You’ve been so good to me….
I constantly think of ways to repay the mountain of love that you shower me with. We’re about to embark on a journey that not many go on.
Those who’ve gone before us either make it all the way or things happen and they unfortunately can’t. I want to be right here with you for every day of the rest of my life.
In between now and the end of forever, I promise to kiss your forehead in the morning and jump start the day.
I promise that after a long day I’ll massage your feet and listen to you talk about Tina in accounting.
I promise to keep the kitchen clean before and after you cook for the family and even just for yourself.
I promise to defend you when you’re right and correct you when you’re wrong. I will never let you go into the world and make a fool of yourself.
I promise to never let a birthday or anniversary pass without you knowing how much that I love you.
I promise to raise our boys to be respectful to women and teach our girls to act in such a way that men will respect them.
I promise to get us a dog that we’ll fall in love with. You can name him or her whatever you want.
I promise to get old with you in the rocking chairs on our porch.
I promise to never let the fire that is between us go out.
I promise to have date nights where we can get away and rebuild and strengthen our love.
I promise most of all, to always love you no matter what. I love you.
©Silenc340 for Hikari Aie
It’s hard to focus on planning a wedding when I’m wondering if I’m going to make it to even see myself walk down the aisle. What started as a simple doctor’s appointment to find out about a chest cold ended up in me finding out that I have a heart problem.
What’s worse is that they cannot tell me what’s wrong. I’ve had two EKG’s done and a chest x-ray. They cannot tell me anything except that something is wrong. It scared me that the nurses openly talked about my results like I was not in the same room with them. Things said like…
“Is this right?”
“I’ll run it again.”
“I’ve done this test three times…Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, You’re doing it correct. Something is wrong with her heart.”
After that I have to deal with questions that makes me wonder if the warning signs were always there.
“Do you have shortness of breath?”
“Do you have chest pains or heart palpitations?”
“Do you suffer from fatigue?”
“How long have you suffered from this?”
“Do you have a living will?”
The questions kept coming and coming. After a while I checked out. I mean can you blame me? So I’m sitting here thinking and wondering what happens after the next test? Do I panic when I get chest pains? What happens if I get dizzy in the middle of teaching my class again? Do I freak out when I blow my nose and its only blood?
There are a lot of what ifs and not enough answers. I’d like to think that there is nothing wrong with my heart. I just have a really big one. The one where I’m always there to help my friends. The kind of heart that never stops loving. One that loves to cook and feed the world.
If anything my heart is bursting with love that I haven’t been able to share yet….lives I haven’t been able to touch.
© Hikari Aie
March 9th 2013 is the day that I had to say good bye to my little one. Four years have passed since that day and you would think that it gets easier. For some people it does get easier. For others it doesn’t.
It doesn’t get easier for me. The sadness and despair takes over my mind. By the end of the night I’ll be crying in the shower under the hottest stream of water that the human body can endure. Just like every other time, I won’t feel the sting of the water on my skin. I won’t feel the burn or anything after that.
At this point I have to wonder, why does it hurt more now? There is no three year old running around the house causing chaos and destruction. There are no crayon markings all over the wall. Why does grief have to feel so real? Its like a second skin…reminding me of what I couldn’t do. What I failed to do.
I am suppose to protect and love. How can I call myself a mother if I couldn’t even protect my child from me?
I took a wrong turn
In thing called life
I don’t know what happened
Maybe I went left
Instead of right
Maybe I went up
Instead of down
I am such a small word
With a huge meaning
As always I’m going to start off by saying I’m sorry I fell off the wagon. I haven’t been a faithful blogger. I probably don’t have any readers left but if you are still around then thank you for staying.
I must admit that blogging feels so weird. When I started blogging I was so lost and confused. I was angry and dark. I was not in a good place at all. Now, I don’t know what I am. I’m just here existing.
I still live in the states. I’ve adapted well I suppose. I have two jobs and no time for a social life unless I find time. I don’t know why I’m writing again. I think I’m trying to find the old me. I’m trying to find healthy habits and ways to just deal with everything.
If you are still with me. I’d love to share my journey and thoughts with you over the next couple days, months, years, etc. I’ll tell you what’s been going on and possibly what my future holds.
Am I still obsessing over my break up with my ex?
Not at all. I do have some things to say though.
Am I still going to marry my best friend?
Yes. He won’t let me run away.
Am I ever going to show you how I really look?
Stick around and we’ll see what happens.
She weeps silently
The pain she feels unbearable
The love she had broken
The wall that was torn down
Slowly rebuilds itself
Around her heart
Stronger than before
She weeps silently
Knowing the love she had
Will never be the same
If I cold be honest about how I feel…
I would tell you that
I HATE YOU
Its a strong word
But you would never know
Because I still love you so
I hate that you tear me down
Using big words
Making me feel inadequate
I hate that my feelings
Can never be my own
So I have silenced my voice
In the sake of love
How can I be the person
That I need to be
When the person I hate is so
How much do you love me?
My brain loves the way you make me think
My head loves the way you play in my hair
My eyes love to see how beautiful you are
My nose loves the smell of your hair
My mouth loves your kisses
My ears love to hear you talk
My neck loves your long hugs
My chest loves that you fall asleep on it
My stomach loves the food you put in it
My privates, well, you know
My legs love walking to you
My heart loves you with every beat