Pregnancy Be Like…

In today’s society, it is shunned upon speaking ill of being pregnant. We only talk about how being pregnant is a blessing and that it is amazing. We hear comments like, “OMG, you look so beautiful and you’re glowing.” In reality, it is not always like that. Not everyone feels excited or beautiful, but we are not allowed to say it.

Pregnancy is hard. We risk our lives bringing our/your children into the world. Some of us snap back and others can’t get back to the person they once were. Our bodies and mind are altered. A beautiful experience that everyone expects us to experience can be very traumatic for the next. Yet, we cannot say we are tired of being pregnant or complain about how we truly feel without fear of being told that we should have never laid on our backs to begin with. We suck it up and stay quiet, sending ourselves into a state of distress. Before we know it, we are sitting in a pit of depression wondering if this is worth it.

Normalize women not feeling okay during pregnancy.


Being a parent is hard. There is no doubt about it. I’m writing this blog because I am really frustrated listening to stories about one parent who doesn’t want the other parent to be there for their child because things didn’t work out.

If a parent wants to be there for that child let them. Stop being stubborn. Stop being selfish. You are only hurting that child. Do you know how it feels for a child to grow up with a mom or dad? It sucks. I would know because it’s my story.

The only way I can see you keeping a child away from their mom or dad is if that parent has a problem with drugs, mental illness, or is abusive in any form. If that parent is a good parent, let them see their baby.

I also have an issue with parents who stop fighting for their child. Why bring forth a child if you are not going to fight for them, their rights and yours? Once again personal on my part. Both my parents abandoned me. It’s the story I was told. One was abusive and one was a drug addict. It’s all circumstantial evidence to me and I’m 28. Point simply was…you were my parents. You failed me. You abandoned me. You let the government take me away.

I am stronger today…Yes. However do you know about the family that I lived with? Do you know the things that happened to me? The abuse I endured? If you got your life together and started over…why didn’t you come back for me? You had another child after me and you kept in touch with all my other siblings. Why not me?

Truth be told the family that I was living with threatened my mom about contacting me. My parents never signed over their parental rights. They could have gotten me whenever they wanted but they stopped fighting for me.

I’m a single mom with an eight year old. Since he’s been born I’ve dated three guys. The last guy happens to be my fiance. I’ve never let anyone into his life of the male figure. His father gave up on him when he realized that he would have to fight my guardians just to see him. He walked away. Every promise made broken because the battle got to hard for him.

Sadly, I wasn’t even fighting him. I wanted him to see his son…get to know him. No one knew more than me how much having the support of two parents meant. It’s been eight years. He had two more children. Before I moved, I saw him all the time. He’s still very much attracted to me. He wants a relationship with me but he’s never once asked about his son. Just like he never asked, I never brought him up. I’d rather be a single parent then push a child to someone who doesn’t want him.

It sucks. Being in a position where you have to make the best choice for your child. I understand that. However, if at any point he wanted to have a relationship with his son I would have granted him the opportunity with supervised visits. I guess I’m a little more understanding.

Listening to someone say I’ve tried but I’m being ignored…my calls and texts go unanswered so I’m going to give up. I’m going to stop because I get mad when I’m ignored. Hearing that sucks because you are the parent that is actively trying. My advice is don’t give up. Keep trying. If you love that child enough keep trying. No matter how much walls you run into. Write letters, save every attempt to contact them, and document everything because if you really want to know your child then you’ll know that this is going to be a long battle. There is no finish line or no victory.

Your child deserves to know you. If you have to go to court just to get five minutes with your child then so be it. At least you are trying. Your child may not understand what you’re doing now but trust me, when they get older they will see that you fought your very best for them. They will see through whatever lies the other parent is saying.

It’s not going to magically fix itself overnight but isn’t your child worth the fight? Every rejection, court date, tears, etc…It’s worth it because at the end of the day your child will know that someone was fighting for them because they are worth something.

Hikari Aie

Social Butterfly

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Let’s be honest. It’s been almost two years, who am I fooling? In two years a lot has changed. I’m married. I still have one child. He’s ten now and is hurdling into the sixth grade. My husband works for the government and I’m currently on summer vacation from work. I happen to be a teacher/paraprofessional/substitute. I wear many hats at my school…or I use to until summer vacation. I also use to think that I was a social butterfly but I quickly learned that I was not.


A social butterfly is a slang term for a person who is socially dynamic, networking, charismatic, and personally gregarious.  This is the person that I was. I grew up being a social butterfly among friends and family. However, when I was alone and by myself, I turned into the most quiet and depressed person. As the years went by, I continued to be outgoing and social in the public eye. Now I’m sitting here lost because I am alone.

I have nothing to do during the summer. You can only clean and cook but so much. My son is off at camp and my husband is at work. I remember growing up that I worked two or three jobs. I use to think it was because I needed money to survive but as I sit here I realize its not. I worked so much and kept myself so busy because I didn’t know how to be alone.

I don’t think I love myself as much as I put off. My husband sees this and he tells me he loves me regardless. He wants me to not stress and take on an over bearing workload. He’s there for a reason and I suppose that’s true. He wants me to find myself and fall in love with the person he fell in love with. Easier said than done. I have no idea where to begin. Back home I had tons of friends and beaches. I had so many different outlets and in the states I zilch.

Do you guys know that I have never went to the movies by myself or taken a walk or even gone to the mall for fun? If it wasn’t with someone else then it didn’t happen. I guess I still have a lot to learn about myself. I do know that sometimes being me is lonely. I guess this is the summer that I try and find out who I am. I have more than enough time.

Wish me luck…




Show me

Confessions of A Broken Girl

Diary Entry #5

August 5, 2017

12:17 am

I love you…

“I can’t love a liar…”

I love you…

“I can’t love someone I can’t trust. “

I love you…

“Hang up…”

I love you…

“Hang up”

I love you…

“Leave then”

I’d take a physical scar over an emotional one any day. I keep replaying moments and every time the words cut me deeper and deeper. It makes me physically sick and I don’t think you can see how deep of a wound is there.

I’m screaming at you to love me and you won’t. You won’t say what I need to hear the way I need to hear it. I’m hurting. I’m grieving. I’m lost.

Show me you love me.


I’m begging. I’m pleading. Take the pain away because I’m drowning in it. I need you to need me the way I need you. I need you to see me. See that my worse fears came true. My fear of being not wanted….not being loved.

I need you to love me.

Tell me…

I love you

Mean it.

Show it.

I’m drowning with out it.

Hikari Aie

I’m sorry

Confessions of a Broken Girl

Diary Entry #4

August 4th 2017

3:00 pm

Why can’t you tell me I’m sorry?

Is it that hard to say I’m sorry?

You say, “I understand.”

You say, “Ok.”

You say, “I see.”

You’ve twisted my words until I don’t recognize them.

But do you really realize that all I want is an apology?

Am I not deserving of your forgiveness?

I’ve apologized.

I’ve cried until I have nothing left.

Then I apologize again and again.

But yet no apology passes your lips.

Here I am…

Sitting broken…

Waiting for an apology that seems like I’m not worthy of.

Day 5

Confessions of a Broken Girl

Diary Entry #3

August 4th 2017

11:31 am

I haven’t slept in five days. I took three sleeping pills and drank alcohol. Still nothing. Still haven’t slept nor passed out. Maybe Death is only a few days away then I can sleep forever.

Hikari Aie

His Child…

I don’t deserve to be with anyone. My personality and mentality is terrible. I’m too domineering. I’m just like my father. I force my ways on people until they change into someone I don’t recognize.

Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be happy? Why am I my father’s child?

Just like him…I’m doomed to spend forever alone because the reality is that No One can love a fuck up like me.

My Wish

I sincerely wish from the bottom of my heart that I was dead.

I wish God would finally put me out my misery and allow me to stop suffering.

At the rate I’m going….every breath hurts and if God won’t end my suffering then I might as well do it myself.

Hikari Aie


Everyone needs a friend. Someone to confide in and trust with everything you have. Some friendships can last from a couple of hours to many years. Once you find that one specific friend that you feel confident enough to give the title of  “Best”…everything changes.

I had a best friend but I had to end our relationship. It sucks because we have been friends for a little over twenty years. This friend has been in my life for so long its like we’re family. Now, I’m still in my twenties. I’m still young and discovering life. Maybe I’ll find another friend but I’ve been burned so badly by them that I don’t want any close friends. I can’t trust anyone right now. I’m so guarded.

Cutting them off feels like I’ve lost a part of myself. We did everything together, from talking on the phone next to each other to watching the same TV shows from miles apart. It just became our thing. They made the moving to the states easier. They were my connection with home and now its been severed.

Why did it end?

Well basically we shared a bill and they failed to provide their part. I ended up putting up everything for the bill and putting myself in the worst financial situation ever. At this point, they could care less. They are more upset at me because I came down on them hard. It’s something I rarely do but this time their actions doesn’t just affect me but it affected my son as well. I don’t think they can see that because they are too wrapped up in the fact that I terminated their part of the contract to prevent further mishaps.

It’s been a month and a half since the incident and no contact has been made in the terms of repayment. They have contacted me and basically said that everything is my fault. I always make everything about me and I don’t care about them. I think the worst of them but I don’t. If I do try make contact, it’s like I’m attacking them. There has been no attempt to pay off their debt and when it is brought up then they go ghost.

I’m at a loss for words right now because like I said it doesn’t bother me if it hurts me. It hurts my son, their godchild. I can’t begin the explain the range of emotions that I feel right now. I was never living paycheck to paycheck but now I am. I was never living above my means and now I am. It hurts like hell and I don’t think anyone can understand how I feel.

My situation is basically that I had to put everything into this one bill which meant that I had little left to put into my other bills. This means that my other bills had to suffer. Either I had to push back payments which is an issue because it runs into the other payment schedule of other bills or I could not pay at all. Then the funds that I did have I could not use because I have a child. If anything happens to him I need to have some sort of change just for that situation.

On top of that I forgot to take my bills off of auto payment and they withdrew from the bank and now I’m looking at overdraft fees for every bill they paid. The longer my account stays empty the more fees they tack on. What sucks is the minute the direct deposit drops into my bank account that it’s gone. I’ve lost at least six hundred to the bank and its steady climbing. I’m looking at losing my insurance because I can’t pay my monthly bill.

The sacrifices I have to to make now just to stay afloat. The things I had to withdraw my child from because his leisure activities are no longer within my budget. Even doing that barely keeps me afloat, barely keeps food on the table. My credit is gone. I can kiss buying that car and house good bye. This situation has left me in a worse situation than being with my ex.

I was suppose to get married in December. All wedding plans have came to an abrupt stop. Makes no sense to plan for a wedding when you can’t buy anything for it period. I’m thinking about calling the whole thing off and just pushing it back again.

School is in nine days and I’m wondering how I will get him ready for school and take him to doctor appointments. Yes, my spouse is helping me but he needs to survive as well seeing as we live thousands of miles apart currently. He’s sacrificed and is willing to sacrifice not having food so that I won’t sink to bad into financial distress.

My job sucks and any overtime that I make they force you to cut it. If I work five minutes over I have to cut it. However, the corporate rules state that once you work you must get paid for your time that you put in but they don’t abide by that. I have been skating by on that rule for a while until last night when I was cornered by three managers about it.

My job gave me a week of six hour shifts with no lunch and they know its illegal to do so. One night I ended up clocking out two minutes late because the punch clock was not working and they basically used that against me. It was either I sign a paper accepting full responsibility for the situation or be terminated.

In that moment, I wanted to quit but couldn’t because I’m broke. I might as well be homeless. I have to survive for my son. Quitting means I can still save face and have some dignity left. I can’t get fired because it will look terrible on my resume. I’ve never been fired before and they could spin it as I’m stealing time. If I’m fired it means that I’m also blacklisted from working at every one of their stores and sister stores. My final option was to sign the paper accepting full responsibility. I was told that I can’t go over my time again or there will be penalties.

You know what sucks is that an hour and a half later when it was time for me to leave, I couldn’t. I needed management to lock up the store and they didn’t come until thirty minutes pass. Now, I’ve signed away my rights earlier and I have to cut the time to be compliant or they could use this against me and fire me anyway. I’m considering leaving and just flipping burgers in McDonald’s.

Honestly, there is only so much one person can take and I think I’ve reached my limit. I don’t have it in me to fight anymore. I barely want to wake up as it is and put up with what I have to deal with. All of this because of a friend…not any friend but a friend who I gave the title as “best”.

Hikari Aie  



His Promise 

You’ve been so good to me….

I constantly think of ways to repay the mountain of love that you shower me with. We’re about to embark on a journey that not many go on. 

Those who’ve gone before us either make it all the way or things happen and they unfortunately can’t. I want to be right here with you for every day of the rest of my life. 

In between now and the end of forever, I promise to kiss your forehead in the morning and jump start the day. 

I promise that after a long day I’ll massage your feet and listen to you talk about Tina in accounting. 

I promise to keep the kitchen clean before and after you cook for the family and even just for yourself. 

I promise to defend you when you’re right and correct you when you’re wrong. I will never let you go into the world and make a fool of yourself. 

I promise to never let a birthday or anniversary pass without you knowing how much that I love you. 

I promise to raise our boys to be respectful to women and teach our girls to act in such a way that men will respect them. 

I promise to get us a dog that we’ll fall in love with. You can name him or her whatever you want. 

I promise to get old with you in the rocking chairs on our porch.

I promise to never let the fire that is between us go out. 

I promise to have date nights where we can get away and rebuild and strengthen our love.

I promise most of all, to always love you no matter what. I love you.

©Silenc340 for Hikari Aie