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Confessions of A Broken Girl

Diary Entry #5

August 5, 2017

12:17 am

I love you…

“I can’t love a liar…”

I love you…

“I can’t love someone I can’t trust. “

I love you…

“Hang up…”

I love you…

“Hang up”

I love you…

“Leave then”

I’d take a physical scar over an emotional one any day. I keep replaying moments and every time the words cut me deeper and deeper. It makes me physically sick and I don’t think you can see how deep of a wound is there.

I’m screaming at you to love me and you won’t. You won’t say what I need to hear the way I need to hear it. I’m hurting. I’m grieving. I’m lost.

Show me you love me.

Please.

I’m begging. I’m pleading. Take the pain away because I’m drowning in it. I need you to need me the way I need you. I need you to see me. See that my worse fears came true. My fear of being not wanted….not being loved.

I need you to love me.

Tell me…

I love you

Mean it.

Show it.

I’m drowning with out it.

Hikari Aie

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I’m sorry

Confessions of a Broken Girl

Diary Entry #4

August 4th 2017

3:00 pm

Why can’t you tell me I’m sorry?

Is it that hard to say I’m sorry?

You say, “I understand.”

You say, “Ok.”

You say, “I see.”

You’ve twisted my words until I don’t recognize them.

But do you really realize that all I want is an apology?

Am I not deserving of your forgiveness?

I’ve apologized.

I’ve cried until I have nothing left.

Then I apologize again and again.

But yet no apology passes your lips.

Here I am…

Sitting broken…

Waiting for an apology that seems like I’m not worthy of.

Day 5

Confessions of a Broken Girl

Diary Entry #3

August 4th 2017

11:31 am

I haven’t slept in five days. I took three sleeping pills and drank alcohol. Still nothing. Still haven’t slept nor passed out. Maybe Death is only a few days away then I can sleep forever.

Hikari Aie

His Child…

I don’t deserve to be with anyone. My personality and mentality is terrible. I’m too domineering. I’m just like my father. I force my ways on people until they change into someone I don’t recognize.

Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be happy? Why am I my father’s child?

Just like him…I’m doomed to spend forever alone because the reality is that No One can love a fuck up like me.

My Wish

I sincerely wish from the bottom of my heart that I was dead.

I wish God would finally put me out my misery and allow me to stop suffering.

At the rate I’m going….every breath hurts and if God won’t end my suffering then I might as well do it myself.

Hikari Aie

Best…?

Everyone needs a friend. Someone to confide in and trust with everything you have. Some friendships can last from a couple of hours to many years. Once you find that one specific friend that you feel confident enough to give the title of  “Best”…everything changes.

I had a best friend but I had to end our relationship. It sucks because we have been friends for a little over twenty years. This friend has been in my life for so long its like we’re family. Now, I’m still in my twenties. I’m still young and discovering life. Maybe I’ll find another friend but I’ve been burned so badly by them that I don’t want any close friends. I can’t trust anyone right now. I’m so guarded.

Cutting them off feels like I’ve lost a part of myself. We did everything together, from talking on the phone next to each other to watching the same TV shows from miles apart. It just became our thing. They made the moving to the states easier. They were my connection with home and now its been severed.

Why did it end?

Well basically we shared a bill and they failed to provide their part. I ended up putting up everything for the bill and putting myself in the worst financial situation ever. At this point, they could care less. They are more upset at me because I came down on them hard. It’s something I rarely do but this time their actions doesn’t just affect me but it affected my son as well. I don’t think they can see that because they are too wrapped up in the fact that I terminated their part of the contract to prevent further mishaps.

It’s been a month and a half since the incident and no contact has been made in the terms of repayment. They have contacted me and basically said that everything is my fault. I always make everything about me and I don’t care about them. I think the worst of them but I don’t. If I do try make contact, it’s like I’m attacking them. There has been no attempt to pay off their debt and when it is brought up then they go ghost.

I’m at a loss for words right now because like I said it doesn’t bother me if it hurts me. It hurts my son, their godchild. I can’t begin the explain the range of emotions that I feel right now. I was never living paycheck to paycheck but now I am. I was never living above my means and now I am. It hurts like hell and I don’t think anyone can understand how I feel.

My situation is basically that I had to put everything into this one bill which meant that I had little left to put into my other bills. This means that my other bills had to suffer. Either I had to push back payments which is an issue because it runs into the other payment schedule of other bills or I could not pay at all. Then the funds that I did have I could not use because I have a child. If anything happens to him I need to have some sort of change just for that situation.

On top of that I forgot to take my bills off of auto payment and they withdrew from the bank and now I’m looking at overdraft fees for every bill they paid. The longer my account stays empty the more fees they tack on. What sucks is the minute the direct deposit drops into my bank account that it’s gone. I’ve lost at least six hundred to the bank and its steady climbing. I’m looking at losing my insurance because I can’t pay my monthly bill.

The sacrifices I have to to make now just to stay afloat. The things I had to withdraw my child from because his leisure activities are no longer within my budget. Even doing that barely keeps me afloat, barely keeps food on the table. My credit is gone. I can kiss buying that car and house good bye. This situation has left me in a worse situation than being with my ex.

I was suppose to get married in December. All wedding plans have came to an abrupt stop. Makes no sense to plan for a wedding when you can’t buy anything for it period. I’m thinking about calling the whole thing off and just pushing it back again.

School is in nine days and I’m wondering how I will get him ready for school and take him to doctor appointments. Yes, my spouse is helping me but he needs to survive as well seeing as we live thousands of miles apart currently. He’s sacrificed and is willing to sacrifice not having food so that I won’t sink to bad into financial distress.

My job sucks and any overtime that I make they force you to cut it. If I work five minutes over I have to cut it. However, the corporate rules state that once you work you must get paid for your time that you put in but they don’t abide by that. I have been skating by on that rule for a while until last night when I was cornered by three managers about it.

My job gave me a week of six hour shifts with no lunch and they know its illegal to do so. One night I ended up clocking out two minutes late because the punch clock was not working and they basically used that against me. It was either I sign a paper accepting full responsibility for the situation or be terminated.

In that moment, I wanted to quit but couldn’t because I’m broke. I might as well be homeless. I have to survive for my son. Quitting means I can still save face and have some dignity left. I can’t get fired because it will look terrible on my resume. I’ve never been fired before and they could spin it as I’m stealing time. If I’m fired it means that I’m also blacklisted from working at every one of their stores and sister stores. My final option was to sign the paper accepting full responsibility. I was told that I can’t go over my time again or there will be penalties.

You know what sucks is that an hour and a half later when it was time for me to leave, I couldn’t. I needed management to lock up the store and they didn’t come until thirty minutes pass. Now, I’ve signed away my rights earlier and I have to cut the time to be compliant or they could use this against me and fire me anyway. I’m considering leaving and just flipping burgers in McDonald’s.

Honestly, there is only so much one person can take and I think I’ve reached my limit. I don’t have it in me to fight anymore. I barely want to wake up as it is and put up with what I have to deal with. All of this because of a friend…not any friend but a friend who I gave the title as “best”.

Hikari Aie  

 

 

His Promise 

You’ve been so good to me….

I constantly think of ways to repay the mountain of love that you shower me with. We’re about to embark on a journey that not many go on. 

Those who’ve gone before us either make it all the way or things happen and they unfortunately can’t. I want to be right here with you for every day of the rest of my life. 

In between now and the end of forever, I promise to kiss your forehead in the morning and jump start the day. 

I promise that after a long day I’ll massage your feet and listen to you talk about Tina in accounting. 

I promise to keep the kitchen clean before and after you cook for the family and even just for yourself. 

I promise to defend you when you’re right and correct you when you’re wrong. I will never let you go into the world and make a fool of yourself. 

I promise to never let a birthday or anniversary pass without you knowing how much that I love you. 

I promise to raise our boys to be respectful to women and teach our girls to act in such a way that men will respect them. 

I promise to get us a dog that we’ll fall in love with. You can name him or her whatever you want. 

I promise to get old with you in the rocking chairs on our porch.

I promise to never let the fire that is between us go out. 

I promise to have date nights where we can get away and rebuild and strengthen our love.

I promise most of all, to always love you no matter what. I love you.

©Silenc340 for Hikari Aie

Big Picture

Each day we add another stroke to the page

This page called Life

Building a picture that reflects who we are

Each stroke, different from the last

No erasers needed

Just life lessons learned

As we are aspiring artists painting

Our Big Picture

© Hikari Aie

Heartbeat

It’s hard to focus on planning a wedding when I’m wondering if I’m going to make it to even see myself walk down the aisle. What started as a simple doctor’s appointment to find out about a chest cold ended up in me finding out that I have a heart problem.

What’s worse is that they cannot tell me what’s wrong. I’ve had two EKG’s done and a chest x-ray. They cannot tell me anything except that something is wrong. It scared me that the nurses openly talked about my results like I was not in the same room with them.  Things said like…

“Is this right?”

“I’ll run it again.”

“I’ve done this test three times…Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, You’re doing it correct. Something is wrong with her heart.”

After that I have to deal with questions that makes me wonder if the warning signs were always there.

“Do you have shortness of breath?”

“Do you have chest pains or heart palpitations?”

“Do you suffer from fatigue?”

“How long have you suffered from this?”

“Do you have a living will?”

The questions kept coming and coming. After a while I checked out. I mean can you blame me? So I’m sitting here thinking and wondering what happens after the next test? Do I panic when I get chest pains? What happens if I get dizzy in the middle of teaching my class again? Do I freak out when I blow my nose and its only blood?

There are a lot of what ifs and not enough answers. I’d like to think that there is nothing wrong with my heart. I just have a really big one. The one where I’m always there to help my friends. The kind of heart that never stops loving. One that loves to cook and feed the world.

If anything my heart is bursting with love that I haven’t been able to share yet….lives I haven’t been able to touch.

© Hikari Aie

March 9th 2017

March 9th 2013 is the day that I had to say good bye to my little one. Four years have passed since that day and you would think that it gets easier. For some people it does get easier. For others it doesn’t.

It doesn’t get easier for me. The sadness and despair takes over my mind. By the end of the night I’ll be crying in the shower under the hottest stream of water that the human body can endure. Just like every other time, I won’t feel the sting of the water on my skin. I won’t feel the burn or anything after that.

At this point I have to wonder, why does it hurt more now? There is no three year old running around the house causing chaos and destruction. There are no crayon markings all over the wall. Why does grief have to feel so real? Its like a second skin…reminding me of what I couldn’t do. What I failed to do.

I am suppose to protect and love. How can I call myself a mother if I couldn’t even protect my child from me?

©Hikari Aie