Dear Ovaries…

Dear Ovaries,

Please stop nagging and reminding me that my clock is ticking. The baby fever that you have dropped upon my lap needs to stop. We’ve already had this discussion and we decided that we don’t want no more babies. We love to sleep.

However, you have stripped me down to strings of my soul and now I wake up every morning yearning for a baby. I want to feel the morning sickness and the pressure of my child growing on my bladder. I want swollen feet and to feel the butterfly kisses that my child will place upon me as they move. I want to endure the pain and struggling for the next nine months, keeping my child safe from harms way until they are safe in my arms.

Let us not not forget that new baby smell. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about…that lovely scent that you inhale every time you place a gentle kiss on their heads. Let us not forget about the joy they bring us when they first smile, walk, and talk.

Dear Lord,

Please forgive me for I am losing the battle with my heart and ovaries. My mind is not strong enough to over power them both. The need for an addition to my family is starting to consume me and I have thought about stealing my god babies indefinably.

Here is to hoping that my significant other will be strong enough to convince my heart and ovaries otherwise. He will be the one to carry the torch and say “NO.” He is my pillar of strength when needed most. Your have an obligation to fill. It is to take control of a spiraling situation. I’m secretly baby shopping. The madness must end!

Sincerely,

Desperately Yearning

© Hikari Aie

Cannot Be

Two tiny hands
Two little feet
Bright brown eyes
Sweet toothless smile
Fresh breath of innocence
All things that never were
All things that simply cannot be

To never hear the pitter patter of little feet
To never see the smudges left by tiny hands
To stare into your big brown eyes
To never hear that breathtaking giggle
All things that never were
All things that simply cannot be

My sweetest baby
How I long to hold you in my arms
How I long to simply watch you as you sleep
How I long to meet you…
But these are things that never will be
Things that simply cannot happen

Sweet Angel Baby
I would give life and limb to catch just one glimpse of you
To feel your chest rise and fall against mine
To cover you with kisses
And to gaze at you in amazement

You’re just beyond my reach
I feel as though I can just reach out and touch you
But my grasp falls short
I feel empty in the darkness

There is a gaping hole in my heart and soul
As the tears fall down my cheeks and onto my pillow
I swear I can hear you sigh
All these things that never were
All things that simply cannot be

© Hikari Aie

<- Previous
Ground Zero: My Decision

Ground Zero: My Decision

It’s safe to say that on this day three years ago, I didn’t keep the baby. I know that this topic is a heated one for many and at one time it was for me as well. Coming to a decision like this is not easy especially if you are making it on your own. It has been an decision that I regret every day.

On this day I woke up with a heavy heart. I spent the whole night weighing the pros and cons before I decided that this was the “best” route to take. I got up, got dressed, and went to the bank. When I found out that we were expecting, I opened a bank account specifically for the baby. I divided a percentage of my funds between my son and the baby. My son’s college fund was already underway. It didn’t hurt to get a jump start on the baby’s. I withdrew the money from the account and closed it before heading to the doctor. By the time I walked out his office the deed was done and I was a different person.

I don’t understand how females can do this just because they don’t want to. I was able to hear her heartbeat and I still did what I did. I don’t know why I still refer to the baby as her. I suppose its more humane to say her rather than it. What I did wasn’t humane though. The pain and regret from that day follows me around endlessly. The pain that I felt during the procedure I hold onto it as a memory as to why I’ll never go back and have children. I know doing this and holding on is wrong but how could I not?

The child that I didn’t want after the rape I kept but the child that I loved endlessly I destroyed. No one can hurt me anymore than I can. I don’t know if what I did was the right thing anymore but at the same time I have to live with my decision. The fear that my father instilled in me trumped the life I carried. I was scared and I took the easiest, selfish route I could find. It’s the last thing on my mind when I go to bed and the first thing in the morning when I wake up.

I have yet to unpack the crates from the decision to move three years ago. I have yet to sort out the baby clothes and supplies. I never carried back the things I bought. I gave them to other expecting mothers. The crates… I put them in storage or packed them away in the back of the closet. I don’t like to deal with things and I don’t think this is something that I’ll ever be ready to deal with.

I write a letter to my child on this day. When I’m done I burn it on the candles I lit. Two white candles to symbolize how she would have been. One for forgiveness and another because it’s needed. I don’t even have it in me to write a letter this time around. Eventually you run out of ways to say sorry. There’s no going back or I’ll do better. There’s nothing left but an emptiness that swallows you whole.

My dream was to be a social worker or a teacher. I don’t even want to be that anymore. I wanted to protect children and make sure they didn’t give up in what they believed in. At the end of the day I couldn’t even protect mines from me.

Someone I loved wasn’t born today and that was because of me.

© Hikari Aie

<- Previous
Day One – Part Two: The Party

Next ->
My Letter – Cannot Be

 

.

Day Two: The Ultrasound

The last couple of days haven’t been the best. It seemed like my relationship was on different sides of the spectrum. For some reason, I still found it in me to stay optimistic. I mean I had to if I wanted my relationship to work.

Today was the day of my ultrasound. I was nervous yet excited. I was nervous because after everything I wanted things to be alright. I was excited because I get to see my gummy bear for the first time. I knew that it was early and I probably wouldn’t see much but it was enough to show me that it was real.

I left work early and took the bus to the hospital. While heading there I stayed in constant contact with my boyfriend via text. He wasn’t picking up the phone and messages where going unanswered. I was starting to get worried that he would miss the ultrasound. Another thing that would be missed yet again. If he did miss it, I wasn’t so sure that he would be there for the balance.

After checking in, I sat in the room and waited. If you’ve never had an ultrasound before then let me tell you it is not all that it is cracked up to be. Honestly, you have to drink a ton of water and wait until they call you to do the ultrasound. Having a full tummy and bladder of water makes it easier for the technician to see inside of you. However, if you crack and go to the bathroom then you have to start all over again.

Eventually my boyfriend showed up. Words cannot explain the relief that I felt just seeing him walk in. The fear that I had started to fade away. He showed up. It wasn’t on time but at least he showed up. He’ll never know that I refused to do the ultrasound without him. In reality, I could have been in and out of the hospital in an hour. I waited the couple hours for him. I knew the nurses felt bad for me. They kept questioning my decision and asking me if I was cold. Truthfully, I was freezing but I wouldn’t admit that. My fingers were tingling and my toes were numb. I was stubborn and in love so I wasn’t doing it without him. Even if it meant that I would have to reschedule. I would wait on him.

Another woman would have just done it and left but I couldn’t. Maybe I was being stupid or just being a hopeless romantic. Keyword…Hopeless. I just didn’t think that he should miss the first ultrasound or any in fact. I really didn’t want to do it without him. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

I noticed that he was there but he wasn’t there. We made small talk but it still didn’t feel like how we were before. If he wasn’t happy, he was easily agitated. It felt like I was the cause of why he was acting like that.

I noticed that he never looked up from his phone when the technician called my name. I turned and asked him if he was coming and it seemed like he could care less. I tried not to let it dampen my spirits. Today would be the first day that I saw my gummy bear. I laid on the table as the technician explained the process and squirted the cool gel on my stomach. Within seconds I was staring at our gummy bear. Everything was going well according to the technician. He reconfirmed the due dates of the baby and that was it.

No one could have more happier than me at that moment because it meant that I was able to unleash the waterfall that I was holding in for so long. I bounced happily to my boyfriend after and asked if he was ready to go. When I looked at him I could see that he was gone again. He had nothing to say and the support that I was looking for was gone.

The support that I wanted wasn’t really there. He was more concerned about our baby coming on the date of someone else’s. The disappointment that I felt was surreal. I was going through my second pregnancy alone. What made it worse was that I felt like I had trapped him into something that he didn’t want. All the convincing in the world couldn’t change my mind at that moment.

© Hikari Aie

To Be Continued…

<- Previous
Day Three: His Words

Next ->
Day One – Part One: The Plan

Eight More Days…

Surprisingly enough, I am doing well. Eight more days and it will be the anniversary of when I lost my little one. In the past I would scream and shout or just become a shut in as the dates get closer.

It’s on my mind. The day everything happened and the pain I felt. Strangely enough it feels like karma is finally getting back at me. The pain that I feel in my stomach right now reminds me of the pain that I felt that day. It gets hard to catch my breath sometimes or I can barely move. I just sit/stand and wait for the pain to pass so I can continue what I’m doing.

po5wpz9fcwOddly enough, when I found out I was pregnant back then I had gotten extremely sick. I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. It was a nagging gut feeling. I just knew. Today I’m sick…just sick. I’m getting the same pains and the familiar pull in my stomach. Unfortunately, pregnancy is far from the cause. Although, I wish I was pregnant. I know it won’t fill the void but I still want it…you know?

Maybe you don’t know. Maybe you’re too young to understand or probably saying get over yourself its been years. However, for me, its a lifetime of guilt.

The worse part about that day was that I was alone. It was then that I realized that it was the beginning of the end of my relationship. Losing a child hurts, but its worse when you have to deal with the loneliness and pain by yourself. There was no one to turn to and no hand to hold.

I lost more than my child that day. I lost myself.

To be continued:

<-Previous
Crossing the Finish Line…

Next ->
Seven Days Left – The Beginning

Crossing the Finish Line…

close-up-pregnant-woman-touching-her-bare-tummy-pregnancy-motherhood-people-love-expectation-concept-happy-making-heart-51289613

It is around this time of year when I start to feel nostalgic. You see, three years ago I was pregnant. My baby would have been two today. Girl or boy, it wouldn’t have mattered. I would have loved them to the end of the world.

I remember the shock and joy of finding the news. I remember waiting for the ultrasound with a full bladder and then seeing my baby for the first time on the monitor. The connection I felt was instant. My little gummy bear was safe and sound, happily growing inside me. Every day of morning sickness and pain was well worth it. The end result would have been so amazing.

I’ve learned that with joy comes pain. The pain of losing a child. Never seeing them grow or feeling them kick. Wishing that you could hear them take that first breath. Blaming yourself for not being a strong enough person to carry that child all the way.

December 6th 2010
Six weeks

March 9th 2013
Six weeks, One day

The days my babies slipped away from me. The days I will never forget. The days where I write and burn a letter to my babies then let the candle burn to nothing. I carry the guilt with me everyday. They say it gets easier with time but I need so much more time to get over it. I still cry when I see newborn babies. Sometimes I absentmindedly touch my stomach or I fight the urge not to cry when my son asks me for siblings. The emptiness that you feel inside never really goes away.

I was told I should be grateful because at least I have one child. What happened to the other two that I failed? Sometimes I feel bad for loving them more than my son. Is it bad that I do that? I’m grateful for my son but I wish…desperately…that I crossed the finished line with them. My son has his flaws but he turned out amazing. I wanted the same for them as well.

So I sit…with my hands wrapped around my stomach and beg for forgiveness, beg for another chance.

I can’t live with this kind of guilt and pain. 
I promise I’ll do better.
Please, give me back my babies.

Turn back time.
I’ll work harder.
I’ll be good.
I’ll protect them.
I promise.

Please give me another chance….

I’ve begged and pleaded and cried. The pain from a loss you’ll never forget. It haunts you. It weighs you down. Yes, they are in a better place but why so soon? Why wasn’t I strong enough? I should have been.

The fear of loss keeps me from having more children but I desperately want another child.  I know it won’t fill the void that I feel inside but I want to have a baby. I want to have a baby with someone who loves me and them. I want a strong support system for “our” child.

Until then I’ll continue to live in this fantasy world I’ve created with my children. In reality, I’ll smile every day when my heart is screaming,

Give me back my baby.”
 

To Be Continued
With

Eight More Days…

Change

Sometimes as parents, we pass down certain traits to our children that we wish never existed. For me, I hate change. Terribly. Unfortunately, my son hates change far worse than me. So much so, that he is still struggling in school. Now, being retained in his grade level is now a huge fear and it is now a major possibility.

I never thought I would actually have to deal with something like this. I figured the biggest change in his life would be leaving his friends behind to move to the states. He’s more prepared for the move than I am. Sadly, the change he cannot handle is having someone walk out of his life. He’s still struggling to understand what happened.

I can’t explain to him why things ended the way they did. He’s not old enough to understand what happened. I can’t give him back the life he once had. He lost a lot…weekend activities, after school, tutoring, etc. Most of all he lost someone he thought cared about him.

Sometimes, I feel like I’ve failed him. As his mom, I’m suppose to protect him from things that could hurt him. I’m suppose to prevent things like this. I knew the warning signs were there but still because I wanted to be loved so bad, I ignored them.

As parents, we endure or try to stay in situations thinking that it will make things better. We do it for our children thinking that they wouldn’t notice what is happening. News flash…they do.  We don’t want to raise our children with just one parent so if the situation is manageable both parents stay in the relationship for the sake of the child. However, sometimes doing it for the sake of the child does more harm than good. You would have think that I would have learned because its the same thing my parents are doing.

In my case, I stayed because of my son. Even though I was unhappy, I stayed. If I had left two years ago when the thought first crossed my mind, maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. Maybe things would have been different. One can hope right.

I stayed not only for my son but for myself. I thought that if I changed who I was and was more present that maybe he would have fallen back in love with me. I hoped that it could have been a one time thing, maybe he didn’t need to find other women to comfort him. I hoped that it could have been me again, but I fooled myself for two more years. Not only did I hurt myself in the process but my little one is hurting as well.

I have begun to put the pieces of my life back together slowly. He has not. He is still trying to find his purpose in the world, among friends and family. He’s petrified that the people he gets close to will leave. The only other option is leaving the job I have to be there for him after school. Just to spend the extra time, tutor, and study. Get his grades back up. If I do this, am I feeding into his fear of abandonment or helping him in the long run?

The most I can do right now is reassure him that I am still here for him. I still try my best. I can still push him to be the star that I want him to be. Until then, I’m just trying to figure it out with him and help him put his pieces back together.

To the other parents out there who is probably going through the same thing…How do you not let them slip through the cracks?

Bad Guy

I hate you.

Three words that stirred so much emotion in me that I had to do a double take.

My son and I have been going through the motions since the separation with my ex. I’m trying to find that balance in my life with him where he can get some type of normalcy again.

Needless to say he’s been acting out at home and it’s progressing to school. I’ve been working on just having one on one time with him but he hasn’t been making it easy.

So he told me hates me last night. He’s eight. I figured I had a good couple of years in with my sweet little boy before the tween thing started happening. Boy….was I wrong.

I didn’t cry or yell or even get mad. I took a breath and said “Oh…that hurts but I still love you.”

Now at the the time I really didn’t know what to do. At first I wanted to just sit and cry. I didn’t know if my response was correct or if he should have gotten a different reaction.

All I know is that those three words tore me down and I realized my little one was hurting. He was hurting so bad that his reaction was to hurt me.

I understand…Everything changed with a blink of an eye.

I’m his mom. I’m suppose to fix all the problems and kiss the pain away. I’m suppose to protect him and chase away his nightmares. I’m suppose to always be the good guy.

Sometimes as a mom, you can’t always be super. Sometimes you have to admit defeat. You have to be the “Bad Guy”. So he’s mad at me and I’m the “Bad Guy”.

Well little one, my job isn’t easy. In being the “Bad Guy” I’m protecting you. I’m protecting you from future disappointment. I’ll be the “Bad Guy” when I need to be, not because I hate you.

I’ll be the “Bad Guy” because I Love You.

image

Eight

***In the eyes of an eight year old boy***

 

How am I suppose to be the man they want me to be,

When the men I look up to keeps walking out on me.

Did I do something wrong…

To make them feel like they didn’t belong…

I’m Eight…

Eight…

Eight…

Yet this seems to be my faith

To be alone

In a broken home.

Who am I suppose to be?

A dad whose never been there from the time I entered the world.

Or the step dad I valued that left my mom for another girl.

What am I suppose to do

When times get tough?

Who do I turn to

When I’ve had enough?

How can I

Live in a world where love has no value.

Kindness means nothing.

The promise of a call on the phone that never rings

Gifts are taken away…

How can I

Make myself better

So that he would stay…

And be with me.

Didn’t they love me?

I must have asked my mother

This question a million times

Yes, she says with a smile

I know its a lie

Because I see the tears in her eyes.

It’s killing her inside

To see me try to decide

To be the “GOOD” man I’m suppose to be.

But

I’m Eight…

Eight…

Eight…

Yet this seems to be my faith

And I’m angry

When I have all rights to be

Because when you walked away from my mom

You also walked away from ME.

child-with-tear

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of Mine

Baby of Mine,
I feel you
See you.
I want to touch you
But you are not really there
You are in my mind’s eye
What you would look like
What you would smell like
In my mind I can hold you
You make me smile
You make me cry
What did I do?
To have you leave me…

I want you back!
To not have lost you!
To hold you!
To have you!
Love you…
Oh, Sweet Baby of Mine

Miscarriage_New_3_1024x10241