Damaged

Sometimes it never goes away

The pain you feel

From the past

Haunting you

Like a ghost

Telling you what you can’t

And cannot do

You are left feeling empty

Like a summer’s day

With no rain

And Christmas

With no snow…

The pain echoes

Forever imprinted

On your soul

And the feeling

Never goes away

The one of emptiness

Of being…

Damaged

© Hikari Aie

 

September 18th 2016

For the last five years, I’ve celebrated my anniversary on this day. This is the first year that I won’t be celebrating anything. Today would have made it six years officially with my ex. How do I feel?

I feel sad because I gave five years and something months to someone who I cared deeply for. I trusted him with everything and in return he hurt me. He embarrassed me in front people, took advantage of me, and used my kindness against me. When I try to focus on the good times with him or when I say it wasn’t all bad, I think about the fight that either happened before or after that good time. I think about our kids that never got the chance to take a first breath.

Even though we’ve separated, I still defend him. I guess its the part of me that still see’s the good in everyone. I don’t think I would have even remembered what today was if it wasn’t for Facebook memories. Talk about a sucker punch.

I think about him less and less now. Sometimes my mind wonders on him and that’s okay. Just because it ended badly doesn’t mean I have to erase him completely out of my life. What happened is done and gone. The only thing I can do know is learn and move on. I promised myself that I would never stay in a relationship was was damaging for me. I would know my worth and value myself. I don’t need a significant other to valid who I am as a person. I can do bad all by myself.

It’s hard to get out of a bad thing once you’ve committed. Some of us stay in a bad relationship because we’ve put so much of our time and money into to it that we can’t let it go. Others stay because they feel obligated to that person. In some cases, we stay because we don’t want to be alone or start over in the dating world. Most times we don’t know how to start over.

A relationship shouldn’t destroy you. It shouldn’t make you cry. You shouldn’t wake up and wonder if today is the day that they will look at you like you are their world again. It shouldn’t.

“If you have to get out of bed to speak to your best friend, you’ve married the wrong person…”

I did this on and off with my best friend for my whole relationship. I didn’t even realize that I developed feelings for him until one morning I woke up tired of crying. I knew my boyfriend was cheating and didn’t want to do anything with me. I decided at that moment that I couldn’t do it anymore. Having him in my life mainly because my of my son didn’t do anyone any justice. It didn’t matter if my feelings were reciprocated by my best friend or not. I choose me. I thought it was a selfish choice but I’m happier now than I’ve been in years. My son is thriving as well.

Now on September 18th wake up to messages like this:

{12:36 am}
Fiancé, you’re beautiful inside and out and I’m not going to ruin a beautiful soul like yours. You’ve been through enough and I know because I’ve been around for most of it. I love you. I love your smile. Even when you don’t want to and you do it just for me. I love your laughs that turn into snorts. I love how much you care about me. You always put me first no matter what and I’ve never really had that before.  I love how you try to keep me on my toes although at the end of the day I always know what you’re going to do before you do it. I love your kisses and I love your hugs. I could use one of your hugs right now.

Nothing I say can erase the past,  but it has been a while since I’ve told you (in the detail that you love) exactly what you mean to me. You deserve so much goodness. It’s mostly going to come from me. 

I love you. I hope you’re having sweet dreams. 

When I get off work I see messages like this:

{9:41 pm}
Your’re an amazing fiance indeed. It’s a shame that you were not taken care of the way you should have been. 

You’re finally in a good relationship where what you give is what you get. You’re loved and appreciated. We make people believe in love again. We give them hope. You’re good enough. You will always be enough. Now and forever, I love you.

{10:36 pm}
I’ve realized that yes, there are pretty girls out there, but none of them will ever come close to what you have to offer. Your worth goes beyond outward appearance. Your heart and personality will always trump any “pretty” girl out there. I’ve loved you for so long because no matter what, you always remain lovable through your actions. Thanks for never changing regardless of what you were put through. I love you for who you are and I hope I show you that although there are things  that you can change about yourself, I never want you to change who you are.

I hope work is going by well. I love you.

He’s giving a whole new meaning to September 18th and every other day of the year. If you still haven’t caught on yet and if you’re curious to know…

I am marrying my best friend.

© Hikari Aie

The New Kid

I really hate being the new kid. It’s rough. I’ve been unemployed for a month and I hate it. Most people would love the vacation but the way I live I can’t just sit and knit or read a book. It’s hard. It’s frustrating, seeing your bank account deplete and dwindle down to nothing. It almost feels like desperation is kicking in.

I am not a hermit. Never have been. I hate being confined and restricted to the house. I left my island for freedom but I’ve been confined even more. It feels like I can’t breathe. Like my chest hurts and every breath or every heartbeat is painfully slow. It’s like watching the flame to a candle die. I feel like my wings have been officially clipped.

I miss having intellectual conversations with people. I haven’t really spoken to anyone in the three weeks that I’ve been here. I’m actually dying for intellectual conversation that does not have to deal with texting or calling. I want to go to the store and just have a conversation with someone about what can of beets to buy. Does this sound weird? I hope not.

The most conversation I’ve had was at my job interviews. The job interviews for the jobs that I failed to land. I’ve never been rejected before but to hear someone say you’ve basically gotten the job, I think you are better suited for the managerial position…only to receive a call the next day saying better luck next time. I don’t know….I guess it messes with you in a sense.

Better luck next time…

These words have been told to me numerous times within the last three weeks. I’m doing a good job of keeping it together and not leaving the chronic wave of depression swallow me whole but still….

I hate being the new kid.

© Hikari Aie

Transition & Food

Transitioning to the states is not an easy feat. It’s been exactly one week and a day. How did I fair? Well I managed to get my son registered for school. I got my driver’s license and voter’s registration. I got a job interview already lined up. I have a gym membership as well. A lot of people might read this and think that I’m doing just fine but I’ve been struggling.

I needed a gym membership because I was struggling with depression. I was homesick. I miss my fiance and friends. It seemed like suddenly everyone was too busy for me now that I was out of sight and mind. In my depressive state, I ate a lot. I knew I gained pounds because all of a sudden my underwear couldn’t fit. They were cutting off circulation. It’s surprising how much weight you can gain in a few days because you’ve been eating like a hog.

I mean eating brought me comfort. Those red velvet cupcakes, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Cookies and Creme brownies from Publix topped with Oreo crumbs, Red velvet Oreos and 16 oz log cake with icing. Pancakes and burgers are like 99 cents. Who wouldn’t get fat? Back home to get a 10 piece bucket of chicken is about $40 – $50. In Florida, it’s like $20 or maybe less. What is a medium sized drink at home is considered a small drink in the states of lesser value. It’s crazy.

I’m in food heaven. Taco Bell, Burger King, Arbys, Golden Coral, Perkins, Ihop, and Denny’s…just to name a few. You guys know what you have. All these restaurants to my disposal, of course I’m going to go crazy. We only have Wendy’s, Sbarro, KFC, Subway and Mcdonald’s at home. We’re limited on our fast food selections. Can you see why I’ve been filling up like a hog.

Yes…I know I have plenty years up here and I should pace myself because the food isn’t going any where. However, I feel like a big kid in candy store. Can you blame me? I feel like I’ve been deprived of the finer things in life.

I’m laughing as I write this by the way. Besides the depression, finding work was also a stress factor. I’ve calculated exactly when I’m going to run out of money and I’d like to start working before that happens. I finally got a job interview next week so wish me luck.

Until then…I’m just going to use my gym membership and go to the gym at least six times a week. Wish me luck.

© Hikari Aie

Where Have I Been?

I haven’t been blogging as much. Where have I been? Living…

I can say living because its honestly what has been happening. I’ve been engaged for about three months. I moved from my home of many years to Orlando, Florida. I now live in the states. It’s day three now. I’ve accomplished getting my son registered for school and getting a gym membership. That’s about it.

I’m not having any kind of luck on finding a job which is soon going to become an issue because money is needed for food, lights, rent, and so forth. Am I okay…mentally? Kind of. I had to leave my fiance home to find a better life so to speak. I mean we’ll only be separated for about 345 more days but whose keeping count right.

I’m slowly slipping into that depressive state. Don’t want to be bothered or move or do much of anything. I mean I’m doing what I have to do but nothing more than that. Don’t have any friends here and I guess I’m lonely. Going out to meet friends would require transportation that I don’t have. Food is starting to turn my stomach. Friends at home are busy.

It’s life right…

I’m finally living the American dream..question now is

Do I still want it?

-Hikari Aie

Open/Closed

She closed herself off

From happiness

And love

He was the key

That unlocked the door
To show her love

And happiness

Still exists

However…

When the door 

To the plane closed

With him on the other side

How could she remain happy

When they faced their 

Greatest enemy yet…

“Distance”

– Hikari Aie

This Look

There is this look he gives

As he slides his hands 

Up her arms

In a gentle caress 

Before she feels his breath

Against her neck

Soft nibbles and kisses

That trails to her chin

Giggles fill the air

When he reaches 

His destination

Her lips

There is a look he gives

Before his mouth

Claims hers 

In a kiss…

Hikari Aie

For Me

If you could love me
For me…
Would you?
Would you love all
The good things about me
Like my…
Laugh
Smile
Eyes
The silly things I say
Selflessness
My snoring
Snort
My excitement for bubbles
And don’t forget butterflies

If you could love me
For me…
Would you?
Would you love all
The bad things about me
Like my…
Depression
Anxiety
Fear of PDA
Mood swings that lasts for days
Attitude
Stubbornness
Insecurities
My crippling sense of fear…

If you could love me
For me…
Would you?
Would you love me…
Could you love…
The good
&
The bad
?

Hikari Aie