Lost

I took a wrong turn
In thing called life
I don’t know what happened
Maybe I went left
Instead of right
Or
Maybe I went up
Instead of down
Nevertheless
I am such a small word
With a huge meaning
I am…
LOST

©Hikari Aie

Changes

Hey,

As always I’m going to start off by saying I’m sorry I fell off the wagon. I haven’t been a faithful blogger. I probably don’t have any readers left but if you are still around then thank you for staying.

I must admit that blogging feels so weird. When I started blogging I was so lost and confused. I was angry and dark. I was not in a good place at all. Now, I don’t know what I am. I’m just here existing.

I still live in the states. I’ve adapted well I suppose. I have two jobs and no time for a social life unless I find time. I don’t know why I’m writing again. I think I’m trying to find the old me. I’m trying to find healthy habits and ways to just deal with everything.

So…

If you are still with me. I’d love to share my journey and thoughts with you over the next couple days, months, years, etc. I’ll tell you what’s been going on and possibly what my future holds.

Am I still obsessing over my break up with my ex? 
Not at all. I do have some things to say though.

Am I still going to marry my best friend?
Yes. He won’t let me run away.

Am I ever going to show you how I really look?
Maybe…

Stick around and we’ll see what happens.

Hikari Aie

If I Could…

If I cold be honest about how I feel…

I would tell you that 

I HATE YOU

Its a strong word

This feeling 

But you would never know

Because I still love you so

I hate that you tear me down 

Using big words 

Making me feel inadequate 

I hate that my feelings 

Can never be my own

So I have silenced my voice

In the sake of love

How can I be the person

That I need to be

When the person I hate is so

Me

Hikari Aie

How much…

How much do you love me?

My brain loves the way you make me think
My head loves the way you play in my hair 

My eyes love to see how beautiful you are 

My nose loves the smell of your hair 

My mouth loves your kisses

My ears love to hear you talk

My neck loves your long hugs

My chest loves that you fall asleep on it

My stomach loves the food you put in it

My privates, well, you know

My legs love walking to you

My heart loves you with every beat

Hikari Aie

Damaged

Sometimes it never goes away

The pain you feel

From the past

Haunting you

Like a ghost

Telling you what you can’t

And cannot do

You are left feeling empty

Like a summer’s day

With no rain

And Christmas

With no snow…

The pain echoes

Forever imprinted

On your soul

And the feeling

Never goes away

The one of emptiness

Of being…

Damaged

© Hikari Aie

 

September 18th 2016

For the last five years, I’ve celebrated my anniversary on this day. This is the first year that I won’t be celebrating anything. Today would have made it six years officially with my ex. How do I feel?

I feel sad because I gave five years and something months to someone who I cared deeply for. I trusted him with everything and in return he hurt me. He embarrassed me in front people, took advantage of me, and used my kindness against me. When I try to focus on the good times with him or when I say it wasn’t all bad, I think about the fight that either happened before or after that good time. I think about our kids that never got the chance to take a first breath.

Even though we’ve separated, I still defend him. I guess its the part of me that still see’s the good in everyone. I don’t think I would have even remembered what today was if it wasn’t for Facebook memories. Talk about a sucker punch.

I think about him less and less now. Sometimes my mind wonders on him and that’s okay. Just because it ended badly doesn’t mean I have to erase him completely out of my life. What happened is done and gone. The only thing I can do know is learn and move on. I promised myself that I would never stay in a relationship was was damaging for me. I would know my worth and value myself. I don’t need a significant other to valid who I am as a person. I can do bad all by myself.

It’s hard to get out of a bad thing once you’ve committed. Some of us stay in a bad relationship because we’ve put so much of our time and money into to it that we can’t let it go. Others stay because they feel obligated to that person. In some cases, we stay because we don’t want to be alone or start over in the dating world. Most times we don’t know how to start over.

A relationship shouldn’t destroy you. It shouldn’t make you cry. You shouldn’t wake up and wonder if today is the day that they will look at you like you are their world again. It shouldn’t.

“If you have to get out of bed to speak to your best friend, you’ve married the wrong person…”

I did this on and off with my best friend for my whole relationship. I didn’t even realize that I developed feelings for him until one morning I woke up tired of crying. I knew my boyfriend was cheating and didn’t want to do anything with me. I decided at that moment that I couldn’t do it anymore. Having him in my life mainly because my of my son didn’t do anyone any justice. It didn’t matter if my feelings were reciprocated by my best friend or not. I choose me. I thought it was a selfish choice but I’m happier now than I’ve been in years. My son is thriving as well.

Now on September 18th wake up to messages like this:

{12:36 am}
Fiancé, you’re beautiful inside and out and I’m not going to ruin a beautiful soul like yours. You’ve been through enough and I know because I’ve been around for most of it. I love you. I love your smile. Even when you don’t want to and you do it just for me. I love your laughs that turn into snorts. I love how much you care about me. You always put me first no matter what and I’ve never really had that before.  I love how you try to keep me on my toes although at the end of the day I always know what you’re going to do before you do it. I love your kisses and I love your hugs. I could use one of your hugs right now.

Nothing I say can erase the past,  but it has been a while since I’ve told you (in the detail that you love) exactly what you mean to me. You deserve so much goodness. It’s mostly going to come from me. 

I love you. I hope you’re having sweet dreams. 

When I get off work I see messages like this:

{9:41 pm}
Your’re an amazing fiance indeed. It’s a shame that you were not taken care of the way you should have been. 

You’re finally in a good relationship where what you give is what you get. You’re loved and appreciated. We make people believe in love again. We give them hope. You’re good enough. You will always be enough. Now and forever, I love you.

{10:36 pm}
I’ve realized that yes, there are pretty girls out there, but none of them will ever come close to what you have to offer. Your worth goes beyond outward appearance. Your heart and personality will always trump any “pretty” girl out there. I’ve loved you for so long because no matter what, you always remain lovable through your actions. Thanks for never changing regardless of what you were put through. I love you for who you are and I hope I show you that although there are things  that you can change about yourself, I never want you to change who you are.

I hope work is going by well. I love you.

He’s giving a whole new meaning to September 18th and every other day of the year. If you still haven’t caught on yet and if you’re curious to know…

I am marrying my best friend.

© Hikari Aie

The New Kid

I really hate being the new kid. It’s rough. I’ve been unemployed for a month and I hate it. Most people would love the vacation but the way I live I can’t just sit and knit or read a book. It’s hard. It’s frustrating, seeing your bank account deplete and dwindle down to nothing. It almost feels like desperation is kicking in.

I am not a hermit. Never have been. I hate being confined and restricted to the house. I left my island for freedom but I’ve been confined even more. It feels like I can’t breathe. Like my chest hurts and every breath or every heartbeat is painfully slow. It’s like watching the flame to a candle die. I feel like my wings have been officially clipped.

I miss having intellectual conversations with people. I haven’t really spoken to anyone in the three weeks that I’ve been here. I’m actually dying for intellectual conversation that does not have to deal with texting or calling. I want to go to the store and just have a conversation with someone about what can of beets to buy. Does this sound weird? I hope not.

The most conversation I’ve had was at my job interviews. The job interviews for the jobs that I failed to land. I’ve never been rejected before but to hear someone say you’ve basically gotten the job, I think you are better suited for the managerial position…only to receive a call the next day saying better luck next time. I don’t know….I guess it messes with you in a sense.

Better luck next time…

These words have been told to me numerous times within the last three weeks. I’m doing a good job of keeping it together and not leaving the chronic wave of depression swallow me whole but still….

I hate being the new kid.

© Hikari Aie