March 9th 2013 is the day that I had to say good bye to my little one. Four years have passed since that day and you would think that it gets easier. For some people it does get easier. For others it doesn’t.
It doesn’t get easier for me. The sadness and despair takes over my mind. By the end of the night I’ll be crying in the shower under the hottest stream of water that the human body can endure. Just like every other time, I won’t feel the sting of the water on my skin. I won’t feel the burn or anything after that.
At this point I have to wonder, why does it hurt more now? There is no three year old running around the house causing chaos and destruction. There are no crayon markings all over the wall. Why does grief have to feel so real? Its like a second skin…reminding me of what I couldn’t do. What I failed to do.
I am suppose to protect and love. How can I call myself a mother if I couldn’t even protect my child from me?
I took a wrong turn
In thing called life
I don’t know what happened
Maybe I went left
Instead of right
Maybe I went up
Instead of down
I am such a small word
With a huge meaning
As always I’m going to start off by saying I’m sorry I fell off the wagon. I haven’t been a faithful blogger. I probably don’t have any readers left but if you are still around then thank you for staying.
I must admit that blogging feels so weird. When I started blogging I was so lost and confused. I was angry and dark. I was not in a good place at all. Now, I don’t know what I am. I’m just here existing.
I still live in the states. I’ve adapted well I suppose. I have two jobs and no time for a social life unless I find time. I don’t know why I’m writing again. I think I’m trying to find the old me. I’m trying to find healthy habits and ways to just deal with everything.
If you are still with me. I’d love to share my journey and thoughts with you over the next couple days, months, years, etc. I’ll tell you what’s been going on and possibly what my future holds.
Am I still obsessing over my break up with my ex?
Not at all. I do have some things to say though.
Am I still going to marry my best friend?
Yes. He won’t let me run away.
Am I ever going to show you how I really look?
Stick around and we’ll see what happens.