Heartbeat

It’s hard to focus on planning a wedding when I’m wondering if I’m going to make it to even see myself walk down the aisle. What started as a simple doctor’s appointment to find out about a chest cold ended up in me finding out that I have a heart problem.

What’s worse is that they cannot tell me what’s wrong. I’ve had two EKG’s done and a chest x-ray. They cannot tell me anything except that something is wrong. It scared me that the nurses openly talked about my results like I was not in the same room with them.  Things said like…

“Is this right?”

“I’ll run it again.”

“I’ve done this test three times…Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, You’re doing it correct. Something is wrong with her heart.”

After that I have to deal with questions that makes me wonder if the warning signs were always there.

“Do you have shortness of breath?”

“Do you have chest pains or heart palpitations?”

“Do you suffer from fatigue?”

“How long have you suffered from this?”

“Do you have a living will?”

The questions kept coming and coming. After a while I checked out. I mean can you blame me? So I’m sitting here thinking and wondering what happens after the next test? Do I panic when I get chest pains? What happens if I get dizzy in the middle of teaching my class again? Do I freak out when I blow my nose and its only blood?

There are a lot of what ifs and not enough answers. I’d like to think that there is nothing wrong with my heart. I just have a really big one. The one where I’m always there to help my friends. The kind of heart that never stops loving. One that loves to cook and feed the world.

If anything my heart is bursting with love that I haven’t been able to share yet….lives I haven’t been able to touch.

© Hikari Aie

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Changes

Hey,

As always I’m going to start off by saying I’m sorry I fell off the wagon. I haven’t been a faithful blogger. I probably don’t have any readers left but if you are still around then thank you for staying.

I must admit that blogging feels so weird. When I started blogging I was so lost and confused. I was angry and dark. I was not in a good place at all. Now, I don’t know what I am. I’m just here existing.

I still live in the states. I’ve adapted well I suppose. I have two jobs and no time for a social life unless I find time. I don’t know why I’m writing again. I think I’m trying to find the old me. I’m trying to find healthy habits and ways to just deal with everything.

So…

If you are still with me. I’d love to share my journey and thoughts with you over the next couple days, months, years, etc. I’ll tell you what’s been going on and possibly what my future holds.

Am I still obsessing over my break up with my ex? 
Not at all. I do have some things to say though.

Am I still going to marry my best friend?
Yes. He won’t let me run away.

Am I ever going to show you how I really look?
Maybe…

Stick around and we’ll see what happens.

Hikari Aie

The New Kid

I really hate being the new kid. It’s rough. I’ve been unemployed for a month and I hate it. Most people would love the vacation but the way I live I can’t just sit and knit or read a book. It’s hard. It’s frustrating, seeing your bank account deplete and dwindle down to nothing. It almost feels like desperation is kicking in.

I am not a hermit. Never have been. I hate being confined and restricted to the house. I left my island for freedom but I’ve been confined even more. It feels like I can’t breathe. Like my chest hurts and every breath or every heartbeat is painfully slow. It’s like watching the flame to a candle die. I feel like my wings have been officially clipped.

I miss having intellectual conversations with people. I haven’t really spoken to anyone in the three weeks that I’ve been here. I’m actually dying for intellectual conversation that does not have to deal with texting or calling. I want to go to the store and just have a conversation with someone about what can of beets to buy. Does this sound weird? I hope not.

The most conversation I’ve had was at my job interviews. The job interviews for the jobs that I failed to land. I’ve never been rejected before but to hear someone say you’ve basically gotten the job, I think you are better suited for the managerial position…only to receive a call the next day saying better luck next time. I don’t know….I guess it messes with you in a sense.

Better luck next time…

These words have been told to me numerous times within the last three weeks. I’m doing a good job of keeping it together and not leaving the chronic wave of depression swallow me whole but still….

I hate being the new kid.

© Hikari Aie

Transition & Food

Transitioning to the states is not an easy feat. It’s been exactly one week and a day. How did I fair? Well I managed to get my son registered for school. I got my driver’s license and voter’s registration. I got a job interview already lined up. I have a gym membership as well. A lot of people might read this and think that I’m doing just fine but I’ve been struggling.

I needed a gym membership because I was struggling with depression. I was homesick. I miss my fiance and friends. It seemed like suddenly everyone was too busy for me now that I was out of sight and mind. In my depressive state, I ate a lot. I knew I gained pounds because all of a sudden my underwear couldn’t fit. They were cutting off circulation. It’s surprising how much weight you can gain in a few days because you’ve been eating like a hog.

I mean eating brought me comfort. Those red velvet cupcakes, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Cookies and Creme brownies from Publix topped with Oreo crumbs, Red velvet Oreos and 16 oz log cake with icing. Pancakes and burgers are like 99 cents. Who wouldn’t get fat? Back home to get a 10 piece bucket of chicken is about $40 – $50. In Florida, it’s like $20 or maybe less. What is a medium sized drink at home is considered a small drink in the states of lesser value. It’s crazy.

I’m in food heaven. Taco Bell, Burger King, Arbys, Golden Coral, Perkins, Ihop, and Denny’s…just to name a few. You guys know what you have. All these restaurants to my disposal, of course I’m going to go crazy. We only have Wendy’s, Sbarro, KFC, Subway and Mcdonald’s at home. We’re limited on our fast food selections. Can you see why I’ve been filling up like a hog.

Yes…I know I have plenty years up here and I should pace myself because the food isn’t going any where. However, I feel like a big kid in candy store. Can you blame me? I feel like I’ve been deprived of the finer things in life.

I’m laughing as I write this by the way. Besides the depression, finding work was also a stress factor. I’ve calculated exactly when I’m going to run out of money and I’d like to start working before that happens. I finally got a job interview next week so wish me luck.

Until then…I’m just going to use my gym membership and go to the gym at least six times a week. Wish me luck.

© Hikari Aie

Where Have I Been?

I haven’t been blogging as much. Where have I been? Living…

I can say living because its honestly what has been happening. I’ve been engaged for about three months. I moved from my home of many years to Orlando, Florida. I now live in the states. It’s day three now. I’ve accomplished getting my son registered for school and getting a gym membership. That’s about it.

I’m not having any kind of luck on finding a job which is soon going to become an issue because money is needed for food, lights, rent, and so forth. Am I okay…mentally? Kind of. I had to leave my fiance home to find a better life so to speak. I mean we’ll only be separated for about 345 more days but whose keeping count right.

I’m slowly slipping into that depressive state. Don’t want to be bothered or move or do much of anything. I mean I’m doing what I have to do but nothing more than that. Don’t have any friends here and I guess I’m lonely. Going out to meet friends would require transportation that I don’t have. Food is starting to turn my stomach. Friends at home are busy.

It’s life right…

I’m finally living the American dream..question now is

Do I still want it?

-Hikari Aie

WordPress-A-Versary

Hey Guys,

A month ago was my WordPress-A-Versary. I’ve been a blogger for a whole year. It’s been hard being “committed” and I didn’t think that anyone really followed me or paid attention to what I was ranting about. Turns out…

I WAS WRONG!!!

I was dead wrong. You may not have liked or commented but you did follow and you did share in my life story. So I would love to give you guys a big…

THANK YOU!!!

It’s been a hard year but I’d like to thank you guys for following me and keeping up with the madness that is my mind. Thank you for the well wishes and the fan mail. Yes…I have fan mail. Isn’t that awesome?

Overall, just thank you for being a part of my life, not just being a part but motivating me as well.

Here is what I have accomplished in a year’s time…

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*Let your curiosity get the best of you and click on the link to see my work*

Best Blog for the year

  1. Broken Girl – 21 Likes Overall

Top 10 Blogs that was ranked over 10 Likes

  1. Written– 15 Likes
  2. A Lover’s Dream– 14 Likes
  3. He Said – 14 Likes
  4. Prized Possession – 13 Likes
  5. EAT  – 12 Likes
  6. Flashlight – 12 Likes
  7. 30 Day Challenge – 11 Likes
  8. Girl in the Mirror – 11 Likes
  9. Karma – 11 Likes
  10. Sticks and Stones – 11 Likes

Top Blogs that was ranked with 10 Likes

  1. A Little More Time
  2. Day 18 – Believe in Me  
  3. Dreaming Alone
  4. Something
  5. Everything
  6. Happiness is…
  7. Happy
  8. Day 2 – 10 Year Plan
  9. Moving On 101 – Day 2
  10. Survival
  11. You Made Me Cry

My Favorite Blogs Sites

  1. Breaking the Silenc3 – Silenc340
  2. Trimesters and Tribulations – 
  3. Dadstayedhome
  4. Thelittlethingsinlife – Meli
  5. Drem
  6. SurvingingSara

 

I mean this post can continue but it can’t.

Stick around and see what’s coming up.

I’ve got big news.

© Hikari Aie

 

 

 

Moving On 101: Log 10 – Acceptance & Moving On

I haven’t done a log in quite some time. As you know I’ve been going though the motions of a ugly breakup with my ex of five years. Unofficially we’ve been broken up for a year. Officially is been seven months.

I’ve learned the following:

As the months passed I’ve went through all the stages of a breakup and finally I’ve come to the point of acceptance. I’ve accepted the fact that he cheated and lied. He took me for granted and at the end of the day he hurt me. I mean yes it sucks to be taken advantage of but I’m a stronger person today because of it.
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I gave myself time to heal because I needed it. I didn’t go searching for someone to love. I just dealt with it. I cried when I needed to cry and screamed a lot.

I surrounded myself with someone who cared about me and just tried my hardest to move on. However, it is hard to move on when you still haven’t accepted the situation that you’re in. Once you’ve accepted what you did or didn’t do wrong everything sort of just falls into place.

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Will I say that he was a mistake? No. I really did love him but I’m not going to beat myself up over him because I found something better.

I found myself.

I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’ve learned that I’m not going to repeat them. I’ve forgiven myself and this is why moving on is coming easy to me. It’s an amazing feeling to have peace of mind. No more tears. No more why me. The pain literally melted away.

Now the question is what do I do?

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This is what I did…I let go of my past and now I’m focusing on my future. I must admit that it’s looking very bright.

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I also follow this golden rule. Once I leave my house, I promise myself that nothing is going to steal my joy. I mean we all have moments where we feel down or sad but don’t focus on that.

The simple things in life makes me tremendously happy. Squeaky toys, things that glow in the dark, butterflies, rain, eating ice, and just laughing with my friends…All of those things makes me happy and I enjoy being happy.

I’ve honestly never been so happy and satisfied in my life. Having a man didn’t do that, loving myself did. Once I loved myself then everything else fell into place. I lost friends because I realized my worth and I’m okay with that. I met someone who loves me for me. He even loves me when I wake him up at four in the morning crying because it’s raining. It’s silly but this is me. The real me.

Now if you’ve been following me then you are probably thing why are you dating already. Well…that is a story for another blog and trust me, it’s coming soon.

Until then…

Remember this:

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© Hikari Aie

Happy Birthday Hikari Aie

It’s my birthday.

Yes, I am excited. I mean it only comes once a year.

I’ve reached the point in my life where everything finally feels right.

Today is my day to shine.

Whether I get something or not, I am going to make it through this day with nothing but smiles.

I’m going to find myself the biggest slice of cake I can find and happily devour it with a glass of milk.

Thank you in advance for the birthday love.

Click >here< to see my demands…I promise you they are simple.

😀

© Hikari Aie

Birthday Wishes

Tomorrow is my birthday. I was suppose to write this blog a long time ago but I was side tracked with life. I have a few demands. Okay….I’m joking. No demands…just a few wishes.

Every year for my birthday the only thing I wish for is a break. My dad’s business takes up so much time that I’ve never gotten to celebrate any holiday, especially my birthday. It’s gotten to the point where it’s even been forgotten or rushed off because other things were more important. You would think that after a while I’d stop being so happy and optimistic right. Nope. Not me…I’m all buckets full of sunshine.

On my birthday I took the day off to spend it with friends but plans changed. Even though I’m off from both my jobs…my dad decided to do a last minute event. As always, the universe provides and I’ll be working on my birthday for my dad…for free.

What I would like for my birthday would be the following:

  • Lots of birthday wishes!!!!!
  • Birthday Cards…email or send it in the mail. Many thank you’s will follow.
  • Pencil Crayons because I love coloring
  • Adult Coloring Books to use those awesome pencil crayons on.
  • Any Dance Dance Revolution Game and mat for either the Wii, Playstation 3 or 4, XBOX 360 or One. Gotta exercise right
  • Pandora Charm Bracelet or a Pandora Charm
  • Gummy Bears
  • Silly Socks
  • Hearts
  • To feel loved and appreciated
  • To be surprised
  • Tons of laughter

DanceDanceRevolution II Bundle - Nintendo Wii

I don’t think that wish list is too hard to follow. I could do without a lot on it though. Anyway…I hope everyone is doing well and I’m sending you hugs from my sunny little island.

© Hikari Aie

 

Balance

I haven’t been writing for a while because I’ve been going through some things. I’ve also been living. My life is starting to consume most of my time but that doesn’t mean that I should ignore my followers…if I have any.

My grandmother passed. I’m still dealing with that. I’m actually avoiding dealing with it in a sense. My best friend birthday has passed. He was killed a few years ago. I’m handling that as well. I lost my health insurance as well. I’m trying to get that back as fast as I can…no such luck.

However with all the pain there must be some sort of light at the end of tunnel. My light happens to be that I’m in an amazing relationship. It’s possible that I’m soon to be engaged. I’m also watching my love graduate with his masters. I’m celebrating my birthday next week Wednesday and I’m super excited. I’m moving in July to start a new life.

With all the bad life always finds a way to balance stuff out.

Hikari Aie