Social Butterfly

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Let’s be honest. It’s been almost two years, who am I fooling? In two years a lot has changed. I’m married. I still have one child. He’s ten now and is hurdling into the sixth grade. My husband works for the government and I’m currently on summer vacation from work. I happen to be a teacher/paraprofessional/substitute. I wear many hats at my school…or I use to until summer vacation. I also use to think that I was a social butterfly but I quickly learned that I was not.

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A social butterfly is a slang term for a person who is socially dynamic, networking, charismatic, and personally gregarious.  This is the person that I was. I grew up being a social butterfly among friends and family. However, when I was alone and by myself, I turned into the most quiet and depressed person. As the years went by, I continued to be outgoing and social in the public eye. Now I’m sitting here lost because I am alone.

I have nothing to do during the summer. You can only clean and cook but so much. My son is off at camp and my husband is at work. I remember growing up that I worked two or three jobs. I use to think it was because I needed money to survive but as I sit here I realize its not. I worked so much and kept myself so busy because I didn’t know how to be alone.

I don’t think I love myself as much as I put off. My husband sees this and he tells me he loves me regardless. He wants me to not stress and take on an over bearing workload. He’s there for a reason and I suppose that’s true. He wants me to find myself and fall in love with the person he fell in love with. Easier said than done. I have no idea where to begin. Back home I had tons of friends and beaches. I had so many different outlets and in the states I zilch.

Do you guys know that I have never went to the movies by myself or taken a walk or even gone to the mall for fun? If it wasn’t with someone else then it didn’t happen. I guess I still have a lot to learn about myself. I do know that sometimes being me is lonely. I guess this is the summer that I try and find out who I am. I have more than enough time.

Wish me luck…

Aie

 

 

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If I Could…

If I cold be honest about how I feel…

I would tell you that 

I HATE YOU

Its a strong word

This feeling 

But you would never know

Because I still love you so

I hate that you tear me down 

Using big words 

Making me feel inadequate 

I hate that my feelings 

Can never be my own

So I have silenced my voice

In the sake of love

How can I be the person

That I need to be

When the person I hate is so

Me

Hikari Aie

Unspoken

The upset mind
Is quick to lash out
With an angry tongue
Using words to
Unconsciously
Hurt the people
They care about.

Be careful,
For once out there
Those words
Can never be
Unspoken.

©Hikari Aie

Expectations

I need you to see me for me
Love me for me
Not what you want me to be
Living up to your expectations
With standards set so high
I’ll never reach
I can be my own person
By just being me
Love me for who I am
Not the image
You want me to be

© Hikari Aie

One Person

It only takes one person
To ruin your life
Turn you into something
You’re not
Anger…
Bitter…
Jealous…
Insecure…
Broken…
Cold-hearted…
Because you fell
Head over heels
In love with someone
Who didn’t understand
Your worth
Now…
You’ve turned into
That very monster
Continuing the cycle
Trying to protect your heart
When you should have
Never given it
To that one person
From the start

Hikari Aie

Fake It

Sometimes you have to fake it to make it
You know what I mean
Pretend that everything is fine
In order to function in life
Tell yourself you’re happy
When its furthest from the truth
And if you’re lucky
Your heart will follow suit

© Hikari Aie