How much…

How much do you love me?

My brain loves the way you make me think
My head loves the way you play in my hair 

My eyes love to see how beautiful you are 

My nose loves the smell of your hair 

My mouth loves your kisses

My ears love to hear you talk

My neck loves your long hugs

My chest loves that you fall asleep on it

My stomach loves the food you put in it

My privates, well, you know

My legs love walking to you

My heart loves you with every beat

Hikari Aie

September 18th 2016

For the last five years, I’ve celebrated my anniversary on this day. This is the first year that I won’t be celebrating anything. Today would have made it six years officially with my ex. How do I feel?

I feel sad because I gave five years and something months to someone who I cared deeply for. I trusted him with everything and in return he hurt me. He embarrassed me in front people, took advantage of me, and used my kindness against me. When I try to focus on the good times with him or when I say it wasn’t all bad, I think about the fight that either happened before or after that good time. I think about our kids that never got the chance to take a first breath.

Even though we’ve separated, I still defend him. I guess its the part of me that still see’s the good in everyone. I don’t think I would have even remembered what today was if it wasn’t for Facebook memories. Talk about a sucker punch.

I think about him less and less now. Sometimes my mind wonders on him and that’s okay. Just because it ended badly doesn’t mean I have to erase him completely out of my life. What happened is done and gone. The only thing I can do know is learn and move on. I promised myself that I would never stay in a relationship was was damaging for me. I would know my worth and value myself. I don’t need a significant other to valid who I am as a person. I can do bad all by myself.

It’s hard to get out of a bad thing once you’ve committed. Some of us stay in a bad relationship because we’ve put so much of our time and money into to it that we can’t let it go. Others stay because they feel obligated to that person. In some cases, we stay because we don’t want to be alone or start over in the dating world. Most times we don’t know how to start over.

A relationship shouldn’t destroy you. It shouldn’t make you cry. You shouldn’t wake up and wonder if today is the day that they will look at you like you are their world again. It shouldn’t.

“If you have to get out of bed to speak to your best friend, you’ve married the wrong person…”

I did this on and off with my best friend for my whole relationship. I didn’t even realize that I developed feelings for him until one morning I woke up tired of crying. I knew my boyfriend was cheating and didn’t want to do anything with me. I decided at that moment that I couldn’t do it anymore. Having him in my life mainly because my of my son didn’t do anyone any justice. It didn’t matter if my feelings were reciprocated by my best friend or not. I choose me. I thought it was a selfish choice but I’m happier now than I’ve been in years. My son is thriving as well.

Now on September 18th wake up to messages like this:

{12:36 am}
Fiancé, you’re beautiful inside and out and I’m not going to ruin a beautiful soul like yours. You’ve been through enough and I know because I’ve been around for most of it. I love you. I love your smile. Even when you don’t want to and you do it just for me. I love your laughs that turn into snorts. I love how much you care about me. You always put me first no matter what and I’ve never really had that before.  I love how you try to keep me on my toes although at the end of the day I always know what you’re going to do before you do it. I love your kisses and I love your hugs. I could use one of your hugs right now.

Nothing I say can erase the past,  but it has been a while since I’ve told you (in the detail that you love) exactly what you mean to me. You deserve so much goodness. It’s mostly going to come from me. 

I love you. I hope you’re having sweet dreams. 

When I get off work I see messages like this:

{9:41 pm}
Your’re an amazing fiance indeed. It’s a shame that you were not taken care of the way you should have been. 

You’re finally in a good relationship where what you give is what you get. You’re loved and appreciated. We make people believe in love again. We give them hope. You’re good enough. You will always be enough. Now and forever, I love you.

{10:36 pm}
I’ve realized that yes, there are pretty girls out there, but none of them will ever come close to what you have to offer. Your worth goes beyond outward appearance. Your heart and personality will always trump any “pretty” girl out there. I’ve loved you for so long because no matter what, you always remain lovable through your actions. Thanks for never changing regardless of what you were put through. I love you for who you are and I hope I show you that although there are things  that you can change about yourself, I never want you to change who you are.

I hope work is going by well. I love you.

He’s giving a whole new meaning to September 18th and every other day of the year. If you still haven’t caught on yet and if you’re curious to know…

I am marrying my best friend.

© Hikari Aie

Engaged

The ocean crashes against the shore

on Honeymoon Beach

The warm sand beneath our feet

As you pull me from my seat

The boats are docking

Friends are watching

As you dropped to one knee

Asking me that crazy question

“Will you marry me?”

My hearts stops beating

Tears start to fall

My face is red

And I can hear it all

Your declaration of love

Our friends saying yes

Watching you on one knee

Speaking to me

A girl whose had it rough

Been told that she’ll

Never be good enough

Will never be loved

To see that this guy

Picked me

Wanted me

Loved me

Was more than enough

For me to nod my head

And whisper

“Yes”

© Hikari Aie

 

 

 

Cheated

Being cheated on doesn’t only

Change you but it redirects

Your concept on love

The person you loved lied

Even though you tried

To be the best you could be

Trying to come back

From that place

Is hard

Trust is broken

Faith is misplaced

All by the one person

Who promised

Never to lie to

Your face

© Hikari Aie 

 

Moving On 101: Log 9 – Fight For It

When you’re in a relationship you’re suppose to fight. I’m not talking about the arguments that leads to screaming matches. I’m talking about fighting for what you believe in…fighting for your love.

It is super easy to say that you have someone by your side all the time but how many of you fight for them after they say, “Yes, I’ll be your boyfriend/girlfriend.” In my opinion, you should never stop fighting. You should fight everyday with everything you do.

Pick a day of the week and make it date night. Try breakfast in bed, take long walks, go to the beach, or simply text them randomly and say I love you. Tell them that they look handsome or beautiful. The sky is the limit. I can shot off a million simple ideas off the top of my head.

Never make the person you want to spend the rest of your life with feel unwanted. Never make them feel unloved. Never stop fighting. I implore you to keep finding ways to make them happy. You can’t give you 10% and expect 100% from them. It doesn’t work like that. Relationships are 50/50.

I’ve never had anyone fight for me before until now. My spouse goes above and beyond for me and I do for him as well. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to find a text from him and I smile. Other times he sets messages in my calendar alerts on my phone. I never know about them until they pop up randomly. He fights for me everyday. It makes me feel happy and special.

His challenge has been my parents, specifically my father. My father has control issues. He’s ruthless and no one has stood up to him for me before, not even my ex of five years. We dated for five years and he never once tried to meet my father because he was too afraid. He never tried. I always had to go above and beyond just to see him. It felt like I was sneaking around my parents back. I hated it. I remember asking him if he would ever fight for me/us. His response was “No. I’d never force you to be with me if you didn’t want to.” I guess this was why it was so easy for him to walk away from what we had in the first place. I was too much work.

My spouse has faced my father several times. He’s actually gotten involved in the family business and stood up for me. He stays respectful at all times but he’ll never let him destroy me or tear me down. He’s fighting for us…my love. Whenever I asked that question, “Will you fight for me?” that’s all I wanted. Someone who wasn’t afraid of my father…who wasn’t afraid to be a part of my crazy family in the long haul.

Every day is something new and different. The smallest thing between us means the world to me because I’m no longer sneaking. I’m safe around him and he’ll never give up on me…on us. He’ll give me whatever I want and all I have to do is ask but he’s already given me what I really wanted. He’s fighting for me and he’ll continue to fight for me every day for the rest of our lives. He’ll never let me give up on us, never let me walk away. I love him for that.

Relationships are a lot of give and take. It’s a 50/50 commitment. Never stop fighting for your love and your significant other. The smallest thing can mean the world to them. Try it some time. The random “I love you” or the simple forehead kiss. Lunch dates or just watching a movie at home. You can find a way to make it work if you want it to.

Keep the spark between you alive and never let it die.

© Hikari Aie

Moving On 101 – Log 8

I haven’t done one of these in a while. No clue why though. In recent events, I happened to end up at an outing with my ex and his girlfriend. Needless to say when he saw that I was there with my significant other, he left and went to get his. Did it bother me? Yes. I mean who wouldn’t it bother.

I guess seeing him with another person wasn’t something I ever expected to deal with. It’s like it was done to get my attention and it did happen. I felt thrown off my game. It’s easy to say you are over someone when you don’t have to see or interact with them. However, when the time comes and you see each other you’ll get knocked in the gut with a bunch emotions and regret quickly starts to take over.

At the end of the day you have to remember that you are no longer together for a reason. If it was something that could have been fixed then you wouldn’t have been standing around having mental conversations with yourself. You would have been together being happy instead of watching each other with other people.

How did my night end? Well, I picked up a bottle and ran through several of them. I got into a heated debate with my significant other and he made me sit through the night watching my ex. I mean it may sound cruel but I needed it. Its like you don’t believe someone is dead until you see them getting buried. If you get what I mean. Seeing them together and seeing my ex go out of his way to get my attention somehow opened a cut that had barely healed but at the same time it buried him.

If I’m honest with myself I loved him yes but somewhere along the line everything changed and I didn’t want to admit it. I miss the idea of him because I was comfortable. I wanted him to be the one but that wasn’t how I really felt. I wasn’t miserable but I was comfortable. I guess settling so to speak.

Let’s be honest, I would have been gone a long time ago if certain events didn’t occur. I don’t think I was ready to say good bye or move on. I think his cheating was what I really needed to walk away. Even then, I didn’t leave. What I did do was focus on myself more because no one deserves more loyalty than me. When I felt strong enough I left.

I’ve replayed that night over and over in my head, as well as the day after. I was so pissed with my significant other but I realized he didn’t do it out of spite. He did it to help me. He knows I’ve been living in denial. I’m not good at putting up a front. He also knows that I’m extremely happy with him. He did it to help me let go because letting go is something that I struggle with. If I don’t let go I’ll eventually self destruct and he’s helping me work through it. Understanding cannot even compare to this guy. He’s really amazing.

Anyway, we’re slowly getting to the root of why I am the way I am. That’s another story for another day.

Until next time.

© Hikari Aie