March 9th 2017

March 9th 2013 is the day that I had to say good bye to my little one. Four years have passed since that day and you would think that it gets easier. For some people it does get easier. For others it doesn’t.

It doesn’t get easier for me. The sadness and despair takes over my mind. By the end of the night I’ll be crying in the shower under the hottest stream of water that the human body can endure. Just like every other time, I won’t feel the sting of the water on my skin. I won’t feel the burn or anything after that.

At this point I have to wonder, why does it hurt more now? There is no three year old running around the house causing chaos and destruction. There are no crayon markings all over the wall. Why does grief have to feel so real? Its like a second skin…reminding me of what I couldn’t do. What I failed to do.

I am suppose to protect and love. How can I call myself a mother if I couldn’t even protect my child from me?

©Hikari Aie

For Me

If you could love me
For me…
Would you?
Would you love all
The good things about me
Like my…
Laugh
Smile
Eyes
The silly things I say
Selflessness
My snoring
Snort
My excitement for bubbles
And don’t forget butterflies

If you could love me
For me…
Would you?
Would you love all
The bad things about me
Like my…
Depression
Anxiety
Fear of PDA
Mood swings that lasts for days
Attitude
Stubbornness
Insecurities
My crippling sense of fear…

If you could love me
For me…
Would you?
Would you love me…
Could you love…
The good
&
The bad
?

Hikari Aie

 

Daggers

Back and forth we go

I’m flustered

It’s a frustrating feeling

My mind is going too fast

My mouth can’t keep up

So it says the first words it catches

He stops talking

I stop when I see the reaction

But it’s already too late

My words had slowly changed

Becoming daggers

One had hit it’s mark

His heart

Broken Girl

She opens her mouth to talk
But finds she is unable to speak
As he apologizes to her
Down on his knees
Tears on his cheeks
Her heart feels weak
As she listens to his words

I love you
I’ll never hurt you

I promise you that you will never cry again
You are my everything

Words that have no meaning to her
Because she’s been broken
Down to nothing
But with him
She wants to be something
More than nothing
His words should mean the world
But to a broken girl
It’s been said before
Lie after lie
Time and time again
By people who loved her
And those she called her friend
This guy before her
Is turning into her everything
She wants to give him her all
She wants to open up
As he kneels before her
She’s still a closed book
His eyes filled with pain
Nothing left to gain
He’s laid it out on the floor
She’s capable of love
For this she is sure
Sadly, this broken girl
Still looks for the door

© Aie

 

 

Accept Me

Accept me for who I am

Not who you want me to be

Be my friend because I’m a good friend

Not because of what you can get from me

Why tear me down?

Why hurt me?

When all you have to do is

Accept me

And my love and friendship

Will flow endlessly

© Hikari Aie

Moving On 101: Day 5

I know something now that I didn’t then. There is no template for how to handle an affair or a break up. There is no perfect script. Real life isn’t a movie, and setting his clothes on fire will probably get you arrested. Instead, you do the best you can to take care of yourself, to take care of your children, and to keep getting up every morning until the day it doesn’t hurt quite as badly as before.

In time, you discover if your relationship/marriage is broken or just bent, taking on a new shape, a new normal. And, if you are really lucky, someday you figure out how to forgive and learn how to live with the knowledge that someone can both love you deeply and cheat on you.

Love is messy. Relationships and marriage is messy. Life goes on.

It’s how you deal with it that counts…

Right?