It’s hard to focus on planning a wedding when I’m wondering if I’m going to make it to even see myself walk down the aisle. What started as a simple doctor’s appointment to find out about a chest cold ended up in me finding out that I have a heart problem.
What’s worse is that they cannot tell me what’s wrong. I’ve had two EKG’s done and a chest x-ray. They cannot tell me anything except that something is wrong. It scared me that the nurses openly talked about my results like I was not in the same room with them. Things said like…
“Is this right?”
“I’ll run it again.”
“I’ve done this test three times…Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, You’re doing it correct. Something is wrong with her heart.”
After that I have to deal with questions that makes me wonder if the warning signs were always there.
“Do you have shortness of breath?”
“Do you have chest pains or heart palpitations?”
“Do you suffer from fatigue?”
“How long have you suffered from this?”
“Do you have a living will?”
The questions kept coming and coming. After a while I checked out. I mean can you blame me? So I’m sitting here thinking and wondering what happens after the next test? Do I panic when I get chest pains? What happens if I get dizzy in the middle of teaching my class again? Do I freak out when I blow my nose and its only blood?
There are a lot of what ifs and not enough answers. I’d like to think that there is nothing wrong with my heart. I just have a really big one. The one where I’m always there to help my friends. The kind of heart that never stops loving. One that loves to cook and feed the world.
If anything my heart is bursting with love that I haven’t been able to share yet….lives I haven’t been able to touch.
© Hikari Aie