The New Kid

I really hate being the new kid. It’s rough. I’ve been unemployed for a month and I hate it. Most people would love the vacation but the way I live I can’t just sit and knit or read a book. It’s hard. It’s frustrating, seeing your bank account deplete and dwindle down to nothing. It almost feels like desperation is kicking in.

I am not a hermit. Never have been. I hate being confined and restricted to the house. I left my island for freedom but I’ve been confined even more. It feels like I can’t breathe. Like my chest hurts and every breath or every heartbeat is painfully slow. It’s like watching the flame to a candle die. I feel like my wings have been officially clipped.

I miss having intellectual conversations with people. I haven’t really spoken to anyone in the three weeks that I’ve been here. I’m actually dying for intellectual conversation that does not have to deal with texting or calling. I want to go to the store and just have a conversation with someone about what can of beets to buy. Does this sound weird? I hope not.

The most conversation I’ve had was at my job interviews. The job interviews for the jobs that I failed to land. I’ve never been rejected before but to hear someone say you’ve basically gotten the job, I think you are better suited for the managerial position…only to receive a call the next day saying better luck next time. I don’t know….I guess it messes with you in a sense.

Better luck next time…

These words have been told to me numerous times within the last three weeks. I’m doing a good job of keeping it together and not leaving the chronic wave of depression swallow me whole but still….

I hate being the new kid.

© Hikari Aie

Transition & Food

Transitioning to the states is not an easy feat. It’s been exactly one week and a day. How did I fair? Well I managed to get my son registered for school. I got my driver’s license and voter’s registration. I got a job interview already lined up. I have a gym membership as well. A lot of people might read this and think that I’m doing just fine but I’ve been struggling.

I needed a gym membership because I was struggling with depression. I was homesick. I miss my fiance and friends. It seemed like suddenly everyone was too busy for me now that I was out of sight and mind. In my depressive state, I ate a lot. I knew I gained pounds because all of a sudden my underwear couldn’t fit. They were cutting off circulation. It’s surprising how much weight you can gain in a few days because you’ve been eating like a hog.

I mean eating brought me comfort. Those red velvet cupcakes, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Cookies and Creme brownies from Publix topped with Oreo crumbs, Red velvet Oreos and 16 oz log cake with icing. Pancakes and burgers are like 99 cents. Who wouldn’t get fat? Back home to get a 10 piece bucket of chicken is about $40 – $50. In Florida, it’s like $20 or maybe less. What is a medium sized drink at home is considered a small drink in the states of lesser value. It’s crazy.

I’m in food heaven. Taco Bell, Burger King, Arbys, Golden Coral, Perkins, Ihop, and Denny’s…just to name a few. You guys know what you have. All these restaurants to my disposal, of course I’m going to go crazy. We only have Wendy’s, Sbarro, KFC, Subway and Mcdonald’s at home. We’re limited on our fast food selections. Can you see why I’ve been filling up like a hog.

Yes…I know I have plenty years up here and I should pace myself because the food isn’t going any where. However, I feel like a big kid in candy store. Can you blame me? I feel like I’ve been deprived of the finer things in life.

I’m laughing as I write this by the way. Besides the depression, finding work was also a stress factor. I’ve calculated exactly when I’m going to run out of money and I’d like to start working before that happens. I finally got a job interview next week so wish me luck.

Until then…I’m just going to use my gym membership and go to the gym at least six times a week. Wish me luck.

© Hikari Aie

Where Have I Been?

I haven’t been blogging as much. Where have I been? Living…

I can say living because its honestly what has been happening. I’ve been engaged for about three months. I moved from my home of many years to Orlando, Florida. I now live in the states. It’s day three now. I’ve accomplished getting my son registered for school and getting a gym membership. That’s about it.

I’m not having any kind of luck on finding a job which is soon going to become an issue because money is needed for food, lights, rent, and so forth. Am I okay…mentally? Kind of. I had to leave my fiance home to find a better life so to speak. I mean we’ll only be separated for about 345 more days but whose keeping count right.

I’m slowly slipping into that depressive state. Don’t want to be bothered or move or do much of anything. I mean I’m doing what I have to do but nothing more than that. Don’t have any friends here and I guess I’m lonely. Going out to meet friends would require transportation that I don’t have. Food is starting to turn my stomach. Friends at home are busy.

It’s life right…

I’m finally living the American dream..question now is

Do I still want it?

-Hikari Aie

Open/Closed

She closed herself off

From happiness

And love

He was the key

That unlocked the door
To show her love

And happiness

Still exists

However…

When the door 

To the plane closed

With him on the other side

How could she remain happy

When they faced their 

Greatest enemy yet…

“Distance”

– Hikari Aie