Day 30: Up and Downs – The End

Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this month

I have gone through a good bit of lows this month.

I had an episode in which my depression took over. I stopped writing and just caring about things in general. Currently struggling with it still.

I got into an argument with my father that ultimately led to me getting kicked out the house.

I dropped the ball on this challenge a couple of times.

I’m sick…again…possibly worse than before. Everyone keeps screaming death and dialysis and in my head it’s like La De Da…

My highs have been high.

I stood up to my boss for the first time in four years.

My boyfriend is now a scientist! He got his Masters in Science. I’m so proud of him you have no idea.

My biggest high was when he told me he decided to walk for graduation. He had no idea how important it was for me to see it. Personal reasons of course. I wished for him to say he would do it on a star every night. I made promises that I now have to fulfill. Honestly, that’s what I wanted from him for my birthday anyway. So I am completely content.

My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks, 6 days, 3 hours, 3 minutes, and 3…2…1…seconds.

I have a two week vacation.

Also, that I made it to the end of this challenge.

Thank you all for keeping up with me.

© Hikari Aie

 

Day 29 – Goals

Day 29 – Goals for the next 30 days.

My goals for the next thirty days are simple.

I’m going to work as hard as I can so that I can pay off bills before I move.

I have to pack my boxes.

Apply for jobs in my state of choice.

I’m also going to do everything I want to do before I leave.

You only have one life to live and you should live it.

Most of all I’m going to be happy.

© Hikari Aie

Expectations

I need you to see me for me
Love me for me
Not what you want me to be
Living up to your expectations
With standards set so high
I’ll never reach
I can be my own person
By just being me
Love me for who I am
Not the image
You want me to be

© Hikari Aie

Day 28 – Reminisce

Day 28 – Something that you miss

I miss a lot of things. It’s hard to just pick one but then again I’m a girl so…yeah. It’s like choosing clothes to wear.

I really and seriously miss having a car. No offense to people who have public transportation but I have to commend you and what you put up with. I never realized how much easier my life was with a car. Now without it, I’m making a lot of sacrifices. I’ve missed meetings at work or at my son’s school because I couldn’t get there in time.

I’ve pulled my son out of all his activities just because I cannot do my job and still be able to pick him up on time. I can’t even rely on doing a carpool or anything just because my son is not the easiest to handle. There have been a good couple of times where I myself have been stranded after work.

I wanted to get the most that my island has to offer before I moved. I wanted to take my son to all of his favorite places and have him experience carnival in its fullest. I can’t do that without a car because I’ll need to find transportation home and doing everything on our list via taxi will break the bank. It really sucks but I’m making the best of it.

I miss my best friend. He was killed and I felt like he was stolen too soon. Some times I wish that I could go back to our hideaway places to think about things that bothers me. Some times I wish he could show up at my front door with a frosty from Wendy’s to cheer me up when I’m having an episode. Other times I just miss that we could take long drives around the island, talking about nothing in general until the gas runs out. I miss him. A. Lot. 

I miss my grandfather who died as well. He died from pancreatic cancer. It added to the hole that was left in my heart when I lost my best friend. I wish that he could come back so he could teach me about cars. I wish that he could have been the pastor who married me and my significant other. I wanted him to be at the wedding, in the wedding, and everything. I wish he could see his other grandchildren.

Sadly, they are not here anymore and I have to live in my memories of them. It feels like if I stop remembering that I’ll forget them. I’m struggling as it is now to remember how their voices sound. Why is it that it feels like its becoming a distant memory when I don’t want it too…

© Hikari Aie

Day 27 – Conflicts

Day 27 – A problem that you have had

I can’t really think of any problems that I’ve had that stuck with me per say. I have problems with myself. I have major communication issues and now I trust no one. I’m so afraid of being vulnerable and trusting people that it’s a surprise that I’ve allowed myself to trust my boyfriend after everything I’ve been through. I mean I trust him but it’s taking time to break down walls. The pain from my past should not affect our future. Easier said than done.

Another problem I would say I have would be that I’m self conscious about how I look. I know every girl probably struggles with it but my issues have lead to eating disorders. Some that I still struggle with today. I’m not fat…I just feel that I could use some improvement.

My biggest problem is letting go of the pain that people has cause me. I’ve held onto it and the negative things that they’ve said or done follows me around like a puppy. I can’t let go at all. It takes years for me to move off of one thing but then the next thing comes along and I’m stuck in an endless process again.

What can I say? I’m a work in progress just like everyone else.

© Hikari Aie

“I Love You”

The words I Love You never needs to be said
I see it every time he tells me its time for bed
Pulling me close with my head on his chest
I close my eyes and he does the rest
Holding me tightly with gentle caress
Ending it sweetly with a forehead kiss

He tells me “I Love You” in the way we kiss
Every time he smiles at me it’s pure bliss
From the slightest touch
To the walk to my front door
To glances he steal while we eat lunch

“I Love You” is said
When he spins me around in a circle just for laughs
Or when he whisks me away for a silly dance
How about when he dries my tears
And erases my fears

Sometimes it doesn’t need to be said
“I Love You”
Those words with so much meaning
Is better said by showing and feeling.

© Hikari Aie

 

One More Month

Today is April 18th 2016. This means that it is exactly one month away from my birthday which is:

May 18th 2016

For the first time in a very long time, I’m excited. I really hated my birthday because I always had to work on it or I never got to do anything special. I remember one birthday my dad had to cater for it so everyone forgot. Not only that but he told me that I was a waste of time and the only thing I would ever be good at is laying on my back. Wow right…

This is why I go above and beyond for anyone’s birthday. If I can’t feel amazing on mines, I try to make others feel good on theirs. For my ex, I always had an elaborate scheme to gather his friends together for a surprise party or cook for him. Something each year that was different. I remember the one year my son and I stayed up baking sugar cookies for him the night before. When it was given to him, he was too wrapped up in his feelings to even enjoy it much less say Thank You. Needless to say, my son noticed and asked questions later.

For his last birthday, I gave him exactly what he wanted. I couldn’t get out of work to do something but I got him several cases of water and allowed him to sleep the whole day. Anyone who needed him or harassed him for his birthday, I had them call me and I did all the errands. Unfortunately for me he took the wrong way and felt like I ditched him on his birthday. Stupid me right. He still ended up having a surprise party anyway. Go figure. I guess it’s no longer the thought that counts.

So this year it’s gonna be different. My boyfriend has already given me an early birthday gift.

71PKKwNhnML._SL1001_.jpg

It’s a SNOW GLOBE!!!!!!!!!! I love it. It has all my favorite things in it. It glitters, has a cherry blossoms, a butterfly, and guys….IT’S PINK. I may sound dumb but it’s the most thoughtful give I have ever received. It’s amazingly awesome.

Also, for the first time ever I’m taking my birthday off from work. Both jobs to be exact. I’m not stopping there either. I’ve taken from Wednesday to Sunday off. WHAT?!?! I know. It’s something I’ve never done before…ever.

On these days there will be no errands, chores, working, or nothing of the sort. These days are dedicated to me, myself, and I. For the first time in a very long time, I’m going to take care of me. I’m so excited that you have no idea. I know my boyfriend is planning something but I don’t expect nothing else from him. The snow globe was enough. The time and dedication used to get me something so awesome is seriously enough. I can’t ask for nothing more.

However, I will be posting a very short birthday wish list. 🙂

Once again it’s a first that I actually want stuff for myself. Everything is really inexpensive so yeah. It’s whatever.

So…wish me luck.

Birthday cards, well wishes, and love are all accepted. Once again….not expecting anything. I’m just excited about next month.

Breathe girl….breathe

🙂

© Hikari Aie

Day 26 – Opposites Attract

Day 26 – What kind of person attracts you?

I am attracted to people who are real. They have no issue telling you how they feel. They shouldn’t hold things against you.

Confidence, honesty, and loyalty are also good qualities. If I have to be around someone, I want to know that they are a good person. I understand that people have flaws and I don’t want them to be perfect but I still want to be able to feel comfortable around you.

Having a sense of humor is a must. I love to laugh so I hope what whoever I’m around likes to laugh as well.

Hypocrites has got to go. I get that we all do this sometimes but if you’re going to be this kind of person all the time then I can’t be around you.

I’m also attracted to people who understand the value of family and friendship. You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat their friends and family.

Finally, you have to be able to just let go and have fun. Don’t be a stick in the mud or be boring. I’m not talking about going skydiving but once in a while change up the routine.

I want to be able to live my life. I would like that anyone I’m attracted too, whether it be a friend, family member, or spouse….should be able to live and enjoy life as well.

Hopefully it’s not too much to ask for…right?

© Hikari Aie

Moving On 101: Log 9 – Fight For It

When you’re in a relationship you’re suppose to fight. I’m not talking about the arguments that leads to screaming matches. I’m talking about fighting for what you believe in…fighting for your love.

It is super easy to say that you have someone by your side all the time but how many of you fight for them after they say, “Yes, I’ll be your boyfriend/girlfriend.” In my opinion, you should never stop fighting. You should fight everyday with everything you do.

Pick a day of the week and make it date night. Try breakfast in bed, take long walks, go to the beach, or simply text them randomly and say I love you. Tell them that they look handsome or beautiful. The sky is the limit. I can shot off a million simple ideas off the top of my head.

Never make the person you want to spend the rest of your life with feel unwanted. Never make them feel unloved. Never stop fighting. I implore you to keep finding ways to make them happy. You can’t give you 10% and expect 100% from them. It doesn’t work like that. Relationships are 50/50.

I’ve never had anyone fight for me before until now. My spouse goes above and beyond for me and I do for him as well. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to find a text from him and I smile. Other times he sets messages in my calendar alerts on my phone. I never know about them until they pop up randomly. He fights for me everyday. It makes me feel happy and special.

His challenge has been my parents, specifically my father. My father has control issues. He’s ruthless and no one has stood up to him for me before, not even my ex of five years. We dated for five years and he never once tried to meet my father because he was too afraid. He never tried. I always had to go above and beyond just to see him. It felt like I was sneaking around my parents back. I hated it. I remember asking him if he would ever fight for me/us. His response was “No. I’d never force you to be with me if you didn’t want to.” I guess this was why it was so easy for him to walk away from what we had in the first place. I was too much work.

My spouse has faced my father several times. He’s actually gotten involved in the family business and stood up for me. He stays respectful at all times but he’ll never let him destroy me or tear me down. He’s fighting for us…my love. Whenever I asked that question, “Will you fight for me?” that’s all I wanted. Someone who wasn’t afraid of my father…who wasn’t afraid to be a part of my crazy family in the long haul.

Every day is something new and different. The smallest thing between us means the world to me because I’m no longer sneaking. I’m safe around him and he’ll never give up on me…on us. He’ll give me whatever I want and all I have to do is ask but he’s already given me what I really wanted. He’s fighting for me and he’ll continue to fight for me every day for the rest of our lives. He’ll never let me give up on us, never let me walk away. I love him for that.

Relationships are a lot of give and take. It’s a 50/50 commitment. Never stop fighting for your love and your significant other. The smallest thing can mean the world to them. Try it some time. The random “I love you” or the simple forehead kiss. Lunch dates or just watching a movie at home. You can find a way to make it work if you want it to.

Keep the spark between you alive and never let it die.

© Hikari Aie