Who Are You?

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Unable to meet his gaze, her eyes are cast down in her lap. The conversation is deep, uncomfortable. It’s vulnerable. In that moment she wishes that the earth would open up beneath her and swallow her whole. Unfortunately, it doesn’t and she is forced to answer the question that she’s been dreading to hear.

Who are you?”

A question asked because the answer was at the moment a need to know. Her dirty little secret was about to come out and things may go down hill from there. Her first instinct is to lie. To become the person he wanted her to be and not the person she was in that moment. Instead, she went with a more cautious response…

“What do you mean?”

She felt proud of herself. She didn’t had to lie but she didn’t tell the truth either. She merely answered the question with a question. It was something she knew he hated but with her if she was lucky then she would get a pass. Unfortunately, tonight was not her night. He wasn’t giving her the pass she so desperately desired.

“Don’t tell me until you want to,

but my trust is gone til you do.”

It was then that she looked up at him, their eyes didn’t meet. They couldn’t. It was as if he had physically hit her and part of her wish he did. A hit she could take. She grew up with brothers and fighting was nothing to her. It was the gut wrenching hole his words left within her that bothered her. She had his love, that was the easy part. However keeping his trust seemed to be a harder task than holding his heart in her hands.

She wanted his trust, desired it even. It was like the part of her was fighting to hold onto it but it felt like she was losing. His trust seemed to be slipping from her like sand gliding through her fingers. She didn’t want that. Who would?

“In this moment, who am I talking too?”

She paused and looked down. This was the moment of truth. This would be the time where she would have to be at her most vulnerable and most exposed. This was the dark secret she hid from the world with ease and the secret he wanted to know, to get to understand. This was her moment of truth.

“I am two sides of the same coin.”

I am two sides of a coin. I go by two names, two very different personalities but we share the same body. We are different as night and day. I live for the thrills and she would rather read a book. Switching will occur from time to time. During those times, one loses track of another. Seconds turns into minutes. Minutes turns into hours. Hours turns in to days. Days to weeks and so forth.

Losing time became a regular. We left notes to each other. Today I did this….Yesterday I did that. We adapted….until we fell in love with two different guys. The fight for dominance came at an all time high. One heart going this way and the other pulled in another.

This is my secret

Even though she avoids his gaze, she feels him watching her. She holds her breath unable to hear his next question that she anxiously awaits for.

“What do you want?”

“You.”

The question answered with relief floating in the air. However, this question still goes unanswered.

Who are you?”

Am I the girl you fell in love with or am I the girl who has to pretend to be the girl you love?

“Who

are

you…”

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Lie

How do you look at someone and lie?

Does it not matter to you the tears that fall from their eyes?

Begging you to be honest and true

Something you couldn’t even do

Because you felt like you wasn’t good enough

Acting like you had it tough

Well, they had it rough

Standing…listening to you lie

When honestly honesty was your best try.

Now you live the life of a lie that you regret

A lie that will always make you fret

Slowly driving you to your death

When all you had to was stay true

And prevent that person from blue

By just uttering even whispering

Darling,

♥ I Love You ♥

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Thank You

Happy Thanksgiving.

I don’t say this to the people who gave birth to me, my child, or the fact that I was fortunate enough to wake up.

I wish this to all the people who have hurt, betrayed, and destroyed me. This may sound strange or narcissistic but it’s true.

It sounds crazy. I know but think about it. If your life was all roses then you would take everything for granted. You would feel entitled to a pay raise or the last bottle of water. You wouldn’t know pain or suffering.

In life, we need the pain, suffering, and hardships. We need to hit rock bottom. We need to cry, scream, stress, and vent.

We need it.

It makes us tick. It makes us who we are. The hurt makes us stronger…as overwhelming as it gets we make it work. It is in our DNA to fight, to become better, stronger, and wiser. We live to prove the naysayers wrong.

To the person who told me I was not pretty enough…

Thank you

To the person who told me I was getting bigger and bigger everytime they saw me…

Thank you

The guys who lied to my face and cheated…

Thank you

To my father who destroys me every second of every day once given a chance…

Thank you

The people who said I wasn’t good, smart, and talented enough…

Thank you

And the people who said I should just kill myself.. the haters as you would say…

Thank you

It’s easy to get lost in the pain but if you let it consume you. However, if you take the pain and use it to your advantage then in my eyes your a survivor.

No one loves you better than you.

Remember that.

Thanks for reading.

~Aie~

 

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Faithful and True

Can I be angry…
Do I have that right?
The fact that I did fight…
For us…for love with all my might.

Faithful and true,
I never gave up on you.
I was a call…a text away.
Still that wasn’t enough to make you stay.

Lonely heart…wondering mind
Was I not one of a kind?
Faithful and true,
I still never gave up on you.

Loving you like no other…
Thinking it would be forever,
Cast away as I watched on the side.
Boy, this was a fucked up ride.

Was it not enough?
Was I not enough?
Hiding my tears…
Trying to be tough…
For someone who couldn’t appreciate me enough.

He couldn’t see me.
The real me.
The fact that I was a worthy trophy.
A prize worth keeping…
Now I sit here weeping..
Faithful and true
Learning to live without you.

I love you
Lie.
It’s always been you.
Lie.
This is forever.
Lie.

You cut me with your words,
Sharp as swords.
Lies, lies, and more lies
Told to my eyes
The ones that looked at you pained
With nothing to gain
But a broken heart
And countless hours spent apart.

As I swallowed the truth,
Learning to keep mute,
Because my feelings meant nothing
To the man always searching
for something more
Rocking me to my core.
Faithful and true,
I really did love you.

Stating I had no time
For the guy I made mine
Too many rules and regulations
Broken dates…too many stipulations.

I never lead you on under false pretenses,
Gave you enough time to come to your senses.
And as I begged and plead,
For you to look at me…
You couldn’t
Because you only saw she.
Faithful and true,
Making it without you.

Now I am gone,
Because I did no wrong.
Maybe I’ve gone crazy,
Talking to the voices inside of me

Laughing because I’m free,
From the guy who was not worthy of me.
Pushed into the arms of another,
A new love that will last forever

Signed,

Faithful and true.
No longer angry..
No longer loving you…

Rules of Society

Have you ever realized that we hold ourselves trapped to there standards that society has set for us? Sometimes we do this without question. Other times we bend to fit in with the people that surround us.

Boys aren’t allowed to wear pink and girls can’t play with trucks. We live in a world were being different is judged upon. We grow up learning the bible then cast it away when times get hard.

Men feel that it is okay to steal, kill, and fight. While females change their appearance more times than they change their clothes. (no offense) Their hair isn’t long enough so they add weave and it becomes part of them. Breasts aren’t full enough so they enhance it. Ass too flat…Well there you go. Buns of air.

Not trying to judge but if we lived in a world where everyone was accepted for who they were then I think the world maybe a better place. There would be no wars and no jealousy. Instead of being happy, we tear each other down to feel a little bit of self worth.

I know you might be reading this and thinking, “Not me.” I must chuckle to those of you who are doing this. How many times have you changed your outfit because it wasn’t fly enough? How many times have you laughed when someone fell or walked pass someone on the street who has nothing?

Just like animals we are classed based on our worth.

Below Average

Average

Above Average

We develop this mentality in which the amount of money you have defines who we are.

Broke

Barely Making It

Rich

When in reality we are no better than the person sleeping on the bench because they got evicted from their place. If we think about it, our mentality is the reason why the world is turning into the place it is now.

There is no more peace or security. We live in a world where fear controls us. The fear they instill in us is what keeps us in line. Fear of dying sends us to the doctor. Fear of not amounting to anything sends us to school. Fear of being different…not a good enough skin color dictates how we act, speak, and think.

You have to wonder how many mothers gave birth to their child praying for a lighter skin color or for a gender that will be able to make it. We pray that our boy child will make it to see their 16th birthday and then to the 18th. We pray they don’t join a gang or fall victim to gang violence as an innocent bystander.

We push our daughters to be they best they can because men rule the world. We want them to climb the corporate ladder but don’t want them to lose their self worth. The jewel they hold between their legs is precious yet still they use it to get places. To get to the top. We pray that they don’t get pregnant before they graduate high school. In some cases we pray for junior high. Where did we go wrong and fail our children?

As humans we adapt to survive. We change to make it in the world today. Each generation is getting worse than the last one. This is because it no longer takes a village to raise a child. Society controls everything we do. Material items are more important than a human life. Letters, landlines, family dinners became a thing of past. Technology rules the world.

To survive we adapt. We adapt to survive.

If you want to see the change then be the change. To the person sleeping on the bench in the park I’ll give you a blanket. To the child crying because they are hungry, I’ll buy you food. To the person that has nothing left to lose, don’t.

We may not know what our path in life is but the good thing about it will be that it gives us an opportunity to better. Be better than technology and society. No more judgement.

Please.

Just because the world seems to be becoming more cruel doesn’t meant that you have to.

Be the change that you want to see.

~Aie~

Risk of Loving Him

There is a risk to loving him but I love him anyway. To love him means another will be hurt but I love him anyway.

I love him.

I said it. I’ve been honest with myself. I’ve been honest with you.

I love him.

There is still a risk because people will not understand. People will judge. We will be called names. We will be hurt. They will shake their heads at us and backs will turn.

I will still love him.

I loved him in front his face. I loved him from a distance. I loved him as a friend. I loved him as a brother. I just love him.

I tried not to because it was wrong. Too may feelings were involved. Too many people would be hurt. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. How could I? I knew what hurt was. How could I instill that kind of pain to someone because I was selfish and loved another?

I don’t know how it happened. It just did. I thought if I had buried the feelings down deep enough that they would go away but the funny thing about love is that it doesn’t go away. It grows. It consumes you. You’re unable to think or breathe once you give in.

I gave in…

For years I ignored my feelings. Now, I allowed the feelings to come back. They came back tenfold. It was like a dam broke and the flooding began.

His smile. His laugh. His eyes. Everything about him I loved. He is perfect.

Perfect.

I once had someone tell me that I was perfect and could do no wrong. I couldn’t understand the concept until I met him. This guy. This one guy who cripples me with a look…a smile…a touch.

I understand now. I am in love.

LOVE…

This is what love feels like. It is selfless. He selflessly loves me. He would do anything for me and I for him.

Each times our paths crossed we went the different way because it was safer. It was the right thing to do. For years we did this. We watched each other fall in love and get broken. We sat and watched the good, the bad, and the ugly. Selflessly, we tried to help each other out. Tried to make each others relationships work when in reality we wanted each other but could never say it. We knew that they wouldn’t work because we were soulmates fighting our destiny.

Now our paths crossed again…

As I look at him, he looks at me. This is wrong. We both knew. The timing is bad. We both knew. The feelings are there. The love is there. Do we risk it all? A friendship like no other for our selfish wants…needs…desires. A chance for true happiness. A chance at love…something I stopped believing existed.

He takes my hand and our fingers link. His touch sends a spark throughout my body and I feel alive. The darkness torturing me lifts and I see my future. It’s bright and happy. There is no fears with him. There is no insecurity. There is no jealously. Its just us. Standing there looking at each other with our hands linked.

His eyes are pained and my heart aches. I tell him I’m sorry. He doesn’t know how sorry I am. The risk of us making this real…losing a friend…losing a lot of friends….the backlash. We don’t want this person to hurt but we know us loving each other may destroy him.

The tears that stream down my face are real. There are no words to describe this feeling as we decide not to take the risk because the outcome is to great. Too many variables. He’s letting me go…and my heart cracks.

Our fingers slip away from each other one by one and my heart breaks more. He can’t look at me because its too painful, saying goodbye. He loves me but can’t be with me. I love him and can’t be with him.

As his hand slips away from mines I stop breathing because the darkness slams into me tenfold. I can’t think. I can’t feel. I’m numb. I’ve died while breathing.

So…

I wait…

I wait for him to turn around and come back to me.

He keeps walking…

Tears are falling uncontrollably and I still wait for him to come back.

He keeps walking…

I wring my fingers together and I pray for him to just look back at me so that I could see maybe there is a chance.

He’s gone.

I’m gone.

I’m alone.

I wait.

Hours passed…

I waited.

And

I waited.

 

He came back!!!

He takes my hand and I watch him. This must be a dream because I’m looking at his hand…waiting. Waiting for him to say something…anything.

Let’s take the risk.

I must have stopped breathing because he asking if I’m okay. I can’t talk. I can’t breathe. I feel light.

I love you. You are mine.

I smile and lean into him. I still can’t speak. I can only cry into his chest. He rests his chin on the top of my head and my cries turns to sobs. I can’t help it.

I am his.

I was worth the risk.

He loves me…the real me.

Its over.

Finally…

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Mistakes in Love

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I believed in this saying for so long it basically pushed me through every bad situation that I was in. Every situation in which I said,

I love you…

Sometimes love is not patient and kind. Sometimes it is envious and rude. Sometimes love fails or do you fail love?

Love is not easy to come by and not easy to keep. You have to fight for it constantly. Never let the spark die out. Relish in the little moments and life through the big ones.

We all make mistakes. Some of them hurts more than others but it is a mistake nonetheless. Sometimes the simple saying of…

I’m sorry

…doesn’t cut it because the hurt runs down that deep. It scars you and you cannot look past the pain to see how truly sorry that individual is. Or maybe it’s an act of control. Why not have your cake and eat it too?

We love because it is what we learned. We all want love and to be loved, to be safe and secure.

But at what cost does that love come with? To love someone you can never be with. To see the person who blessed you with the true purity of love and watch them slip through your fingers in a series of unfortunate events.

The purest love is selfless love. Giving up the person of your desire so others are protected…and sadly you watch from a distance with a broken heart as the person who completes you fades away. Always watching from a distance, loving you, still protecting you.

This is  selfless…pure…honest…true love.

In letting go of someone whose loved like this, you basically killed yourself. You died but you’re still breathing.

It maybe the biggest mistake you’ll make but it was selfless. You’ll regret it but you’ll make it…their happiness was more important and that will give you peace of mind.

Sometimes love fails….

…However in reality it didn’t…

…Because…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Love is selfless…

Goodbye

Thursday, November 12, 2015

On Thursday, November 12, 2015 I attempted my 2nd suicide and failed. The question asked is what would drive a person to such extremes. My answer is I have no idea.

If you think this is cry for attention, I assure you that it is not. I think that some people are born with a darkness inside of them or maybe that their innocence was stolen at a young age.

Maybe I was born this way or maybe in reality someone or something stole my innocence but for as long as I remember I always felt like I was surrounded by a darkness. This darkness cripples me and I feel like I’m suffocating. It hurts to be me. I feel numb to the outside world and at this point I live just to please others.

Someone told me that I was too busy for them but they never asked why. I don’t know if I would have told him the truth but to keep busy keeps the darkness out. Maybe in those moments where I work relentlessly and become completely unavailable is when I’m dying repeatedly. Choking on that darkness that swallows me whole.

Ever since I was in second grade, maybe younger, I’ve felt like this. I thought about killing myself. I have no idea why. I can’t remember what happened or what triggered it but I know it has always been there. On Thursday, it felt like I was underwater and drowning. The feeling was so overwhelming that I needed it to end at any cost, too feel free.

I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to. I have asthma so I was fully aware of what was happening but I was so tired that I didn’t want to stop it. I just allowed it to progress to the point where I felt everything slowly shut down. My hands started to tingle and my body started to go numb. It was at that moment that I let go and I felt myself falling when I felt like I was free.

Freedom. Peace of mind. Happiness. Relief. I felt it all. I wasn’t afraid. I was the exact opposite. I was elated. Finally, the darkness that I felt was gone and I would be able to sleep without fear. Granted I wouldn’t wake up again. I know its not funny but I did get a chuckle out of that.

Why am I still here?

Well, someone saved me. Obviously. Ironic that the person who saved me would be the person who broke me in a sense. I still love him though.

Have I forgiven him?

Yes.

Will I ever feel good enough for him?

No.

When the darkness takes control of the person you are, you have two choices. You either give in or fight. I gave in. I’ll continue to give in because when you fight as long as I’ve fought then after a while you just accept defeat.

Pandora’s Box and Masks

I cannot say that I am fine because that would be a lie. I want to reach a point where I can say that I’m okay. It’s not like I have a lot of people to talk to. I’m not antisocial but due to severe trust issues, it gets hard for me to just speak to people.

I can laugh and smile with you. We can trade numbers but don’t expect a call from me because that isn’t me. I only have four close friends. I know it’s a lot. (Insert chuckle here) Even though I have four amazing individuals who care tremendously about me (I hope), I still cannot open up myself to them.

So here I am writing to the world because the world may probably never see this. Its easier for me to vent, scream, and yell this way because writing makes it better. I don’t have to look at you and see the judgement on your face when I talk. Don’t we all hate being judged?

I have this thing where I have a box that I keep in the back of my mind. In this very special box, I tuck away everything I cannot say out loud. I call this box Pandora because the secrets and feelings that I have hidden away should never come out.  When everything becomes too much I throw it in there and sometimes against my deepest desire this box opens. When this box opens it is truly madness.

Every hurtful thing that I have hidden, that I have suppressed hits me like a ton of bricks. I can’t breathe. Its suffocating. The amount of emotional and mental pain that someone can handle it honestly amazing. But when does enough become enough?

I am not crazy or mental. I am human. I have feelings. I’ve been hurt. I’ve cried. I have my ways of dealing with things. As unhealthy as it seems, its okay. It’s how I survive. However, when the pain gets too great and that box isn’t big enough, I feel like life won.

I’m spiraling out of control in a sense. No worries, I won’t hurt anyone. I’m just at a place where I trust no one, not even myself. I’m at a point where I feel like my life has no value. Its like you fight so hard for everything and you’ve finally been defeated. So when you reach this point what do you do?

I have no idea but I know my box is open. I have four friends who I can’t open up to because I am petrified of being judged. When people don’t understand something they label it as crazy or disabled. My thoughts are my own but should I share them or will I be locked away for my own benefit?

I wish I could close this box or pass it on to another person but I can’t. Yes, I hurt. It solely not because of love but because I’ve been dealt a bunch of cards that I don’t know how to play. Yes, I know that other people have it worse than me. However, there are times when that worse day is you.

I go to work, I smile, I laugh, when deep down I’m sitting in the corner crying. Sometimes I sit in the bathroom to cry then I wash my face and put on that mask that we all wear too well. You guys know this mask I speak of. The one that hides to real you because in this world today, no one will ever really except you for the person you truly are.

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We wear this mask so well that we forget who we are behind it. Although you wear this mask so well, your eyes will always betray you because your eyes are the windows to your soul.

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My eyes would tell you a lot once you can get pass the tears.

Falling

If I told you that with time it gets easier to deal with the abundance of things that I’ve had to dealt with over the last two weeks then it would be a lie.

I think I have cried myself to sleep every night since everything went down. It’s like my heart has literally been stomped on, broken, crushed…whatever. I cannot explain this feeling that I have. This feeling is eating me alive. I have had nightmares every single night. Food and sleep is nonexistent.

I never use to fear falling in love. I am in love with many things in this world. I love animals. I love going to the beach. I love sunsets. I love a lot of things. What I do fear, however, is falling so deeply in love with someone and investing my life into theirs only to discover that they do not feel the same about me.

To me, that is how you die while still breathing and you can never recover from that no matter how hard you try. The scariest part about that is you’re never going to know if you’re falling for the wrong person.

I died while breathing and I honestly don’t think that I will ever recover. The pain of dealing with all these emotions is unbearable.

I hate to look in the mirror because I’m hating the person I’m turning into. There is no more joy, smiles, or laughter. I’ve thrown myself into work so I won’t have to think about what’s going on through my head. Unfortunately, when I come home everything hits me like a ton of bricks. I can’t breathe, the room spins, and I die all over again.

How do you forgive? He asks to be forgiven but I don’t know how. When I see him, I see her. When he looks at me I don’t see that look he use to give me. It was a look that basically said I was his and he loved me. When he looks at me now, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do. Five years meant nothing. I think about everything he told me and it’s stuck in my head on repeat like a 70’s song.

I wasn’t good enough.

I didn’t spend enough time with him. 

He couldn’t talk to me. He didn’t know how. 

I had more time for my friends than him. 

My life was too busy. 

He didn’t want to force me to be with him. 

I look in the mirror and I see the shell of the person I use to be. It’s like everything that I worked hard for means nothing. I didn’t get my dream job. I couldn’t and can’t afford a place to live. I wasn’t good enough for him. Now, I’m waiting for biopsy reports. Literally within 48 hours, my perfect world became extinct.

Now I’m sitting at rock bottom and the only place left to go is up. From where I’m sitting, up looks like its a far ways to go. I don’t think I have it in me to get up and start over.

Its like my body doesn’t know if I’m going through depression or having a bipolar episode. To erase the pain, I either want to take pain pills or just start cutting myself again.

What I feel is dangerous.

What I feel, I don’t want to feel anymore.

I really don’t want to feel anything anymore.

I just want to close my eyes and never wake up.