Serenade

I love music and I love to sing.

When no one is looking or even listening, I like to belt out notes randomly out of the blue. When I’m silly my voice will crack and I’ll look around to see if anyone heard me. Of course when I do this no one is around so I don’t have to worry. However, if I am an emotional wreck the notes that I belt out are just as gut wrenching.

mlnrYjWI’ve sung in the choir growing up. I was always able to hit all the notes and go the ranges. I sang, danced, and acted. In rehearsal I would kill it but when I got in front that audience my flame would go out. I had the worse stage fright. I still do but I am slowly breaking out of it.

I’ve never danced in front of people before. I tried it one time and I got so scared I messed up terribly. I’ve never sung in front on anyone before intimately. I’ve goofed off a lot but never took it serious.

Sometimes when I’m with my significant other, I would look at him and think,”How did I get here?” or “How did I get so lucky?” or even “I’m so grateful that I took a chance and said yes.” Then because of the mood and the emotional way I’m feeling, I would look at him and sing. My voice doesn’t crack. I’m not scared or shy. I’m hitting the right notes. I know I’m doing a good job because I’ll get goosebumps or he’ll run.

He doesn’t hate when I do it…at least I don’t think so. I think that he is simply getting  really emotional and he doesn’t want me to see him cry. He says he doesn’t like it but I enjoy doing it. I’ve probably done it to him three times already and each in event he disappears.

I mean at first my feelings were hurt but then I realized he just doesn’t know how to react to it. I don’t know if I’m the first person whose done it to him but I do know I’m amused now when it happens. He’s definitely the first guy I’ve went to sing love songs too. The only person I’ve sang to and pushed away that stage fright fear.

I like it.

I’m singing to him on our wedding day. He just doesn’t know it yet and he won’t be able to run then. 🙂

Long story short: When find the right person you can get over any fear.

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Kaleidoscope

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I am a kaleidoscope,
Always changing my appearance.
Maybe you think you’ve seen the real me,
But that claim is false.
Until I wish for you to know my secrets,
Turn your prying glances away.
Again I change,
Slipping from one facade to another,
Hoping to keep my true self
Intact and untainted by the world.

For if that singular true form surfaces,
That which I shield shall shatter.
If my soul breaks into shards,
Never will it be whole again.
Great as my hope may be
For this is not come to pass,
All I can do at the moment is wait.
Centuries come and millennia go-
Eternally I am but a shifting face.

Walls

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It’s hard to break down your walls and let people in. It’s even harder when people hurt you when  your walls are down. I’m struggling to find that balance once again. Part of me is hurting and the other part just wants to put back up that wall. Seal off all the exits so that no one can get in. I know I can’t do that but its my defense mechanism.

I keep making the mistakes and asking for forgiveness. The only logical thing is to just stop making mistakes but how do you erase something that’s conditioned? It is said that time heals all wounds but sometimes that’s not the case. With time, I find that I’m only getting worse…

He Said

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He said he wasn’t in love with me.

Tell me,

Your words…

Do they haunt me…

Those characters within you and me,

Closer than they will ever be.

That touch of human grace,

Those feelings lovers show each other,

Do they all mean something?

Or are they just necessary.

Cause I don’t believe in them,

Nor they in me.

Did I just lose your faith…

Or is it just me?

That face of innocence,

Knowing nothing…

And I who gave everything,

Those expectations who were answered with reality

Were my real expectations.

Let the soft parade begin,

Because I do not think I really still care.

Tomorrow starts a new day,

Only…

You are not in it.

Now tell me,

Your words…

Do you still think they haunt me?

(Your words do not…your face will…forever)

Crossing the Finish Line…

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It is around this time of year when I start to feel nostalgic. You see, three years ago I was pregnant. My baby would have been two today. Girl or boy, it wouldn’t have mattered. I would have loved them to the end of the world.

I remember the shock and joy of finding the news. I remember waiting for the ultrasound with a full bladder and then seeing my baby for the first time on the monitor. The connection I felt was instant. My little gummy bear was safe and sound, happily growing inside me. Every day of morning sickness and pain was well worth it. The end result would have been so amazing.

I’ve learned that with joy comes pain. The pain of losing a child. Never seeing them grow or feeling them kick. Wishing that you could hear them take that first breath. Blaming yourself for not being a strong enough person to carry that child all the way.

December 6th 2010
Six weeks

March 9th 2013
Six weeks, One day

The days my babies slipped away from me. The days I will never forget. The days where I write and burn a letter to my babies then let the candle burn to nothing. I carry the guilt with me everyday. They say it gets easier with time but I need so much more time to get over it. I still cry when I see newborn babies. Sometimes I absentmindedly touch my stomach or I fight the urge not to cry when my son asks me for siblings. The emptiness that you feel inside never really goes away.

I was told I should be grateful because at least I have one child. What happened to the other two that I failed? Sometimes I feel bad for loving them more than my son. Is it bad that I do that? I’m grateful for my son but I wish…desperately…that I crossed the finished line with them. My son has his flaws but he turned out amazing. I wanted the same for them as well.

So I sit…with my hands wrapped around my stomach and beg for forgiveness, beg for another chance.

I can’t live with this kind of guilt and pain. 
I promise I’ll do better.
Please, give me back my babies.

Turn back time.
I’ll work harder.
I’ll be good.
I’ll protect them.
I promise.

Please give me another chance….

I’ve begged and pleaded and cried. The pain from a loss you’ll never forget. It haunts you. It weighs you down. Yes, they are in a better place but why so soon? Why wasn’t I strong enough? I should have been.

The fear of loss keeps me from having more children but I desperately want another child.  I know it won’t fill the void that I feel inside but I want to have a baby. I want to have a baby with someone who loves me and them. I want a strong support system for “our” child.

Until then I’ll continue to live in this fantasy world I’ve created with my children. In reality, I’ll smile every day when my heart is screaming,

Give me back my baby.”
 

To Be Continued
With

Eight More Days…

Day by Day

Smiles go unreturned
The blush fades from my face
No more lovesick swooning
Only memories I can’t erase

No more hearts by your name
No more tears to cry
I’ll burn the pictures in the fire
Let the ashes fly

You’ve finally left my dreams
But I can’t sleep in peace
I’m still mending my broken heart
Piece by shattered piece

I’ve gotten rid of the collection
Thrown out all your things
Your umbrella’s in the trash can
Who cares if it should rain?

Ripped off the calendar
Those circle dates are gone
I don’t care if it’s your birthday
Not gonna be your mindless pawn

I’m completely over you
Or so I’d like to think
So no more sappy love letters
I’ve thrown away the ink

So just walk on by
I’ll swallow the things I want to say
Until my heart is whole again
I’ll wait, day by day

heart

If I Never…

If I never see you again…

Know that your smile is my guiding light
Your laughter is a sweet melody
That echoes through my mind.

Know that your touch warms my soul
That your love is the key to my heart

That without you, no day is meaningful
That your voice brings hope to my life.

Know that seeing you brings a thousand words to my mind
Thoughts I can never even begin to describe

That with every breath I take
I’m thinking of you

And if I never see you again,
Know that…

I Love You.

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Pins

A pin drops…

It shines on the distant floor
Like water,
But it makes no sound.

I have dropped
Ten thousand such pins,
While I’ve waited
For you to speak to me.

When I walk away,
Finally,
It’s over this carpet of such pins.

Tiny blades that scar my soles,
And we part
In silence…

broken friendship