It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Let’s be honest. It’s been almost two years, who am I fooling? In two years a lot has changed. I’m married. I still have one child. He’s ten now and is hurdling into the sixth grade. My husband works for the government and I’m currently on summer vacation from work. I happen to be a teacher/paraprofessional/substitute. I wear many hats at my school…or I use to until summer vacation. I also use to think that I was a social butterfly but I quickly learned that I was not.
A social butterfly is a slang term for a person who is socially dynamic, networking, charismatic, and personally gregarious. This is the person that I was. I grew up being a social butterfly among friends and family. However, when I was alone and by myself, I turned into the most quiet and depressed person. As the years went by, I continued to be outgoing and social in the public eye. Now I’m sitting here lost because I am alone.
I have nothing to do during the summer. You can only clean and cook but so much. My son is off at camp and my husband is at work. I remember growing up that I worked two or three jobs. I use to think it was because I needed money to survive but as I sit here I realize its not. I worked so much and kept myself so busy because I didn’t know how to be alone.
I don’t think I love myself as much as I put off. My husband sees this and he tells me he loves me regardless. He wants me to not stress and take on an over bearing workload. He’s there for a reason and I suppose that’s true. He wants me to find myself and fall in love with the person he fell in love with. Easier said than done. I have no idea where to begin. Back home I had tons of friends and beaches. I had so many different outlets and in the states I zilch.
Do you guys know that I have never went to the movies by myself or taken a walk or even gone to the mall for fun? If it wasn’t with someone else then it didn’t happen. I guess I still have a lot to learn about myself. I do know that sometimes being me is lonely. I guess this is the summer that I try and find out who I am. I have more than enough time.
Wish me luck…