Heartbeat

It’s hard to focus on planning a wedding when I’m wondering if I’m going to make it to even see myself walk down the aisle. What started as a simple doctor’s appointment to find out about a chest cold ended up in me finding out that I have a heart problem.

What’s worse is that they cannot tell me what’s wrong. I’ve had two EKG’s done and a chest x-ray. They cannot tell me anything except that something is wrong. It scared me that the nurses openly talked about my results like I was not in the same room with them.  Things said like…

“Is this right?”

“I’ll run it again.”

“I’ve done this test three times…Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, You’re doing it correct. Something is wrong with her heart.”

After that I have to deal with questions that makes me wonder if the warning signs were always there.

“Do you have shortness of breath?”

“Do you have chest pains or heart palpitations?”

“Do you suffer from fatigue?”

“How long have you suffered from this?”

“Do you have a living will?”

The questions kept coming and coming. After a while I checked out. I mean can you blame me? So I’m sitting here thinking and wondering what happens after the next test? Do I panic when I get chest pains? What happens if I get dizzy in the middle of teaching my class again? Do I freak out when I blow my nose and its only blood?

There are a lot of what ifs and not enough answers. I’d like to think that there is nothing wrong with my heart. I just have a really big one. The one where I’m always there to help my friends. The kind of heart that never stops loving. One that loves to cook and feed the world.

If anything my heart is bursting with love that I haven’t been able to share yet….lives I haven’t been able to touch.

© Hikari Aie

Open/Closed

She closed herself off

From happiness

And love

He was the key

That unlocked the door
To show her love

And happiness

Still exists

However…

When the door 

To the plane closed

With him on the other side

How could she remain happy

When they faced their 

Greatest enemy yet…

“Distance”

– Hikari Aie

For Me

If you could love me
For me…
Would you?
Would you love all
The good things about me
Like my…
Laugh
Smile
Eyes
The silly things I say
Selflessness
My snoring
Snort
My excitement for bubbles
And don’t forget butterflies

If you could love me
For me…
Would you?
Would you love all
The bad things about me
Like my…
Depression
Anxiety
Fear of PDA
Mood swings that lasts for days
Attitude
Stubbornness
Insecurities
My crippling sense of fear…

If you could love me
For me…
Would you?
Would you love me…
Could you love…
The good
&
The bad
?

Hikari Aie

 

Moving On 101 – Day 3

Hey Guys,

I’m on day three of this journey to move on. I’m not only trying to get over the drastic break up but I’m trying to find myself again and figure out what makes me happy. I guess I’m trying to find my self-worth.

A strange turn of events happened last night. I went out my with ex’s mom. It was nerve-wracking but I really enjoyed myself. I missed being able to talk to someone and she is mom away from home. Having an open line of communication meant a lot for me. At the end of the day I really didn’t have no reason to be scared. She didn’t hate me. She still loves me and I think that she is hoping that possibly there is one day when her son and myself will get back together.

Also, I came to the conclusion that I have abandonment issues with good cause. I am the way that I am because of what happened to me when I was a child. When I was younger, my dad and I was playing a game in the yard. I threw the ball out the gate and it rolled down the street. My dad chased after the ball promising that he would be back and that was the last time I saw him. A couple of days after I had an asthma attack and my mother took me to the hospital. I was waiting in the emergency room waiting for my name to be called when she said that she loved me no matter what. My mom kissed me and left. That was the last time I saw my mom. After that, I became a ward of the state.

It’s interesting because I never know that my issues went that deep. I figured it was just because I was hurt that my ex cheated on me like the rest. They only came up because I was talking to my significant other. I confessed to him that going through everything is hard. No matter how perfect I was every guy I dated found something wrong with me and left. Being broken up with would have been more graceful. They all cheated. All long term. All cheated. The longest being five years took its toll because I was truly in love with him. A first love kind of love.

I tried to rationalize in my head all the time as to what is really wrong with me. Everyone I loved left. The person who I really loved found someone better. At this point I keep thinking that something must be wrong with me. Our discussion went back and forth on this topic. I let him to see the real me. It was hard. I could see that he wanted to interrupt but he was nervous that if he did that I would stop talking. If he did, I probably would have stopped. In that moment with him I was feeling so much pain. A lot of truths came to light. A lot of things were said.

For the first time in a long while, someone listened to me. His response was that he loves me for me. I didn’t have to be perfect for him. He didn’t love me because I was perfect but because I wasn’t. He didn’t care about my upbringing but he now knows a little bit more about me.

Moving on is hard. Trying to figure out how to do it is kind of harder. I’m uncovering a lot of truths that I don’t know if I’m ready to handle all at once…But what I can say is that I’m making progress slowly.

At the end of it, I’m doing a little bit better today than I was yesterday.

© Hikari Aie

Day Six: The Hospital

Last time we spoke I covered that I ended up going to the hospital. The thing about our hospital is that the staff is rude and uncaring. They will make you wait hours before you can see the doctor and if your insurance isn’t good enough then you might as well have stayed home.

I hated going to the hospital but this is where I needed to go. I reached the hospital around three or four that afternoon. I didn’t see the triage nurse to get checked in until nine in the evening. After that there was another long wait to see the doctor. I personally feel that that the worse part of waiting to be seen is simply waiting. It’s the wait that really gets to you.

My boyfriend notified my parents that I was in the hospital. At that time, my father disliked him so much that he never came to the hospital to check on me. In fact, my father thought the whole situation was made up and called the hospital to see if I as actually admitted. My dad didn’t allow my mom to come to the hospital either. My father is all about control and punishment. My father never like anyone that I dated. Possibly because I dated someone who abused me for almost a year. Honestly, I don’t think he ever forgave me for that. So every boy after was already doomed. Looking back at it now, I really wished my mother fought for me. I wished my parents were there but my dad’s catering business came before my health.

When I was finally called to the back, they told me that they needed to do lab. I hate needles. I really do. I remember the sinking feeling in my gut when the nurses kept coming back to draw more blood. My boyfriend sat on the other side of the room and watched. He cracked a joke here and there to get my mind off of it. I don’t think he ever got up to really hold my hand. He simply just stood off to the side and just played on his phone.

He was affectionate in his own way but not the way that I needed him to be at that present time. Maybe I was asking for too much. I just got the feeling that he really was uncomfortable and that there was a million things he could have done other than be there. Part of me thought that he probably figure I was making it up like everyone else.

I remember the nauseating feeling that overcame me when the nurse made a mistake while drawing my blood. He kept telling me to look at at him while she went through the process but I couldn’t focus because I could feel the blood running down my arm. I saw the blood pool on the bed and the stain on my clothes. I was scared.

I was scared because I had never been so sick before. I didn’t know the underlying cause and I hated when I actually started to say something in the beginning that everyone told me it was nothing. I believed it was nothing. I actually convinced myself it was stress or working too hard.

Now, here I am sitting in the emergency room waiting for the doctor to give me my results.  He said my kidneys were infected. I had an infection that went unchecked for so long that it started to spread to other parts of my body. My pressure was high as well. High enough where strokes and heart attacks where knocking right around the corner. My head was pounding and I was so cold. Of course, after a while I stopped listening to what he said. I wasn’t trying to be dramatic but I just didn’t understand how everything had gotten to this point.

The treatment was several rounds of antibiotics from a drip mixed with morphine for the pain. I didn’t know how I knew at the time, but before I fell asleep I remember thinking “What’s going to happen to my baby?”

To Be Continued…

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Seven Days Left – The Beginning

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Day Five: The Aftermath

Open Up

It’s interesting when someones states talk to me and when the time comes for you to actually release the pent up frustration…you can’t. You can’t because what you say will affect them. How do you talk to someone and not fear the backlash?

Its hard…so hard for me to just open up. With this in mind, I’ll sit and take it. Everyone I can confide in scolds me somehow. When I finally open up, I don’t do it with the intention to hurt anyone. I still censor what I say but apparently, I’m being told I need to move on or grow up. Venting or saying what is on my mind is a big no no.

How do I move on if I can’t talk about what weighs me down? If I’m hurting, why do I have to grow up. How is that immature? If I stay quiet, I’m wrong. If I speak, I’m hurting people. If I keep it locked up, I’m killing myself. It feels like I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place.

I don’t want to be judged but I don’t want to keep it all in either.

So tough luck right?

Mask

She looks in the mirror but it’s not her she sees,

In her place is who she pretends to be.

No one knows of the mask she wears,

The mask that hides the burdens she bears

We all would help but nothing seems wrong,

She has worn her mask so very long.

Then one day the truth is clear,

Her whole life was lived in fear.

Now they know and the mask is gone,

The mask she wore so very long.

masked_by_jaycrewsphotography