September 18th 2016

For the last five years, I’ve celebrated my anniversary on this day. This is the first year that I won’t be celebrating anything. Today would have made it six years officially with my ex. How do I feel?

I feel sad because I gave five years and something months to someone who I cared deeply for. I trusted him with everything and in return he hurt me. He embarrassed me in front people, took advantage of me, and used my kindness against me. When I try to focus on the good times with him or when I say it wasn’t all bad, I think about the fight that either happened before or after that good time. I think about our kids that never got the chance to take a first breath.

Even though we’ve separated, I still defend him. I guess its the part of me that still see’s the good in everyone. I don’t think I would have even remembered what today was if it wasn’t for Facebook memories. Talk about a sucker punch.

I think about him less and less now. Sometimes my mind wonders on him and that’s okay. Just because it ended badly doesn’t mean I have to erase him completely out of my life. What happened is done and gone. The only thing I can do know is learn and move on. I promised myself that I would never stay in a relationship was was damaging for me. I would know my worth and value myself. I don’t need a significant other to valid who I am as a person. I can do bad all by myself.

It’s hard to get out of a bad thing once you’ve committed. Some of us stay in a bad relationship because we’ve put so much of our time and money into to it that we can’t let it go. Others stay because they feel obligated to that person. In some cases, we stay because we don’t want to be alone or start over in the dating world. Most times we don’t know how to start over.

A relationship shouldn’t destroy you. It shouldn’t make you cry. You shouldn’t wake up and wonder if today is the day that they will look at you like you are their world again. It shouldn’t.

“If you have to get out of bed to speak to your best friend, you’ve married the wrong person…”

I did this on and off with my best friend for my whole relationship. I didn’t even realize that I developed feelings for him until one morning I woke up tired of crying. I knew my boyfriend was cheating and didn’t want to do anything with me. I decided at that moment that I couldn’t do it anymore. Having him in my life mainly because my of my son didn’t do anyone any justice. It didn’t matter if my feelings were reciprocated by my best friend or not. I choose me. I thought it was a selfish choice but I’m happier now than I’ve been in years. My son is thriving as well.

Now on September 18th wake up to messages like this:

{12:36 am}
Fiancé, you’re beautiful inside and out and I’m not going to ruin a beautiful soul like yours. You’ve been through enough and I know because I’ve been around for most of it. I love you. I love your smile. Even when you don’t want to and you do it just for me. I love your laughs that turn into snorts. I love how much you care about me. You always put me first no matter what and I’ve never really had that before.  I love how you try to keep me on my toes although at the end of the day I always know what you’re going to do before you do it. I love your kisses and I love your hugs. I could use one of your hugs right now.

Nothing I say can erase the past,  but it has been a while since I’ve told you (in the detail that you love) exactly what you mean to me. You deserve so much goodness. It’s mostly going to come from me. 

I love you. I hope you’re having sweet dreams. 

When I get off work I see messages like this:

{9:41 pm}
Your’re an amazing fiance indeed. It’s a shame that you were not taken care of the way you should have been. 

You’re finally in a good relationship where what you give is what you get. You’re loved and appreciated. We make people believe in love again. We give them hope. You’re good enough. You will always be enough. Now and forever, I love you.

{10:36 pm}
I’ve realized that yes, there are pretty girls out there, but none of them will ever come close to what you have to offer. Your worth goes beyond outward appearance. Your heart and personality will always trump any “pretty” girl out there. I’ve loved you for so long because no matter what, you always remain lovable through your actions. Thanks for never changing regardless of what you were put through. I love you for who you are and I hope I show you that although there are things  that you can change about yourself, I never want you to change who you are.

I hope work is going by well. I love you.

He’s giving a whole new meaning to September 18th and every other day of the year. If you still haven’t caught on yet and if you’re curious to know…

I am marrying my best friend.

© Hikari Aie

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