Missing…

I’ve been missing for a while.

What’s new?

My grandmother passed….She died at 10 am on May 4th 2016. How am I taking it? Not well. Most day’s I’m doing well…other days I think about how I could have done right by her…been by her side more. I’m quiet and in my thoughts.

May 8th 2016 is going to be my best friend’s birthday. He was murdered four years ago…How am I taking it? Devastated. Losing him…killed me. I can’t even remember the sound of his voice. It’s like I’m losing him all over again.

Why is it that their voices are the first to go away?

I feel like I’m losing my mind in grief but I haven’t cried….I’m talking about the mental breakdown where you bawl until you’re weak. I’ve shed a few tears but there’s a dam locked up inside of me that I can’t unlock.

I’m angry….so angry but what can I do right? I just leave it tucked away inside somewhere. I know I should let it out or scream or shout. I don’t have the time to do it. Not with my schedule. The goals I have in mind takes a lot of work. No rest for the weary.

The busier I am…the less time I have to think. However…when everything stills and the mind wonders…The depression and the thoughts kicks in.

Grief is crazy. No matter how much we accept that death is a part of life, we’ll never be prepared to let them go.

© Hikari Aie

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