I haven’t done one of these in a while. No clue why though. In recent events, I happened to end up at an outing with my ex and his girlfriend. Needless to say when he saw that I was there with my significant other, he left and went to get his. Did it bother me? Yes. I mean who wouldn’t it bother.
I guess seeing him with another person wasn’t something I ever expected to deal with. It’s like it was done to get my attention and it did happen. I felt thrown off my game. It’s easy to say you are over someone when you don’t have to see or interact with them. However, when the time comes and you see each other you’ll get knocked in the gut with a bunch emotions and regret quickly starts to take over.
At the end of the day you have to remember that you are no longer together for a reason. If it was something that could have been fixed then you wouldn’t have been standing around having mental conversations with yourself. You would have been together being happy instead of watching each other with other people.
How did my night end? Well, I picked up a bottle and ran through several of them. I got into a heated debate with my significant other and he made me sit through the night watching my ex. I mean it may sound cruel but I needed it. Its like you don’t believe someone is dead until you see them getting buried. If you get what I mean. Seeing them together and seeing my ex go out of his way to get my attention somehow opened a cut that had barely healed but at the same time it buried him.
If I’m honest with myself I loved him yes but somewhere along the line everything changed and I didn’t want to admit it. I miss the idea of him because I was comfortable. I wanted him to be the one but that wasn’t how I really felt. I wasn’t miserable but I was comfortable. I guess settling so to speak.
Let’s be honest, I would have been gone a long time ago if certain events didn’t occur. I don’t think I was ready to say good bye or move on. I think his cheating was what I really needed to walk away. Even then, I didn’t leave. What I did do was focus on myself more because no one deserves more loyalty than me. When I felt strong enough I left.
I’ve replayed that night over and over in my head, as well as the day after. I was so pissed with my significant other but I realized he didn’t do it out of spite. He did it to help me. He knows I’ve been living in denial. I’m not good at putting up a front. He also knows that I’m extremely happy with him. He did it to help me let go because letting go is something that I struggle with. If I don’t let go I’ll eventually self destruct and he’s helping me work through it. Understanding cannot even compare to this guy. He’s really amazing.
Anyway, we’re slowly getting to the root of why I am the way I am. That’s another story for another day.
Until next time.
© Hikari Aie