Day 17 – Past Life

Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past year. 

My highs and lows of this past year are just what it is…highs and lows. In my eyes, there were more lows than highs. Maybe I’ve overlooked a lot of the highs because the lows were so bad. Let’s start with some of the lows first.

Over the last year my lows happened to be tied into my relationship with my ex and my home life. I don’t think my ex realized how bad my living conditions were emotionally and mentally. Physically it sucked as well. I worked a lot so that I didn’t have to ever go home. I even hid at the public library and his house.

My relationship with my ex was a low. We stopped being there from each other. I don’t think he noticed when he lost me or that his lie destroyed me. The lowest low with him was when he basically told me that I was too busy being a mom was his reason for cheating. He never noticed that I fell back into cutting, drinking, and drugs. I lost myself in loving him.

My lowest point was the break up with my ex. It was ugly and awful. A lot of things were said that can’t be taken back. A lot of his words still affect me to this day. I tried to commit suicide twice. The depression was killing me and I didn’t care if I lived to see tomorrow. I didn’t care about what would happen to my son or who would miss me. Everything became too much for me to handle. With no one to talk to and no friends for me to lean on…Death was more inviting, friendlier.

My highs started late last year. I decided to move and start over. A fresh start where there were no bad memories or situations to haunt me. The best part about moving was that I would be away from my controlling father and for once in my life I would get the opportunity to live and be happy.

Every time my parents left to go to the states was also a high. I no longer had a curfew to keep. I was able to go and come as I please. There were some nights where I would go out to the club but instead of having fun I would stand in a corner and watch people dance. I even ended up going by my boyfriend’s house while he was at work or I just went back home and slept. It was fun to go out but I was already programmed to just enjoy being home which is okay as well.

My favorite high happened to be when I started talking to an old friend late July. It was a friendship that I desperately needed. Talking to him made me feel okay. He saw right through me. He got me to stop drinking, cutting, and doing drugs. He watched stupid movies with me. He comforted me when was I falling apart with my ex. Never let me fall back into old habits.

My favorite high with him was when he spent the night in October and washed dishes with me from 9:00 pm until 11:30 pm. I spent the previous night catering for several different functions. I was exhausted the next day and my parents left me with all the dishes to wash. If it wasn’t for him I would have spent the first week that my parents were away washing dishes and cleaning the house. He made his own wash station and divided the work between us.

When I couldn’t wash anymore dishes he sent me to bed and he finished them no questions asked. I never asked him to help. I just told him that I was too tired to drop him back home and he could spend the night if it was okay. He said it was fine. This was the first time since we met that I looked at him as more than just a friend.

If you told me that we would ended up together today I would have said no way. It’s hard to imagine life now compared to how it was. That’s the thing about life no matter how bad or good things are, it never stops.

© Hikari Aie

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