It’s 1:57 am and I’m awake watching the minutes slip by. Insomnia strikes again I suppose. This is a record for me though. Its been nine months since I had an episode like this.
Nine months puts me back in July of 2015 when I finally started talking to someone. I think at this point I couldn’t take the isolation anymore and I was slipping into a dark place. When I ran into my now spouse it was a simple hi and bye. I never expected him to contact me later to check on me. I never expected to break down while talking to him. I never expected for us to become this dynamic couple.
Funny how life throws things at you that you never expected. It’s 2:26 am and I’m still awake. I’m thinking about all these random things. I’m thinking about him and how I wish that our bed wasn’t empty because he isn’t here. Saturday nights is his night to get out and have fun. As for me, I’m basically a homebody. I realized that today when I went out. I prefer to stay home now and just read a book or watch a movie.
I’m getting accustomed to living within the four walls of my bedroom. The feeling of being trapped isn’t going away and its feels like its getting worse now. Late night thoughts, the inability to sleep, lack of an appetite, and just complete sadness. It sucks.
Nine months is a record though…no insomnia until tonight. I’m even counting the days. Seven more days and then peace of mind…I can breathe and I won’t be rocking back and forth, typing on a computer like i’m losing my mind.
2:40 am – I wish I was spaghetti. I like spaghetti and it tastes so good. It goes with anything. When I was pregnant it was the only thing I wanted to eat. I ate it with everything. I even told my spouse that I wanted to be spaghetti….no…I said, “Babe, I wanna be noodles.” He watched me and walked away shaking his head. He thought I was so silly.
2:43 am – I don’t know if I ever want to have children again. The thought scared me so much that when I had the opportunity to do something to prevent conception I didn’t hesitate in taking it. I know that it can be reversed whenever I’m ready but truth be told…I don’t think I ever want it to be. Plus abstinence does wonders.
2:50 am – Its raining and I’m crying. I must be tired and I should probably sleep but I can’t cause my mind won’t shut down. Who cries because it rains…
2:58 am – He called to hear my voice. He also said to go to bed and he doesn’t understand why I’m so emotional over rain. He laughed. I like it when he laughs. He’s been telling me go to bed all night but I won’t. I’m stubborn. However, if he came home and pulled me to him, making me lay my head on his chest…I’m out. I would be sleeping within seconds. He does it a lot too. I think he does it to shut me up when I’m hyper. His chest has superpowers. Its like the ultra pillow 5000.
2:59 am – Walked around the house. I thought someone was following me and then I realized it was my shadow. I’m really silly like this sometimes. Once again lack of sleep.
3:00 am – I’m rambling. I think I’m going to go to bed.
3:08 am – A small moth attacked my face and in true Aie fashion, I slapped myself. In my defense it nearly went up my nose and I couldn’t risk it. Kill it at all means necessary. Yes, I know. I need to go to sleep.
3:10 am – Have you ever slipped in the shower? Why do we always grab the water like its going to turn into a rope that will help us right ourselves. Every time I see it happen or I hear someone talk about this topic I lose myself in laughter. I laugh until I cry.
3:11 am – I’m going to bed.
I promise you I’m not crazy. These are just Thoughts of an Insomniac
© Hikari Aie