Moving On 101 – Log 7

When you’re hurting its easy to paint the person who hurt you as the bad guy. We over look all the good that they did and focus on the bad. It’s the bad that stands out the most because we were let down, disappointed, and taken advantage of. Its very easy to cast the blame instead of looking at the problem as a whole.

Do I hate my ex-boyfriend?

  • No. I tried to because he hurt me deeply. I still have love for him but its not the way it once was. I have feelings for him as a friend and I think he’s a good person that just wasn’t ready for what I needed.

Do I want to remember him as an awful person?

  • Not at all. He’s funny, kind, caring. He just made some bad choices. I won’t condemn him for it for the rest of his life. Who am I to play judge and jury?

If he was honest from the beginning would things have played out differently?

  • Very differently. I wouldn’t have been as hurt and I would have listened. What made it worse were the lies. It was too much for everything that I was dealing with.

Do I regret leaving?

  • Sometimes. Its not because I’m still madly in love with him but because my son is sad and I don’t like seeing him sad. It was a choice I made for the benefit of me and my son is the one hurting more. He’s afraid that the people he love will leave him. Abandonment issues. I can’t even joke about specific topics anymore.

I was too heated to see things from his point of view. Now that I’m in a different place I can see how there were times I was irrational or times where I shut down.Our second pregnancy was what basically sealed the deal for me. It was when I shut down completely. I felt lonely and isolated. I couldn’t coop nor grieve. It was during that time that we drifted apart and continued drifting. I more or less kept to myself and he hung out with friends.

It became hard for me to just be around him knowing that I was so let down. I wasn’t angry at the time. I was just hurt and I saw through the lies.

Why did I stay? 

  • I stayed because I loved him. As unhappy I was I loved him and I was hoping that one day we would wake up and everything would go back to the way it was. I was holding onto false hope. I stayed for my son because he love him. He was the only father that he knew. No matter if he was there or not he was everything to my son and I didn’t want to take that away from him.

Why did I leave?

  • He believes that I left him for his friend. I left because there was nothing left to fight for. I lost faith in our relationship. I lost faith in him. We became two people in a relationship just coexisting. I got tired of the lies. By the time he admitted the truth it was two years to late. I got tired of fighting and I gave up the battle. I already put back up my wall and I couldn’t trust him. The icing that caused this was going home to an empty house when he said he was extremely sick. This was July 16, 2015. That was when I stopped trying.

Did I ever cheat on him?

  • Never. He believes that I did but I couldn’t. I only had eyes for him. He thinks that he was only a chapter to get to his friend. However, that was wasn’t true. I gave up on our relationship on July 16, 2015. Maybe things would have been different if I confronted him but I was so hurt that nothing he said would have made any sense. I already tried talking and he heard nothing so why continue.

Do I still think of him as a bad guy? 

  • Not anymore. He made a bad call and now everyone is dealing with the aftermath. Honestly, we both made mistakes. We both had issues. We were too wrapped up in ourselves to focus on the other person. I don’t want to destroy him or make him feel like how I was feeling. No one deserves to feel like that. Ever.

Can we be friends?

  • Yes. Even though it was one of the worse emotional break ups that I’ve ever encountered. I can still see us being friends. Will it happen today? I don’t know. I think he’s happier now anyway. Everyone deserves their own slice of happiness.

No one said life would be easy. We face challenges every day. Some more painful than others. In those times, we have to hold onto the good moments or else we’ll lose ourselves in the bad.

I’m doing better today than I was yesterday. For me, this is what matters.

© Hikari Aie 

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