Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life
I suffer from an extreme form of depression and I’m bipolar. I’ve always thought about ending my own life for as long as I can remember. The earliest would be when I was in second or third grade. I was never afraid of death or the idea of dying. There are many times that I’ve tried and failed. As strange as it sounds, in my head, it was comforting to just think about it sometimes.
When I found out I was pregnant after being raped, I lost it. Even though I confessed everything to my parents and I begged them to believe me they didn’t. I know rape is a strong word to use but it happened and it is something that I would never forget because I was still a virgin. Amazing way to lose it right? Sorry for my sarcasm. My father made it harder to wake up every day. I would go to sleep begging for death and wake up more depressed that I was still alive.
When my best friend was murdered after confessing he loved me. The worse part about this is that I never got to tell him how I felt but I know that he knew. Sometimes words don’t need to be said to get something across. However, his death affected me strongly. Living while he couldn’t was hard for me to deal with. I replayed the last time we spoke over and over again. After his funeral, I barely kept it together. I was barely functioning.
I tried to commit suicide after both of these events. The scars still haven’t faded from my attempts. I was in pain and I didn’t want to be anymore. I fight harder to keep everything together.
You can’t sugar coat suicide because it is such a depressing topic. I don’t think there are any memorable moments or any one event that I want to remember but I do. I’m not ashamed of my past or what I did because at the end of each battle I’ve came out stronger than before. I started this page to vent. I also started it to let go of my past and move on.
I’m still fighting depression everyday. It’s not easy but I’m doing better today than I was yesterday.
© Hikari Aie