Moving On 101: Day 7 – Clarity

I have spent the last couple months trying to get over the break up with my ex. It seems like its been an obsession of mines. It went from us calling and texting each other constantly to Facebook stalking. It then went to checking to see when we were last online on messenger. After that we both started dating someone else even though we wanted to be with each other.

Breaking up with someone that you’ve been with for years is truly hard. You know the ins and outs of that person. You know their flaws and you’ve given everything to that person. There is honestly no right way to get over a relationship. It’s going to be hard regardless.

So here I am today…March 17th 2016…writing…about him. I’m not obsessing…just writing. Guess what…

I’m okay. I’ve went through all the stages.

  1. Desperate For Answers
    • The drive to know and understand why this happened. Where did I go wrong? How could I have been better?
  2. Denial
    • Refusal to believe this is true. This isn’t happening. 
  3. Bargaining
    • Willing to do anything to avoid accepting it’s over. Promising that I would do better even though I wasn’t the problem. Taking the entire burden of repairing, maintaining, and sustaining the relationship onto myself when it wasn’t just me.
  4. Relapse
    • Going back to him because the pain was so intolerable. Wanting to try again just to temporarily relieve the agony of withdrawal. I still wore his clothes to bed and showered with his soap. Watched his favorite TV shows and stared at our pictures together. Walking away from five years wasn’t going to be so easy.
  5. Anger
    • At first I was too afraid to connect with my anger. I was already in that downward spiral that evokes fear, dread, embarrassment, and shame. When I finally connected with anger I felt empowered. All the memories of good I was holding onto was cushioning the fact that there was a bad moment connected to it. Being angry provided me with direction and I felt alive in the world that felt so cold, dark, and dead. It reminded me that I deserved so much more.
    • Anger indicates that somewhere within, you are creating enough internal discomfort to help shift your perspective about how the relationship has actually been, and it can compel you to make proactive changes, if you are ready to let it.
  6. Initial Acceptance
    • At this point I’ve surrendered. I was dealing with the break up because I HAD to, not because I WANTED to. I’ve come to terms and recognized that we weren’t meant to be. If we were then obviously we would have still been together.
    • I went through all my items and threw away everything…cards, teddy bears, clothes, and even jewelry. In order for me to heal I had to delete him out my life. 
  7. Redirected Hope
    • I was completely devastated by the breakup and had difficulty letting go. My relationship with hope died and in moving forward I needed to redirect my feelings of hope. I came to terms that I couldn’t save my failing relationship with my ex and I would be okay living without him.

 Once again: It is March 17th 2016 and I’m okay. 

I went through the stages of grief and now I’m looking in the mirror smiling. I’m smiling because I’m happy and my life hasn’t ended like I thought. I’m was denying myself a relationship with the person I’m interested in now because I still felt like I was cheating on my ex.

My ex cheated on me. The more I say it, the more I feel better. The more I see I didn’t do anything wrong. The only thing I did was share my love with someone who couldn’t reciprocate it. It hurt because we were together for so long and a bond was formed. This bond was formed with my son as well. Seeing his pain caused me pain. It hurt because I thought he was the end for me but maybe he was just my beginning. Another chapter in this crazy thing called life.

I woke up this morning with a smile because I’m no longer hurting. I’m no longer crying or feeling bad. I’m okay. I mean a day or two may come and I “might” relapse but its to be expected. However, I strongly think that those days are gone.

I like the guy that I’m with. I like that I smile and laugh until my cheeks are stained with tears. I like being happy. I like smiling…I’m loving it. Honestly, no one has seen a genuine smile from me in years and it’s glowing in every picture I take.

I knew I was okay when I looked at my ex’s girlfriend and spoke to her. There was no hate or animosity. I remember telling my ex that this girl is your second girlfriend. It was always a joke but when it happened I realized just like me, she was always there and I accepted that. I accepted their friendship that turned into an relationship. In reality, he was there for her all the time. He would tell me he couldn’t do things with me because he already promised to help her with something. I didn’t blame her for coming in and replacing me. I can’t. I don’t think it was intentional and if it was then that’s okay. Sometimes in life you can’t help who you fall for. I’ve learned that lesson as well.

She looked happy. Genuinely happy. I know her and I know like me she’s been through a lot. She smiles like how I currently smile. Beautiful. I hope that their relationship stays positive and that her smile stays like that forever. Everyone deserves happiness.

The hardest thing about the break up is that I knew it was going to have to happen. I just didn’t want to deal with it. Watching someone you love cheat on you or treat you less than what you’re worth is hard. At some part you have to stop being blind and say I deserve better because you do.

I’m a good person with a big heart and I deserve someone who loves me for me. I think I’ve found that now because I get the opportunity to fall in love with my best friend every day.

I’m doing much more better today than I was yesterday.

© Hikari Aie

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