I write because its the only way I can be without a mask. It is the only way I can express myself freely, hiding behind a computer screen.
My blog is my voice. I have the ability to scream and shout. I have the ability to be me. I can cry, laugh, smile, joke, be depressed, be hurt, and just be.
Every day I wake up and leave the house with a mask on. I’m a girlfriend, a mother, and a daughter. I belong to someone. I do what I have to do. What I’m suppose to do. I pretend. I’m good at pretending to be happy. I’ve had years of practice because to not be happy is a crime. You can’t fix it with a candy or even years of therapy. Every day I smile and laugh when on the inside I’m broken and sad. I cry and I wonder if today is the day that I stop existing.
My mask is off when I write. My feelings can be misunderstood and that’s okay. No one has to know its me and I don’t have to worry about what people think. People don’t like it when I remove my smile. It offends them. They get hurt…The last thing I want is to hurt people because they can’t understand why I am the way that I am. Maybe I’m a little naive but I’m free. I’m safe. Isn’t that what we all want? To be free? Or happy?
Writing is a better outlet than relapsing into drugs and alcohol. It’s better than me cutting to try to deal with the pain. The pain I have runs deep. The sadness envelopes me and steals what little light I have.
To be honest, writing is probably the only thing that’s keeping me focused…keeping me alive…keeping me sane.
The day I stop writing will be the day that I lost my fight and my will to exist….
© Hikari Aie