Hello, it’s me, I was wondering
If after all this time you’d like to meet to go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal, yeah
But I ain’t done much healing
So…with that said…Let’s talk. In the process of moving on I’ve been tackling a lot of things. I’m finding out that majority of my supposed to be issues came from childhood. It took completely being humiliated and destroyed by someone I loved for me to take a step back to just focus on me instead of focusing on everyone else. Guess it’s my turn now to deal with me.
My situation with my ex and my significant other is more complicated than it seems. Yes, my significant other is my best friend and its been like this for years. At the same time, he became best friends with my ex as well a year after we started dating. Told you it was complicated. We sat down and had a discussion. It was hard for me to look at him when he spoke because part of me was angry. I was angry because he knew the whole time what was happening and he said nothing.
This is where the humiliated feeling comes from. Everyone knew except me. I tell myself and others that I knew that he was sleeping around. I stayed for the sake of my son but in reality I didn’t know anything. I fake it because it makes the pain easier to deal with. People won’t watch me and say she really is dumb. How could she not see it happening? It doesn’t hurt as bad and people won’t look at me and feel sorry. It still hurts. Even to this day it hurts.
He was stuck in a rock and a hard place but from my viewpoint it was easy. I would have said something. I was angry and I’ve been angry for a while. Whenever someone asks about the situation, I try to avoid it because I don’t want to talk about it. I was pissed at him for not saying anything and part of me still is. Honestly, if there should be a downfall to our relationship it would be because I can’t get over that. Trust is something that I value tremendously after everything I’ve been through.
Relationship after relationship has failed because of trust issues. It always ended because I trusted too much and I always manage to see the good in people no matter how much they wronged me. I think this is my one major flaw among many.
I learned a lot during the conversation with him. I learned how my ex truly spoke of me. I must say I felt bad. I loved him a lot and the things that I’ve heard that was said about me….breaks my heart. Sadly, no one ever wants to hear the truth because it hurts. I’ve been hearing a lot from my so called “friends”. Its interesting how when words were spoken that everyone got a great jolly out of it at my expense. Now that the relationship is over, everyone can say that he said this or that. Why was nothing said when it was happening?
I can’t explain how truly hurt and angry I am. The humiliation and embarrassment runs deep and it is so hard to climb over this mountain to reach forgiveness. I feel like a fool…a big idiot. I tried to look at it from my best friend’s point of view. I really tried but its so hard because of our definition of friendship differ when it comes to morals. He strongly believes that if something is told or done then it should be confidential. I believe that as well but it has limits. I won’t tell your secrets but I won’t let your lies hurt another person for personal gain.
We were friends first but “Bros before Hoes” came before our friendship. I think about the amount of times I went to him and said I think he’s cheating on me. His response was always he loves you too much or that’s crazy. The amount of times I called him crying or texted him. He stayed loyal to him when sometimes he was right there witnessing it happen. It’s hard to look at it from his point of view because his point of view was so wrong in many ways. I could never be like that.
His response was that we never talked the way we use too. He didn’t know what was happening with me and my ex made me seem like I was the worse. I wanted to say was I the worse when I was crying and begging for my friend to talk to me. To be honest? Even to this day he holds his secrets still because he has morals. He’s a good guy that was caught in between a rock and a hard place.
In this strange turn of events, I’m dating my best friend. The guy who holds my ex’s secrets. The person who watched me deteriorate into a shell of a person by keeping his lips sealed. Even though he gave me the opportunity to ask the questions I wanted to ask I couldn’t. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to hurt any more and feel like a bigger fool. I don’t want to put him in a position where he compromises his morals and his viewpoint on friendship. Yet still, I’m here thinking about other people before myself. I’m being selfless.
Now I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place. I’m suppose to trust and be honest. I’m struggling to trust…really struggling. Instead of trying to trust I’m doing good. Do good by others and hopefully you will get it back….Right?
I can’t look my ex in the face because I now know what he truly thought of me. I struggle to be completely open with my current because he lied and he allowed me to hurt. He watched me cry and comforted me.
I pick up my phone today to call a friend and I quickly realize I have no one to talk to because I trust no one. The closest friends watched me suffer and allowed it. The amount of times I’ve helped everyone, warned everyone, been honest to everyone, and now I realize that I can’t trust anyone.
If I can’t trust…how do I love?
With all the information that I know, how do I move on from this and let it go?
© Hikari Aie