I’m on day three of this journey to move on. I’m not only trying to get over the drastic break up but I’m trying to find myself again and figure out what makes me happy. I guess I’m trying to find my self-worth.
A strange turn of events happened last night. I went out my with ex’s mom. It was nerve-wracking but I really enjoyed myself. I missed being able to talk to someone and she is mom away from home. Having an open line of communication meant a lot for me. At the end of the day I really didn’t have no reason to be scared. She didn’t hate me. She still loves me and I think that she is hoping that possibly there is one day when her son and myself will get back together.
Also, I came to the conclusion that I have abandonment issues with good cause. I am the way that I am because of what happened to me when I was a child. When I was younger, my dad and I was playing a game in the yard. I threw the ball out the gate and it rolled down the street. My dad chased after the ball promising that he would be back and that was the last time I saw him. A couple of days after I had an asthma attack and my mother took me to the hospital. I was waiting in the emergency room waiting for my name to be called when she said that she loved me no matter what. My mom kissed me and left. That was the last time I saw my mom. After that, I became a ward of the state.
It’s interesting because I never know that my issues went that deep. I figured it was just because I was hurt that my ex cheated on me like the rest. They only came up because I was talking to my significant other. I confessed to him that going through everything is hard. No matter how perfect I was every guy I dated found something wrong with me and left. Being broken up with would have been more graceful. They all cheated. All long term. All cheated. The longest being five years took its toll because I was truly in love with him. A first love kind of love.
I tried to rationalize in my head all the time as to what is really wrong with me. Everyone I loved left. The person who I really loved found someone better. At this point I keep thinking that something must be wrong with me. Our discussion went back and forth on this topic. I let him to see the real me. It was hard. I could see that he wanted to interrupt but he was nervous that if he did that I would stop talking. If he did, I probably would have stopped. In that moment with him I was feeling so much pain. A lot of truths came to light. A lot of things were said.
For the first time in a long while, someone listened to me. His response was that he loves me for me. I didn’t have to be perfect for him. He didn’t love me because I was perfect but because I wasn’t. He didn’t care about my upbringing but he now knows a little bit more about me.
Moving on is hard. Trying to figure out how to do it is kind of harder. I’m uncovering a lot of truths that I don’t know if I’m ready to handle all at once…But what I can say is that I’m making progress slowly.
At the end of it, I’m doing a little bit better today than I was yesterday.
© Hikari Aie