Instead of spending yesterday thinking about how pissed I was…I busied myself in work. To recap…Five year relationship over and trying to move on. I’m also trying not to live in the past but sometimes you have to sort through the past to move forward.
It’s been four months and we both are in new relationships. I can only speak for myself in saying…jumping into a new relationship to get over the last one is definitely not a good idea. It does not work for everyone because you have not sorted out your feelings for the last person.
The guy I’m dating is really kind and awesome. He was there for the downfall of the relationship. He’s actually been my best friend for years and he’s been helping me sort through everything. I’m not saying that dating him is a mistake but it gets challenging. It’s challenging because he always has to remind me by saying, “I’m not him.”
Every time I hear that I instantly feel super bad because it was never my intention to hurt him in any way. It shows me that I am in no way ready to be with someone else so soon. My actions are still being controlled by my ex and that is something I refused to get over until now. It just becomes hard to break a routine that you’ve adapted to for the last couple of years. In reality, you have conditioned yourself into the way you are today.
A perfect example would be in dating my ex the only time we had serious conversations were via text. They never happened face to face. He hated conflict and I’ll be honest in saying I’m a debater. In my current relationship, he’s trying to get me to just open my mouth and speak. Easier said than done.
I would shut down on him so fast that it frustrates him. I find that I struggle to gather my thoughts and say them. I can write how I feel down with ease because I don’t have to be scared that I’d get eaten alive for having feelings. This isn’t only because of my previous relationship but because of how I was raised. My father was not open at all and when I was open with him he shut me down. I learned to internalize.
It’s the same for affection as well. Showing affection was never allowed with my dad or in my relationship with my ex. It got to the point where I kinda learned to just stop showing drastic amounts of affection. My current boyfriend lives for affection. He’ll hold my hand in public and I will pull away from him. His reaction to my actions is what shows me that I’ve hurt him. Once again this was done unintentionally. It was something learned.
Coming out of my last relationship was rough because I never saw the damage that was done because I was too involved. Now that I’m out and looking back, I see how much of myself that I allowed to disappear and die. I changed so much that I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.
Change isn’t bad. Losing yourself in the process is what’s bad. I’m learning that now and I find that today I’m doing much better than yesterday.
© Hikari Aie