Moving On – Day 1

I have been through the ringer since birth. The most painful event happened to be breaking up with my ex after dating “officially” for five years. It’s been about four months now and I thought I was on the “road to recovery” until I saw him in the grocery store.

Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma’am!

That’s how it felt to see him. Shortly after that I started seeing him on road more and on my friends posts on Facebook. It was better when I could act as if he didn’t existed. Now I realize that it didn’t help. I just buried unresolved feelings that came back and soccer punched me in the stomach. Not only that but I see his significant other all over and I wonder how easy was it to throw away 6 years of friendship and 5 years of dating.

Now, I go on my Facebook and click “See Your Memories”. There is my post:

March 22, 2013
It’s suppose to get easier as time goes by and it’s only getting harder. Feels like the walls are closing in and I’m choking on life. The nights are longer than before while the days ends with a blink of the eye. Things are changing and I don’t know what’s the right or wrong thing to do. Every decision is wrong and at the end of each day, I’m dying inside. I’m not the girl I used to be…
(
How I felt after terminating my pregnancy)

March 11, 2014
It sucks when you’re being ignored by the only person you want attention from. It hurts getting absolutely no love from the only person you’re in love with. It’s sad when you get no conversation from the only one you want to talk to.
(How I felt knowing that he was cheating on me)

March 21, 2015
Never will I be mindful and take other people’s feelings into consideration. All I does get from it hurt feelings. If you don’t care then why should?
(
Giving up on my relationship after trying to save it)

Are you guys reading this? This was my post in 2013, 2014, 2015. MINES. I was so unhappy but yet still I stayed in a relationship that was clearly failing. All my other posts reflect that I knew, showed that I was fighting for him and us, shows that I loved him enough to go through it, and showed how part of me was really ready to move on.

My mind was over it but my heart still said to fight. I listened to my heart instead of my mind and I went through 3 more years of pain and heartbreak. Yet still, here I am today, in another relationship…one that is beautiful and should have been from the start…still feeling some sort of way for a man who took pride into beating me down into nothing.

When will enough be enough for me to let go? Over the course of my life I have had a series of things happen to me and I have held onto that pain so much that it is crippling me. I am hindering myself from becoming the powerful female that I am suppose to be.

Yes, I am angry and full of hate. Not that it’s directed towards my ex but its directed at me because I allowed myself to come to this point where I feel like shit when I should not feel like this. You are living your life as if I never existed while a part of me is still wondering what did I do wrong? What could I have done better? I have given you so much that I lost me in the process and now I realize the problem wasn’t me. It was you. I was too much of a woman for you to handle. You weren’t ready to step up to the big leagues so you seek refuge with other females. I condoned that as well. Silly me right?

For the sake of “Love” I endured because I strongly believe that love is powerful but in reality its not. There is a right way to love and a wrong way. I loved him enough to marry him and say this is it. I wanted him to be The End but for him I was just the Prologue. You see love is tricky. You have to love yourself before you can love others. I didn’t love myself enough to see that he was loving me wrong. So I am still learning.

As humans we take a lot but when we get burned we want to say that it is the other person fault and yes it may be their fault to a degree. However, didn’t you see the warning signs? You still continued because there was a small chance that maybe you were over reacting. It takes a lot time and energy holding onto painful things. I’ve reached the point where I’m tired of holding it in and keeping everything a secret.

So, from this point on it all comes out. Day by day and bit by bit. Every secret, hurt, and pain will be set free so I can move on.

I am tired of living in the past.

I’m letting it go.

© Hikari Aie

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