The last week has been filled with a lot of ups and downs. In my eyes, there were more downs than up. I was tired and frustrated. I was concerned, lost, scared, and depressed. There were so many different emotions running through me and I felt like I had no one to talk to. The decision to keep this baby was weighing down on me more than ever.
At this point it was already agreed between us that we wouldn’t tell our family together. I wanted him to be there when I told my father but he didn’t want to. He stated that it was something that he wasn’t ready to do. I had to face my dad alone. If nothing else spoke in volumes then that really was my wake up call but I still chose to push ahead.
My biological mother knew and she wanted this baby more than anything. She even offered to have me move to New York to get away from the family that I was living with if things got to stressful. I told my adoptive mom I was expecting and she didn’t have to tell me in too many words that she didn’t want me to have the baby. She was just as afraid of her husband as I was. Even though my son was six years old and I worked two jobs to carry my weight, it meant nothing to my dad. She was afraid that he would lose his temper and destroy me. His definition of destruction was tanking my career, taking my son, and if it pushed him over the edge enough then he wouldn’t hesitate to physically beat me down, pregnant or not. He’d done it before and gotten away with it scotch free. What would make this time any different?
I had so many odds stacked against me and so much to lose. Yet still, I put all my faith and trust in the man that I loved. I still planned to stand in front of my father, alone, and tell him I was having my second child. To add more gas to the fire, I was also going to say that I was moving out and getting married with or without his consent.
Over the last couple of weeks I packed up all my belongings as well as my son’s items. I did this because I knew once the news broke I would’t have time to pack anything. I would be thrown out on the spot and I preferred to have all my belongings gone before it happened. I was moving in with my boyfriend. He had an extra room at his house that was for my son and I would sleep with him. I was prepared to leave everything behind for my future with him.
The only thing he needed to do was confide in his mother. It was what he wanted and asked for so I gave him that. Even though he didn’t offer his, I asked him if he needed my support. I found his mom to be honest. I’ve been in his shoes before once but at this point we were grown adults. No longer eighteen and well above twenty three. I knew how scary it was and I was prepared to be there for him. The only thing was that he didn’t want me to so I had to respect his decisions.
The feelings that I felt were suffocating the more I thought of it. I had to face the person I was scared of alone. I didn’t get pregnant by myself. I went to doctor’s appointments alone. I went to custody lawyers, child social services, and did countless hours of research alone. I was fighting for this child and my son, alone. Everything that needed to be done I was doing it alone.
I was coming to terms with the fact that all of this would blow up in my face and I would be alone and still I was risking it…
© Hikari Aie
To Be Continued…
Day Two: The Ultrasound
Day One – Part Two: The Party