The plan was set in motion. I had done everything possible to cover my bases from financials to speaking to lawyers. The only thing left for me to do was to break the news to my father and leave. I had no problem doing this and I was more than ready mentally to take anything he threw my way.
Tonight is date night. Date nights are suppose to be kept on Friday nights so that no matter how hectic our week got, we had one night to talk and play catch up. It was the one night where I was prepared to just have fun and enjoy myself, mainly because I planned to break the news to everyone tomorrow.
This night I expected to go out to dinner and go back to the house to watch Netflix. This was a custom routine for him. He didn’t like going out so I didn’t mind if he kept it simple. On this night dinner never happened. We went to his job to drop off supplies then had an argument on whether we should go home or go to a friends party. Although I wanted to go home, he kept asking if I was sure I didn’t want to go to the party. I wasn’t feeling well that night and I was hungry. The sucky part of being pregnant is that you are always hungry. I knew he didn’t want to go home, probably because he didn’t want to talk to me about the baby or moving in tomorrow. Eventually I caved to keep the peace and we went to the party.
It was his friend’s church function. They were having a fun day for children. Music was playing and people were just standing up talking. As always my boyfriend found himself on the dominoes table fitting in like he belonged. On the other hand, I was standing on the other side of the court watching him play. Seating was limited so I ended up standing up for majority of the night. I watched him play dominoes and chit chat with a few people. Once they left I was alone again. My boyfriend never moved from the table.
We arrived at the party around eight or nine. Every time I told him I was ready to go he asked for five more minutes. I even told him I was tired and wasn’t feeling well. He never budged. I continued watching him play his game and the decision became remarkably clear. Whatever we had was dead. He wouldn’t be there for me any more than he would be there for our child.
As he said before, “I” wasn’t giving him the choice. “I” was the one forcing him to do it. “I” was the one hanging onto his words like a life line. Everything he told me about wanting to have a baby was a lie. He was just caught up in the mood of that night. He didn’t want it. He didn’t care. If he had cared then I wouldn’t be at a party that I didn’t want to be at. I wouldn’t have had to stand up for five hours waiting for him to finish multiple games of dominoes. I wouldn’t have been so hungry. My back was hurting and stomach was doing flip flops. My feet were swollen and I was tired after working all day.
It was after twelve when we left. The car ride home was relatively quiet. I didn’t have anything to say except I want to go home. He apologized about us not getting to go out for dinner. We were only suppose to stay for about two hours but that didn’t happen at all. He was tired and he wanted to go home. He did in fact questioned if I felt better or not. Since he was tired and the decision was made that if I didn’t feel better that he would take me to the hospital in the morning. I didn’t hold my breathe on this happening.
The dream that I had and hoped for shattered like glass. There were no more feeling of love and happiness. I regretted everything. I was risking everything for him…for us. He didn’t even tell his mother. I was just suppose to show up and when she noticed the change she would find out. No one could have felt more stupid and embarrassed than me. I believed everything he told me. I fed into his lies. I believed him when he said he would be there….that he wouldn’t leave me alone. Worse of all, I honestly believed him when he said he loved me.
My heart broke a thousand times that night when it all came together. It’s still breaking now in this present day. They say that to live a life without love isn’t living. I wish I never met love nor that it knocked upon my door. For when it left it took my mind, body, and soul with it.
© Hikari Aie
To Be Continued…
Day One – Part One: The Plan
Ground Zero: My Decision