The last couple of days haven’t been the best. It seemed like my relationship was on different sides of the spectrum. For some reason, I still found it in me to stay optimistic. I mean I had to if I wanted my relationship to work.
Today was the day of my ultrasound. I was nervous yet excited. I was nervous because after everything I wanted things to be alright. I was excited because I get to see my gummy bear for the first time. I knew that it was early and I probably wouldn’t see much but it was enough to show me that it was real.
I left work early and took the bus to the hospital. While heading there I stayed in constant contact with my boyfriend via text. He wasn’t picking up the phone and messages where going unanswered. I was starting to get worried that he would miss the ultrasound. Another thing that would be missed yet again. If he did miss it, I wasn’t so sure that he would be there for the balance.
After checking in, I sat in the room and waited. If you’ve never had an ultrasound before then let me tell you it is not all that it is cracked up to be. Honestly, you have to drink a ton of water and wait until they call you to do the ultrasound. Having a full tummy and bladder of water makes it easier for the technician to see inside of you. However, if you crack and go to the bathroom then you have to start all over again.
Eventually my boyfriend showed up. Words cannot explain the relief that I felt just seeing him walk in. The fear that I had started to fade away. He showed up. It wasn’t on time but at least he showed up. He’ll never know that I refused to do the ultrasound without him. In reality, I could have been in and out of the hospital in an hour. I waited the couple hours for him. I knew the nurses felt bad for me. They kept questioning my decision and asking me if I was cold. Truthfully, I was freezing but I wouldn’t admit that. My fingers were tingling and my toes were numb. I was stubborn and in love so I wasn’t doing it without him. Even if it meant that I would have to reschedule. I would wait on him.
Another woman would have just done it and left but I couldn’t. Maybe I was being stupid or just being a hopeless romantic. Keyword…Hopeless. I just didn’t think that he should miss the first ultrasound or any in fact. I really didn’t want to do it without him. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
I noticed that he was there but he wasn’t there. We made small talk but it still didn’t feel like how we were before. If he wasn’t happy, he was easily agitated. It felt like I was the cause of why he was acting like that.
I noticed that he never looked up from his phone when the technician called my name. I turned and asked him if he was coming and it seemed like he could care less. I tried not to let it dampen my spirits. Today would be the first day that I saw my gummy bear. I laid on the table as the technician explained the process and squirted the cool gel on my stomach. Within seconds I was staring at our gummy bear. Everything was going well according to the technician. He reconfirmed the due dates of the baby and that was it.
No one could have more happier than me at that moment because it meant that I was able to unleash the waterfall that I was holding in for so long. I bounced happily to my boyfriend after and asked if he was ready to go. When I looked at him I could see that he was gone again. He had nothing to say and the support that I was looking for was gone.
The support that I wanted wasn’t really there. He was more concerned about our baby coming on the date of someone else’s. The disappointment that I felt was surreal. I was going through my second pregnancy alone. What made it worse was that I felt like I had trapped him into something that he didn’t want. All the convincing in the world couldn’t change my mind at that moment.
© Hikari Aie
To Be Continued…
Day Three: His Words
Day One – Part One: The Plan