Surprisingly enough, I am doing well. Eight more days and it will be the anniversary of when I lost my little one. In the past I would scream and shout or just become a shut in as the dates get closer.
It’s on my mind. The day everything happened and the pain I felt. Strangely enough it feels like karma is finally getting back at me. The pain that I feel in my stomach right now reminds me of the pain that I felt that day. It gets hard to catch my breath sometimes or I can barely move. I just sit/stand and wait for the pain to pass so I can continue what I’m doing.
Oddly enough, when I found out I was pregnant back then I had gotten extremely sick. I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. It was a nagging gut feeling. I just knew. Today I’m sick…just sick. I’m getting the same pains and the familiar pull in my stomach. Unfortunately, pregnancy is far from the cause. Although, I wish I was pregnant. I know it won’t fill the void but I still want it…you know?
Maybe you don’t know. Maybe you’re too young to understand or probably saying get over yourself its been years. However, for me, its a lifetime of guilt.
The worse part about that day was that I was alone. It was then that I realized that it was the beginning of the end of my relationship. Losing a child hurts, but its worse when you have to deal with the loneliness and pain by yourself. There was no one to turn to and no hand to hold.
I lost more than my child that day. I lost myself.
To be continued:
Crossing the Finish Line…
Seven Days Left – The Beginning