Change

Sometimes as parents, we pass down certain traits to our children that we wish never existed. For me, I hate change. Terribly. Unfortunately, my son hates change far worse than me. So much so, that he is still struggling in school. Now, being retained in his grade level is now a huge fear and it is now a major possibility.

I never thought I would actually have to deal with something like this. I figured the biggest change in his life would be leaving his friends behind to move to the states. He’s more prepared for the move than I am. Sadly, the change he cannot handle is having someone walk out of his life. He’s still struggling to understand what happened.

I can’t explain to him why things ended the way they did. He’s not old enough to understand what happened. I can’t give him back the life he once had. He lost a lot…weekend activities, after school, tutoring, etc. Most of all he lost someone he thought cared about him.

Sometimes, I feel like I’ve failed him. As his mom, I’m suppose to protect him from things that could hurt him. I’m suppose to prevent things like this. I knew the warning signs were there but still because I wanted to be loved so bad, I ignored them.

As parents, we endure or try to stay in situations thinking that it will make things better. We do it for our children thinking that they wouldn’t notice what is happening. News flash…they do.  We don’t want to raise our children with just one parent so if the situation is manageable both parents stay in the relationship for the sake of the child. However, sometimes doing it for the sake of the child does more harm than good. You would have think that I would have learned because its the same thing my parents are doing.

In my case, I stayed because of my son. Even though I was unhappy, I stayed. If I had left two years ago when the thought first crossed my mind, maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. Maybe things would have been different. One can hope right.

I stayed not only for my son but for myself. I thought that if I changed who I was and was more present that maybe he would have fallen back in love with me. I hoped that it could have been a one time thing, maybe he didn’t need to find other women to comfort him. I hoped that it could have been me again, but I fooled myself for two more years. Not only did I hurt myself in the process but my little one is hurting as well.

I have begun to put the pieces of my life back together slowly. He has not. He is still trying to find his purpose in the world, among friends and family. He’s petrified that the people he gets close to will leave. The only other option is leaving the job I have to be there for him after school. Just to spend the extra time, tutor, and study. Get his grades back up. If I do this, am I feeding into his fear of abandonment or helping him in the long run?

The most I can do right now is reassure him that I am still here for him. I still try my best. I can still push him to be the star that I want him to be. Until then, I’m just trying to figure it out with him and help him put his pieces back together.

To the other parents out there who is probably going through the same thing…How do you not let them slip through the cracks?

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