We all have our own issues, our own conflicts. However, how many of us struggle with an inner demon. For some its self-mutilation, depression, bulimia, anorexia, sex, or even suicide…just to name a few. There is something that we struggle with daily, day in and out, but can’t or don’t know how to continue living in the shadows of our addiction.
How many of us will actually stand up within the crowd and say this is me? I have a problem. How many of are willing to do it? I’m not going to hit you with statistics but honestly, majority of us won’t. We don’t do it because we’re hurting or afraid. We don’t want to be stuck with labels as that person with mental issues. We don’t want to be treated differently. We’ve become addicted to our inner demon where we can’t live without it. Its how we handle the painful moments we go through. We use our inner demons because its the only control that we have in our world that’s spinning out of control.
I’ve went through everything I’ve listed. It hasn’t be an easy path to get to this point in my life. With my depression, I struggle every single day. Some days I’m having a great day and then a trigger happens. I lose control and I’m spiraling. I can’t control the feeling or the pain that overwhelms me. I see and hear things that aren’t there. It torments me to a point where I feel the need to give into other cravings.
Self-mutilation is probably the only control I have. I suppose its this way because I can control the outcome and I don’t have to leave it up to faith. I don’t have to wait for anyone to hurt me because I can do it myself. It sounds sick and twisted but I dunno…something about it makes me feel better?
I know he worries about me when I get too quiet. Sometimes I just like to float around in my head. Silence is golden. Other times he worries that I’ll probably let the voices drive me crazy. There are also times where he’s afraid I’ll cave and give into the taste of the steel blade. One day, he fears that I’ll go to deep and he’ll lose me. I see his concern every day we wake up and every night before I go to sleep. Anything I do out of the norm sends up flags and he asks, “Are you okay?”
So how do I admit now…that I need help without losing everything? Without being labeled as the girl whose off her hinges. Without being locked away or put on medications that will make you feel “better”. Its hard having our inner demons and not leaving it ruin our life.
For most of us its a phase, we grow out of it. For others, its the only life we know. The only question now is when do we stand up in the middle of the crowd and say enough is enough.