Giving how I was raised, I am big on trust. It took my ex two years to earn my trust. I trusted him, yes, but it took a while to get there. With my trust came love as well. The kind of love that is hard to find. How did it end? Well, he cheated. Five years building something for him to decide that another female was worth it. I left obviously. I couldn’t deal with the emotional damage it left behind. I still can’t.
Once again, there goes my trust. How do I recover? Honestly speaking, how do you give your all to someone only to be beaten and broken down? How do you pick up the pieces and put them back together? When you pick a flower and crush it…can you turn it back into the beautiful object it was once before? You can’t can you.
This is trust to me. Trust is my flower. If I cannot trust you as a boyfriend, parent, family, or just a regular friend, then our relationship will not get far. Maybe this is my reasoning for being as sheltered as I am today. I understand that in order to get trust you have to earn it but how many times must we go through this process before we realize we can’t.
I have also learned that you can’t live without it. You can try but you won’t get far. You’ll become sheltered, isolated, and most of all lonely. You can’t imagine how many times I picked up the phone to call someone and realized there was nobody there to call because I trust no one.
The worse part of it is the isolation and loneliness.You become antisocial and shy. Walking pass groups of friends and wishing you had what they have. I understand that all that glitters isn’t gold but sometimes doesn’t everyone deserve their own gold.
I mean I really want the friendship and the support but I have to be able to trust you. I have trusted before but I’ve been betrayed or lied to. Each betrayal cuts deeper than the last because you promise yourself that “this time is going to be different“. We get our hopes up and when our bubble is popped then you have to start over. We as human beings can only start over but so many times.
I want to start over. I really do but I don’t know if I have it in me to start over again. The button is here and I’m having a hard time pressing “GO”. So until then I’ll be sitting here, staring at a computer screen because the only comfort I have right now is writing.