Conditioned

With every relationship you have to go through hard times. When those times come they’re really hard but what do you do when it becomes too much?

Do you guys realize how much we change ourselves for our significant other without even realizing it? You never realize how bad it is until its over and you’re trying to move on.

I have a boyfriend. He’s so amazing. I went through so many bad things that it’s stuck with me. He doesn’t yell at me or get mad. He pulls me to him and tells me simple things like “Breathe” or “Calm down” or the most popular one is “I’m not him”. Now he doesn’t always do with using words but his actions proves a lot.

My ex hated talking on the phone. He felt it was easier to just text. I loved to call people. Nothing feels better than picking up the phone and just calling a friend to talk. Since my ex didn’t like it, I stopped calling. I didn’t even realize how bad it got until my parents brought it up.

My mom would lose her mind because I wouldn’t call her. She felt like texting was a cop out to calling. My friends just dwindled down to nothing. I only have one friend now. With my current boyfriend, when we started off I use to get panic attacks when I missed a call from him or I just never called him in general. He kept telling me “It’s okay. I’m not him”.

Hearing my mom break down and cry on the phone last night because I didn’t call her was heartbreaking. I honestly didn’t realize it was that bad. I didn’t realize I changed so much. I’m not saying that change is bad but sometimes it isn’t worth it.

For me, I changed too much. I stopped smiling as much. I lost a lot of friends, if not all. Panic attacks, insomnia, and depression started. I stopped playing piano, writing, and reading because it took up too much time. I worked so hard with two jobs that all the things that I loved, I gave them up to be with him. I shouldn’t have. It got to the point where I felt so guilty for going out and leaving him home that I couldn’t enjoy myself. I self sabotaged my own “Me” nights.

In relationships we go through a lot, males and females. We adapt to our significant other for various reasons, some good and bad. We’re subconsciously conditioned into certain things and we don’t even realize it happening. It happened to me and I was okay with it until one day I woke up and wanted more.

The day I woke up I realized that I wasn’t happy with who I’d become. Being antisocial and different didn’t suit me. Even though my ex can swear that I was always out there doing this or that, it was actually the hardest thing for me to do. I was pretending to be happy when I wasn’t. I was being ignored and I felt unwanted. I changed myself so much that I didn’t know who to be anymore.

We’re not robots. We’re humans who have feelings and our thoughts count. If the person who you’re with doesn’t value you then you deserved better. You know it and I know it. Don’t stop being who you are to make someone else happy. You’ll lose yourself, friends, and family. You don’t ever want to do that.

No one loves you more than you.

Its time you finally fight for you because when you do it will be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.

Trust me.

~Hikari Aie

 

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