I haven’t written a blog about my feelings for a while. So…here goes.
I’ve never been a size 8. I’ve been a size 10 or 12. I am currently a size 12/14. My weight has been an issue for me for a while. Growing up hasn’t been easy for me. Between being bullied in school and my father, my weight has always been my downfall.
My dad would buy clothes and if they didn’t fit, he would tell me I need to stop eating. I look like a whale. He just couldn’t admit he bought the wrong size. In school, I was constantly teased, tripped, and picked on. My nickname until 9th grade was “Miss Piggy.”
It eventually got so bad that I developed the “standard” eating disorders, became self conscious, and refused at times to just eat. I’m old enough now to know that I’m beautiful in my own way. My weight doesn’t define me but if the people who love you uses that to tear you down…then what do you do?
My now ex was someone that I loved deeply. There wasn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for him. He wanted something and I made it happen the best way that I could. At the time, he was the one I wanted to marry.
One of his issues happened to be his weight. He was bigger than me by far but it never really bothered him. Nor did it bother me. Like I said, in my eyes he was amazing. He would drop some hints here and there that he wanted to work out. Eventually, I made it an reality for him. I started working out first and in support he joined in.
We started a weight loss journey together. Boy, did it felt amazing. Working side by side with your partner to accomplish a goal. He probably didn’t think of it as anything but it meant the world to me. However, his company always had something to say about it.
I remember one day in the kitchen we were all just hanging out and the guy said I looked like a linebacker. He went as far as saying that I could be the abusive one in the relationship. He pointed out all my flaws. My shoulders were too broad. My calves were too thick and my hands looked heavy. He commented on the fact that I could have even been a body builder. It went on and on.
I felt like I was back in elementary school all over again. I should have stood up for myself right? Sadly, in that moment, I didn’t. My now ex was there so I naturally expected him to jump in and probably defend me. That was actually far from the case, he joined in on the jokes.
Being so self conscious as I was and not wanting to seem like a cry baby, I said nothing. I think in the moment I was so shocked that I laughed along as well. Laughing kept the tears at bay and the fears of imperfection away. I did mention it to him when we were alone and it was basically dismissed. The simple kiss and “I don’t think that you look like that.”
At that time I was a size 16/18. The biggest I had ever been in my life and I so desperately wanted to lose the weight. However, I didn’t want to lose the weight at the risk of looking like a “linebacker” so I stopped.
I skipped the classes that I paid for. I stopped going to my work out group. I stopped eating healthy. I stopped eating all together. I know he noticed the change, that I wasn’t “motivated” enough. All of that was dismissed rather quickly and life went back to being what it was.
Today, someone reminded me of the words that were said to me long ago and the shock that they felt hearing it from the person. In an instant, I went from feeling strong and empowered to feeling scared and mannish.
At the moment, I was standing outside in daisy dukes and a tank top. I was wearing a size 12 pants. Size 12!!! Can you believe it? And that memory had so much power over me that I instantly sat down and tried to hide my body.
He must have known what I was doing because the next thing he texted me was:
Stop feeling like your body looks bad.
I love your body, head to toe.
You have nice legs.
Never forget that.
I love you.
He probably doesn’t know how much his words meant to me. He’s slowly undoing everything that was done or said to me. All the torture and conditioning that I endured are slowly slipping away like sand.
I’m now a size 12. I’ve lost 20 pounds. It may not seem like anything but it’s major to me. I wear what I like. I flaunt my legs. I go to the gym and dance a lot. Pole dancing, Zumba, African Dance, Salsa, and so much more. I’m living for myself again. Finally.
I am somebody worth loving. I am beautiful and amazing. The words and actions that someone told me in the past has no power over me now. I like working out and dancing. I love to have fun.
I deserve it.
You deserve it.
We all deserve it.
To stop living in fear and giving people power over how we feel or look. I know its hard but start by standing up for yourself. Small baby steps. Wear what you like. Eat what you want. Do what makes you happy. Your future self will thank you for it.
I promise you.