He watches me. His eyes filled with anger, hatred, hurt, confusion, heartache and tears glistening through. His chest heaves up and down after confessing his true feelings.
“I wonder if he knew when he killed me?” I thought as I watched him, unable to comprehend the heartless words that spilled from his mouth.
Did you know?
Did you know that you killed me?
Did you know that you punched me in my stomach when you stated,
“You were never there. Where were you?”
As I stood before you doubled over, barely breathing, I thought about it. I was there. Waiting for you. Do you remember the times when you were suppose to join us for several play dates with your son? I was there. Do you remember the times I came home to an empty house? Your son and I were there. Do you remember the Valentine’s Day I took off early from work to cook and spend the afternoon with you after class but you showed up minutes to five in the evening? I was there. I cooked lunch.
Do you remember that time that I got so sick that I could barely move and you asked me to pick up your family member because you didn’t want to be bothered. I was there. I did that. I didn’t fuss or argue. I rolled out of bed with the high fever and hallucinations, went to get them so you can have fun. Do you remember that? Do you?
Did you know that you slapped me in my face when you stated,
“She never needed to schedule dates three weeks in advance or needed to find a babysitter.”
As I looked at you with tears in my eyes unable to focus now. My son. Our son. The one you called your own was brought into something he knew nothing about. Do you remember when I sucked in a breath of air as the tears started to flow freely?
Did you know that those words knocked me to my knees?
Did you know?
Did you know that those words burned me and made me regret a lot? Made me regret a blessing for a moment, the blessing that rose from the chaos as a phoenix. The blessing that I was working so hard for? The blessing that I was trying to find a way out for? Did you know that in that span of a second I regretted being a mother?
Did you know?
That I no longer stand before you as a strong woman but as a girl who was forced upon her knees by words. Your words.
Do you know that I’m looking up at you now, waiting for the next blow?
“Yes, I kissed her.”
“Yes, I slept with her”
” Where were you when I needed you? Where?!?”
“I was here by myself waiting for you. I was lonely. I was afraid.”
“I gave you that car for freedom, to get away from your parents but you used it to get away from me.”
Did you know that you beat me with your words relentlessly?
Did you know as I lay before you bruised and beaten by words, that I still loved you? Even though my loyalty was questioned and my love…Did you know I was still there?
Do you remember when I was first presented with a car how upset I was? Do you remember me saying that this car will drive us apart? Do you? Can you recall when I started saying that we never saw each other anymore? Do you remember when date night was created? Do you remember the first time you bailed for dominoes with the guys? Do you?
Do you remember when I wasn’t feeling well that you went with the car? Dropped our son and I off then said you would be back later for us? Do you remember the endless times I called and you gave me vague answers as to where you were. Do you remember when you pulled up that the other woman was in the car? Our car? My car? Do you remember that my office was already locked up for the afternoon and we were outside just waiting? I remember. I was there.
Do you remember when it was just me alone at work waiting for you to pick me up? Do you remember that I waited for two hours after? Do you remember that even though I called and texted that you still found time to help her before you came to me? Do you remember the expression on my face when I saw her in the car? The front seat at that? Do you remember how I shrunk to the the side of the car unable to say anything as the two of you had an amazing conversation.
Do you remember when I came to you in concern, love, hatred, anger and tears? Do you remember that I said she’s replacing me. Do you remember when I told you it was too much for me to see her clothes all over your room? Do you remember when I said I’m scared that she will be our downfall. I told you I was hurt, lonely, and afraid. Do you remember what you did? I do. I was there. You did nothing.
Do you remember that the reason I was absent a lot was because I worked, not one job but two? Two jobs to try and get out of the situation that I was in. Do you remember when two jobs soon turned into three jobs plus trying to be a full time college student and a full time mom? Do you remember how you reassured me and told me that everything will be okay that it will only be for a moment? Do you remember every time I said I felt like we were losing each other and you said it was all in my head?
When the Final Blow was Delivered
“I told him he has a new daddy now.”
Did you know what that did to me?
Did you know how much you destroyed me by saying that? Dragging an eight year old into our fight. Did you hear when my heart stopped and I couldn’t pull any air into my lungs?
When you turned to look at me did you not see that you turned me from the girl I had become to a child? A little girl staring back at you with wide eyes and a broken heart. Did you not see the pain you inflicted upon me with your words…cutting out my heart like a dull sword.
You were angry. You were hurt. So you needed to hurt me by any means necessary. You did.
When you looked at me did you not see you had won? Did you not see the light in my eyes go out like a flame for a candle. That I was no longer a little girl but a flower you had crushed within your hands.
Did you know you turned me into nothing?
Did you know that your words stole my identity?
Did you know the the sharpness of your tongue demolished the little girl that lives inside of me?
Did you know that I no longer know my worth because of your words?
Did you know that you know that your words killed me?
Did you know that that was the moment when you lost me?
She looked at him quietly, unable to speak because the words would not flow like water. She felt for the wall behind her and used it to steady her. He watched her. His eyes cold, calculating, and hardened. He awaits her quick comeback with one of his own, probably ready to strike with another vicious blow.
She tucks her hair behind her ear and watches him. Her brown eyes reflecting in the sunlight as she bites her bottom lip. She looks down at her hand then raises it towards him, palm facing up. A peaceful gesture.
Did you know that even though I am no longer the woman I use to be that I forgive you?
Did you know?