Risk of Loving Him

There is a risk to loving him but I love him anyway. To love him means another will be hurt but I love him anyway.

I love him.

I said it. I’ve been honest with myself. I’ve been honest with you.

I love him.

There is still a risk because people will not understand. People will judge. We will be called names. We will be hurt. They will shake their heads at us and backs will turn.

I will still love him.

I loved him in front his face. I loved him from a distance. I loved him as a friend. I loved him as a brother. I just love him.

I tried not to because it was wrong. Too may feelings were involved. Too many people would be hurt. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. How could I? I knew what hurt was. How could I instill that kind of pain to someone because I was selfish and loved another?

I don’t know how it happened. It just did. I thought if I had buried the feelings down deep enough that they would go away but the funny thing about love is that it doesn’t go away. It grows. It consumes you. You’re unable to think or breathe once you give in.

I gave in…

For years I ignored my feelings. Now, I allowed the feelings to come back. They came back tenfold. It was like a dam broke and the flooding began.

His smile. His laugh. His eyes. Everything about him I loved. He is perfect.

Perfect.

I once had someone tell me that I was perfect and could do no wrong. I couldn’t understand the concept until I met him. This guy. This one guy who cripples me with a look…a smile…a touch.

I understand now. I am in love.

LOVE…

This is what love feels like. It is selfless. He selflessly loves me. He would do anything for me and I for him.

Each times our paths crossed we went the different way because it was safer. It was the right thing to do. For years we did this. We watched each other fall in love and get broken. We sat and watched the good, the bad, and the ugly. Selflessly, we tried to help each other out. Tried to make each others relationships work when in reality we wanted each other but could never say it. We knew that they wouldn’t work because we were soulmates fighting our destiny.

Now our paths crossed again…

As I look at him, he looks at me. This is wrong. We both knew. The timing is bad. We both knew. The feelings are there. The love is there. Do we risk it all? A friendship like no other for our selfish wants…needs…desires. A chance for true happiness. A chance at love…something I stopped believing existed.

He takes my hand and our fingers link. His touch sends a spark throughout my body and I feel alive. The darkness torturing me lifts and I see my future. It’s bright and happy. There is no fears with him. There is no insecurity. There is no jealously. Its just us. Standing there looking at each other with our hands linked.

His eyes are pained and my heart aches. I tell him I’m sorry. He doesn’t know how sorry I am. The risk of us making this real…losing a friend…losing a lot of friends….the backlash. We don’t want this person to hurt but we know us loving each other may destroy him.

The tears that stream down my face are real. There are no words to describe this feeling as we decide not to take the risk because the outcome is to great. Too many variables. He’s letting me go…and my heart cracks.

Our fingers slip away from each other one by one and my heart breaks more. He can’t look at me because its too painful, saying goodbye. He loves me but can’t be with me. I love him and can’t be with him.

As his hand slips away from mines I stop breathing because the darkness slams into me tenfold. I can’t think. I can’t feel. I’m numb. I’ve died while breathing.

So…

I wait…

I wait for him to turn around and come back to me.

He keeps walking…

Tears are falling uncontrollably and I still wait for him to come back.

He keeps walking…

I wring my fingers together and I pray for him to just look back at me so that I could see maybe there is a chance.

He’s gone.

I’m gone.

I’m alone.

I wait.

Hours passed…

I waited.

And

I waited.

 

He came back!!!

He takes my hand and I watch him. This must be a dream because I’m looking at his hand…waiting. Waiting for him to say something…anything.

Let’s take the risk.

I must have stopped breathing because he asking if I’m okay. I can’t talk. I can’t breathe. I feel light.

I love you. You are mine.

I smile and lean into him. I still can’t speak. I can only cry into his chest. He rests his chin on the top of my head and my cries turns to sobs. I can’t help it.

I am his.

I was worth the risk.

He loves me…the real me.

Its over.

Finally…

love-risk

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