On Thursday, November 12, 2015 I attempted my 2nd suicide and failed. The question asked is what would drive a person to such extremes. My answer is I have no idea.
If you think this is cry for attention, I assure you that it is not. I think that some people are born with a darkness inside of them or maybe that their innocence was stolen at a young age.
Maybe I was born this way or maybe in reality someone or something stole my innocence but for as long as I remember I always felt like I was surrounded by a darkness. This darkness cripples me and I feel like I’m suffocating. It hurts to be me. I feel numb to the outside world and at this point I live just to please others.
Someone told me that I was too busy for them but they never asked why. I don’t know if I would have told him the truth but to keep busy keeps the darkness out. Maybe in those moments where I work relentlessly and become completely unavailable is when I’m dying repeatedly. Choking on that darkness that swallows me whole.
Ever since I was in second grade, maybe younger, I’ve felt like this. I thought about killing myself. I have no idea why. I can’t remember what happened or what triggered it but I know it has always been there. On Thursday, it felt like I was underwater and drowning. The feeling was so overwhelming that I needed it to end at any cost, too feel free.
I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to. I have asthma so I was fully aware of what was happening but I was so tired that I didn’t want to stop it. I just allowed it to progress to the point where I felt everything slowly shut down. My hands started to tingle and my body started to go numb. It was at that moment that I let go and I felt myself falling when I felt like I was free.
Freedom. Peace of mind. Happiness. Relief. I felt it all. I wasn’t afraid. I was the exact opposite. I was elated. Finally, the darkness that I felt was gone and I would be able to sleep without fear. Granted I wouldn’t wake up again. I know its not funny but I did get a chuckle out of that.
Why am I still here?
Well, someone saved me. Obviously. Ironic that the person who saved me would be the person who broke me in a sense. I still love him though.
Have I forgiven him?
Will I ever feel good enough for him?
When the darkness takes control of the person you are, you have two choices. You either give in or fight. I gave in. I’ll continue to give in because when you fight as long as I’ve fought then after a while you just accept defeat.