I cannot say that I am fine because that would be a lie. I want to reach a point where I can say that I’m okay. It’s not like I have a lot of people to talk to. I’m not antisocial but due to severe trust issues, it gets hard for me to just speak to people.
I can laugh and smile with you. We can trade numbers but don’t expect a call from me because that isn’t me. I only have four close friends. I know it’s a lot. (Insert chuckle here) Even though I have four amazing individuals who care tremendously about me (I hope), I still cannot open up myself to them.
So here I am writing to the world because the world may probably never see this. Its easier for me to vent, scream, and yell this way because writing makes it better. I don’t have to look at you and see the judgement on your face when I talk. Don’t we all hate being judged?
I have this thing where I have a box that I keep in the back of my mind. In this very special box, I tuck away everything I cannot say out loud. I call this box Pandora because the secrets and feelings that I have hidden away should never come out. When everything becomes too much I throw it in there and sometimes against my deepest desire this box opens. When this box opens it is truly madness.
Every hurtful thing that I have hidden, that I have suppressed hits me like a ton of bricks. I can’t breathe. Its suffocating. The amount of emotional and mental pain that someone can handle it honestly amazing. But when does enough become enough?
I am not crazy or mental. I am human. I have feelings. I’ve been hurt. I’ve cried. I have my ways of dealing with things. As unhealthy as it seems, its okay. It’s how I survive. However, when the pain gets too great and that box isn’t big enough, I feel like life won.
I’m spiraling out of control in a sense. No worries, I won’t hurt anyone. I’m just at a place where I trust no one, not even myself. I’m at a point where I feel like my life has no value. Its like you fight so hard for everything and you’ve finally been defeated. So when you reach this point what do you do?
I have no idea but I know my box is open. I have four friends who I can’t open up to because I am petrified of being judged. When people don’t understand something they label it as crazy or disabled. My thoughts are my own but should I share them or will I be locked away for my own benefit?
I wish I could close this box or pass it on to another person but I can’t. Yes, I hurt. It solely not because of love but because I’ve been dealt a bunch of cards that I don’t know how to play. Yes, I know that other people have it worse than me. However, there are times when that worse day is you.
I go to work, I smile, I laugh, when deep down I’m sitting in the corner crying. Sometimes I sit in the bathroom to cry then I wash my face and put on that mask that we all wear too well. You guys know this mask I speak of. The one that hides to real you because in this world today, no one will ever really except you for the person you truly are.
We wear this mask so well that we forget who we are behind it. Although you wear this mask so well, your eyes will always betray you because your eyes are the windows to your soul.
My eyes would tell you a lot once you can get pass the tears.