Falling

If I told you that with time it gets easier to deal with the abundance of things that I’ve had to dealt with over the last two weeks then it would be a lie.

I think I have cried myself to sleep every night since everything went down. It’s like my heart has literally been stomped on, broken, crushed…whatever. I cannot explain this feeling that I have. This feeling is eating me alive. I have had nightmares every single night. Food and sleep is nonexistent.

I never use to fear falling in love. I am in love with many things in this world. I love animals. I love going to the beach. I love sunsets. I love a lot of things. What I do fear, however, is falling so deeply in love with someone and investing my life into theirs only to discover that they do not feel the same about me.

To me, that is how you die while still breathing and you can never recover from that no matter how hard you try. The scariest part about that is you’re never going to know if you’re falling for the wrong person.

I died while breathing and I honestly don’t think that I will ever recover. The pain of dealing with all these emotions is unbearable.

I hate to look in the mirror because I’m hating the person I’m turning into. There is no more joy, smiles, or laughter. I’ve thrown myself into work so I won’t have to think about what’s going on through my head. Unfortunately, when I come home everything hits me like a ton of bricks. I can’t breathe, the room spins, and I die all over again.

How do you forgive? He asks to be forgiven but I don’t know how. When I see him, I see her. When he looks at me I don’t see that look he use to give me. It was a look that basically said I was his and he loved me. When he looks at me now, I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do. Five years meant nothing. I think about everything he told me and it’s stuck in my head on repeat like a 70’s song.

I wasn’t good enough.

I didn’t spend enough time with him. 

He couldn’t talk to me. He didn’t know how. 

I had more time for my friends than him. 

My life was too busy. 

He didn’t want to force me to be with him. 

I look in the mirror and I see the shell of the person I use to be. It’s like everything that I worked hard for means nothing. I didn’t get my dream job. I couldn’t and can’t afford a place to live. I wasn’t good enough for him. Now, I’m waiting for biopsy reports. Literally within 48 hours, my perfect world became extinct.

Now I’m sitting at rock bottom and the only place left to go is up. From where I’m sitting, up looks like its a far ways to go. I don’t think I have it in me to get up and start over.

Its like my body doesn’t know if I’m going through depression or having a bipolar episode. To erase the pain, I either want to take pain pills or just start cutting myself again.

What I feel is dangerous.

What I feel, I don’t want to feel anymore.

I really don’t want to feel anything anymore.

I just want to close my eyes and never wake up.

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