I don’t know why things happen the way they do but it just does. The crashing halt that happens after you get bad news, followed by the unbearable silence, and then the shattering of glass once you realize that everything that once was isn’t.
Many relationships have it’s ups and downs but to look at the person that you’ve been faithful and loving towards…To listen to them confess cheating on you after just recently celebrating five years of moving mountains. The feeling of betrayal and hurt that takes over.
I can’t explain it, sitting and wait for the why’s.
Why did you do it?
I felt lonely and scared.
So instead of talking to me you cheat? Am I that hard to talk to? When I came to you and said I was lonely…I was scared…Why are you replacing me? Was that not the time to share your intimate details?
I knew it was wrong but it just happened. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry…I must have replayed that over and over again. He said I was always his first choice but I wasn’t, even though he was mines. Was five years of loyalty nothing?
Moving mountains and creating milestones together. Does it mean nothing now? The words
How does that help me? How does that make me feel better? When I see you, I see her. I see how happy she made you. When I look in the mirror, I see nothing. I see someone who wasn’t good enough for you. Did I not cook or clean enough? Did I not work hard so that when or if you fell short, we were covered? Were we not a family?
So where do you go from here? Am I suppose to trust that you won’t do it again. Although the relationship was not physical you still cheated emotionally. There was a time where you had to make the choice between you and her…So you pick me.
What does that make me? The fact that she gave you the ultimatum…she or me. Tell me now, am I suppose to feel happy that you picked me when I sat back at home over a cold bottle of wine wondering where you were. Looking at the set dining room table with dinner laid out, sitting in an empty house.
Something I held in high regards because you knew my background. You knew why trust meant the world to me. How can I trust you now when you say it’s only been you….I love you.
You destroyed me. You robbed me of my smile, my laugh, my dreams. The fact that you looked at me and said I wasn’t good enough. When I cooked and cleaned, took care of my son who looks to you as his dad, and worked effortlessly at two or three jobs just to make it. I was still not good enough.
So tell me please,
What is good enough?