I don’t know where to start. There is a part of me that’s wants to continue to say that I’m doing fine. There is also another part of me that feels so empty that I don’t know when it will ever stop.
It’s like I’m an empty shell of a human. I walk and talk. I play the role well but inside is just hollow. I can’t describe the feeling of trying to live an every day life. The feeling of not wanting to do anything or just not feeling motivated.
Its a combination of intense sadness and overwhelming anger. The worse part is that it grows. Every day it gets a little bit stronger and more intense. It’s suffocating…like someone has a pillow over head and is slowly killing me.
It didn’t start over night, I remember that much. It started when I was younger…a darkness that slowly started to eat away at me. I suppose the pain and the hurt that I’ve kept in all these years finally did me in. I don’t know why I found that funny but I did.
Sometimes its good to laugh when you have no more tears to spill. I’m laughing now….that laughter that you have down in your gut…the good kind that makes you cry tears.
I’m sad…a deep sadness that is just destroying me emotionally, physically, and mentally. Do I want to go the route of pills? Take a pill everyday in hopes that this feeling would go away if only for a moment so that I could live a happy life? Do I speak to someone professionally? Can they fix the years of damage that was done? Or should I take the cowardly way out, close my eyes, and cease to exist.
This feeling of depression…of hopelessness…never gets easier. It never gets better.
Or does it?